Invincible Not Invulnerable by Kevin Albers (kalbers) - Short - A teenage boy, with a special talent, must make the hardest decision of his life; letting go of his dying mother. 16 pages - pdf, format

Wow.  What an awesome read.

Hey Kevin.

I remember reading 'The Man in the Cafe' a little while back and remember liking the premise, but not being a fan.  Your logline (and title) really interested me in this one as I like deep, sentimental issues, so I thought I'd check it out.

Great job, great setup, great everything on this one.  This was really enjoyable and I did not see this one coming.  A really great twist in there.

At first, I thought this was just going into a stupid direction because it was unbelievable that his mother wanted him to go jump bluffs and stuff.  (Hell my mom freaked out when she found out me and my friends were playing cartag in Zombieland when I was younger.)  But of course, that's before I knew you know what.

You really put a twist in there that I wasn't expecting, and

*******SPOILER*********

eventhough I don't like supernatural stories much anymore, you really pulled this one off.  And it was because of the real world tone you set in the beginning.

I guess if there's anything to change, I'd change the man in the black sedan not being there in the beginning.  He's important of course, but I think it'd be better that if when Dan and his friends are pulling off, then he sees the man in the black sedan pull around the corner and they make eye contact.

I'm assuming this is the first contact he's had with the man because of their dialogue later in the script?  I wasn't too sure about that or not.  You may want to make that a little more clear also.

******  END SPOILER  *******

The writing is clear and gets the story across, so great job on that.  I did see a couple lines of dialogue, however, that no one is claiming.  You may want to go back and fix that.

But again, very good job here, Kevin.  You wrote a great entertaining story that was totally enjoyable.

- Mark

I agree this is a great story, Kevin.  Great setup, good delivery, nice twist about midway through.

I'm going to overlook some of the grammatical stuff as I get tired of being "that guy" that always points out those kind of things.  The formatting was good and tight and I could see this one being filmed.

My only negative was that I didn't really care for the Man.  I was wondering how much he added to the story.  Would it have been more powerful if (SPOILER ALERT AHEAD) when he returned home the mom had died because he was no longer there to protect her with his power?  Then you have not only the impact of learning what his power was, but then finding out that using it with his friends leads instead to the death of his mother.  Just a thought and I could go either way, but the current ending leads me to think you're going for a warm and fuzzy ending where maybe it isn't needed.  Just my two cents.

Otherwise, top notch effort!

Gary

Hey Kevin

With such an endorsement from Mark how could I resist. Don't worry though, Jeff will be along later and remove you from the pedestal!

Nit picks first - not major stuff, but sometimes you interrupt dialogue with action lines then don't re name. Never seen that before and to be honest it threw me.

Now I don't really worry about orphans, they're not a big issue to me, but I do agree with making your script look tidy and professional, and if that means avoiding some obvious orphans then why not. I think you had one orphan including a two letter word, then an adjoining single sentence with space. They could have been a perfect two line paragraph.

Now, If the paragraph is perfect with an orphan, let it lie. All this ramble makes me realise I must be getting old, but i think you have a decent script, however, if you want it to impress it must look the business as well.

Ok, more important stuff, story.

Quite well handled, decent pace and balance. A bit of dialogue seemed to be on the nose with the mother, but minor and easily adjusted.

Man in Black - please change this, too cliched. Think out of the box with who could wait, who could spy on them. Let's be honest, if a man in black had been staring at my house for three months, I'd be a little concerned!

The twist is excellent. A lovely contradiction of the unforeseen circumstance of a talent, a skill. It takes the outcome of an event, the death of the mother and suddenly throws it back as a decision for Dan. A nice reversal. He thought he was saving her but actually he's made her suffer. It could be argued it is left a little open, ie what happens next, after all he has a strange skill, but this it tied off a bit with Megan.

On reflection I wonder whether this concept has something more to give, indeed almost feels like it has a feature inside it.

So, good work, great idea and one that will only get better.

Really good premise and story ideas here. A lot of promise for this to be expanded into a longer tale with a lot of conflict and irony.  Good stuff. There is an emotional pull here that really works, so props to you. When I think about it, that's quite rare in amateur scripts.

However - considering this is only 16 pages - there is a lot of clean up to be done, I feel. A surprising amount. I don't want to be too brutal, but I think you could easily halve the first seven pages, maybe even more. The MAN character needs re-working, or eliminating altogether.  I wasn't sure about his purpose.

It's always a shame that when a good idea gets tarnished by an unprofessional looking script, but that's the case. I'm not a format crazed lunatic but the dialogue that doesn't have a person attached to it makes it look like this was thrown together. The large chunks of dialogue also screams 'first draft'. There's a lot of repetition as well.  

Normally, this would make a lot of people stop reading before the end. It's a credit to the story that I got through it, so well done. Give this a polish, though. I think this is one that could get picked up for production. (if someone has a car to total, that is).

Cool stuff.



  

Thanks Don, and the SS team working behind the curtain, for posting this!! Your hard work does not go unnoticed, much appreciated.

Thanks all for giving this a read, and as usually your feed back is great!! With out it, I would not be able to improve my writing, so thank you for both the positive feedback and the valuable constructive criticism.

Quoted from rc1107 if there's anything to change, I'd change the man in the black sedan not being there in the beginning.  He's important of course, but I think it'd be better that if when Dan and his friends are pulling off, then he sees the man in the black sedan pull around the corner and they make eye contact.

At first I didn't have the Man in the Black Car in the beginning at all, but then I felt I did need to set it up a bit, I like your suggestion, and just may use it in a revision. Thanks Mark for the read and positive feed back. :) I hope this made up for "The Man in the Cafe" a little:)

Quoted from Gary in Houston I was wondering how much he added to the story.

I do think he is important to the story, he is the rational thinking element, he is "Death", cold yes, but the voice of reason in this case, one we don't want to hear but still we must face, even if its not our own mortality. I felt Dan needed to let go, it needed to be his choice, his character development.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Don't worry though, Jeff will be along later and remove you from the pedestal!

No comment... ;) ... Just kidding, I welcome his astute analysis.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer sometimes you interrupt dialogue with action lines then don't re name. Never seen that before and to be honest it threw me.

I have seen this done, mainly in the scripts you buy in the bookstore... I thought as a streamlining effort it could work, but if it's too confusing, and if not up to code and standards for script format, then I shall correct it at once, no big deal, a part of me finding my writing style.

Quoted from Basket Case I think you could easily halve the first seven pages, maybe even more. The MAN character needs re-working, or eliminating altogether.  I wasn't sure about his purpose.

I'll have to disagree with you on this, pacing is important, otherwise it will come off as too rushed and the tone will be thrown completely off. I do believe the Man is important to the story, I touched a bit on this earlier on.

Thanks everyone for your comments, they are great and much appreciated... I think I must now attempt to reciprocate, the best I can on here.

Cheers!! :)

Just one last thought.

I'm not a fan of your title, maybe others are, but I think it would be better IMO if it was just Invincible. It then sets up the contrast and dilemma with the final act and choice.

Just a thought

Hey KAlbers.

I actually remember that Vampires in Sunland series you submitted.  I hope that's coming along nicely.

I was digging this short and I agree with you that setting the tone is important but that dialogue between Dan and his mother seemed to be a bit overworked.  Trim it down a bit.  Sometimes things are better left unsaid.  Have a pause or a long stare to say what these characters are feeling.  That's what I suggest.

The man in black.  I know that it's a popular personification for death but like Reef Dreamer mentioned, it's been done to death in my opinion.  You've got a unique character in Dan and his use of his power so play that same card on the man.  Instead of black, making him an average lookin' joe like Dan.

I also agree that having him wait outside like some stalker isn't the way to go.  Maybe have him cruise by every now and then.  Have Luke or one of the other minor characters bring him up then let Dan mention that he's been driving by for the last three months.  Just my suggestion.  Hell, maybe even have the man be a teen at Dan's school.  Dan isn't the only kid on the block with a secret.

I see what you were going for with the title.  Can't be beaten but can still be hurt.  It doesn't really flow in my mind but hey.  Thinking about it, he's unbreakable on the outside but still possess a vulnerable heart.  Hmmm

A few big blocks of dialogue which could be broken up with some action and a few grammatical errors but nothing too problematic.  Overall a great story.  Great job.

Good to see so many positive reviews.

I think your title is a bit on the nose and also I don't understand it very well.

The story starts with "hi's" - I wonder if you can get rid of that part. Get in late - it felt like too many lines at the beginning could be cut.

The mother sounds on the nose at times. I didn't like this:
"And don’t say you don’t need a girl
‘cause you have me. I won’t stand for it. You can do much better than me."

It also feels like two stories in one - his powers and him, trying to hold his mother - I don't know why these ideas didn't blend very well for me, maybe because you introduced his powers late.

I don't think you need that many characters at the beginning - Mike and Ray might be extra characters, I think you can do without them. You said Ray is 16 and others were 17, I wonder why.

I didn't like the Man - he was on the nose for me. The big chunk at the end again sounds melodramatic.

I guess I'm not into melodramatic stuff. Interesting idea worth exploring though.

Regular John - Thanks for the read and comments. "The Man" is not "The Man in Black", he's in a black car, I didn't describe the Man at all because of that reason, I didn't want to box him in, but by putting him in a black car I did want to give that impression. However, its interesting how we bridge those connection, and The Man in the Black Car becomes The Man in Black... Anyway, perhaps I should do something to change it, give him a characteristic of some sort (not dressed in black), may distinguish him a bit better. I'll have to rework the dialogue a bit, thanks again.

Oh, the Vampires in Sunland was a feature not a series, but I had worked on it since putting it up on SS.

khamanna - Thank you for reading and for your comments, I will have to rework dialogue to try and not make it so "Melodramatic", I'm sure I won't get away from it totally, but I'll give it a try.

Quoted Text I think your title is a bit on the nose and also I don't understand it very well.

I get some people don't like the title, but how can it be "on the nose" and yet not understood at the same time?

I would have to disagree about the mother's dialogue being on the nose, she wants her son to leave so she can die, I don't think she says this in her dialogue, she loves her son, but I don't think she's afraid to say it to him. Her motives are in subtext, but her feelings are not.
I will look at the dialogue again to see where I can improve, I agree about the chunky parts, it does need some reworking.

Ray is 16 because that's his age, he's the youngest, not that anyone will know on screen, so perhaps I could just sum up all their ages by saying they are teenagers.

Thanks again for the read all, your time and advice is much appreciated.

Cheers

Hey Kevin - return read on this. And I'm glad I did - this is quite a story and a rewarding read.

My take on it - the story out-shines the writing by a mark.

As an aside - I didn't see any dialogue that wasn't named - I double checked, maybe I'm missing something. But anyway, the only other writers I have seen using that technique is the Coen Brothers, and once you're tuned in to it, it's not a major problem.

The very first opening scene, has no description at all - of neither the location nor the character, and I'd really go for putting one in here.

Zaillian's GWADT starts:
"A Christmas card vista is spoiled by a black line of railroad tracks stitched onto the snowy landscape like a scar pointing north to icy desolation." -- and is one of my favourites.
Barton Fink begins:
"He is a bespectacled man in his thirties, hale but somewhat bookish."

I feel that yours runs flat - there's no visual interest, nothing to really catch the mind's eye, and I think this piece really deserves a strong descritive opener.

Characters: I think there are too many. Dan, Luke and Megan, I think are all key, but I'm not too sure of the role of Mike and Ray? I don't really know what they add to it, nor how the script would be worse for their exclusion. Removing them, I think, would give you a little more room to invest more into the three key characters who matter in this.

Meandering somewhat, I wondered if Megan could be Luke's sister - maybe for tension's sake?

I agree with RJ that the Mother's dialogue could be cut down some - I felt that whole scene was a little too long. At almost four pages, I think it does need a trim. The feel of it - what I thought you were trying to capture - I liked. This is the last time that he would speak to her alive - but I think within half of the page length you allocated yourself, you could have brought that across.

The Black Man who isn't black his car was is an interesting issue. Personally I quite liked him, but I think it's a matter of taste. Okay it's been done before, but so have lots of things, and if the glove fits, then it's cool. I liked the idea of him being a more enigmatic character - but I think he does need to be there from the off - that to me apears to be a key part of the story - Dan is effectively keeping him waiting.

What I didn't like so much was his repetitive dialogue in the hospital - it made him sound like a robot.

P7.
LUKE
That’s the point, dickneck.
-- Dickneck - never heard of that, but then I like people who make their own words up - shows you like words, and get them doing stuff for you.

I felt this was a very well told story - there's some really good contrast in there, moving from the slow interaction with the Mother to the Dodge flying off the cliff. And I think it was a great way to expose what the guy's talent was - misdirection done to a tee if I ever saw it - and visually very satifying.

The twist sits well with the story, and is well referenced right from the start, so gives the piece a well-thought-through feel to it.

If you can structure and tell a story this well, that's a considerable talent that you have -- but I have to agree with the other guys who have posted re. trimming, especially some of the blocky dialogue etc.

Top draw, Kev, and I hope you work on it some - it deserves it.

@SiCol007 - thanks for the read and great feedback.

Quoted Text I didn't see any dialogue that wasn't named - I double checked, maybe I'm missing something.

It was there, the beauty of hosting your own link, is you can update it anytime without adding to Don's plate.  It was there, and was an easy enough fix, so I did it last night. Along with trying to correct some little "orphans" on the page. Poor orphans, nobody wants them

Quoted Text The Black Man who isn't black his car was

ha, I never described him as being a "Black Man" either, but I like how people put in their own versions of what he looks like, I kinda like that... but perhaps I'll give him a proper description.

Quoted Text The very first opening scene, has no description at all

yea, I'll look into doing something there, again I kept it open for interpretation, but hey a visual might be nice to set up the scene, i agree.

Yes, Mike and Ray, are very minor characters, but they do add, ever so slightly IMO. However, perhaps there is 1 too many, knocking down Mike and Ray into one character might be better.

"Dickneck" I wish I could take total credit, originally I had "Dickhead" but I was like, "man that's kinda typical" And I may be typical else where, but not in insults damnit, haha... so I thank Urban Dictionary for keeping me up on some insults of the youth today... although I don't know how many of them use it.

On aside note, I did come up with "Jizzicles" all on my lonesome, but perhaps it wasn't as memorable as "Dickneck" haha

Thank you for the read and kind words.
Everyone has contributed amazingly, I am a big fan of SS because of its community.

Cheers, Kev

Hey Kevin,

I really enjoyed this. Without reading the other reviews I had no idea what I was in for but I loved the twist with the supernatural powers. Nicely done.

I would be interested to see if you'll expand this into a feature. We could get a little more insight on the man + see Dan in his early years discovering his powers.

Best of luck on future scripts.

Take care,

- Dirk

Had to read this based on the positive reviews.

I really like the concept, but I don't see much of a story here. This feels more like a couple scenes put together. I would suggest to expand this into a feature. Maybe make the story around how Dan can try to get his mother back?

I think the mother should be changed to a father. When they talked about the girl, I was unsure if that mother would say that. Not saying that it couldn't happen, I just think that a father would be much better to deliver that dialogue.

Title should probably be changed. It doesn't sound right and reveals the concept.

Overall, it's time for a rewrite. lol. But at least you have a good foundation.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

Kalbers,

I think most people are responding to the emotive element of your story here so well done on that, but you really need to spit and polish this imo.

First off you need to fix a lot of the quite obvious grammatical and word usage errors throughout. I took some notes as I read & hope you will read in the spirit intended.

Starting with:

Black Sudan (Sedan) page 1.

'Where as' should be 'whereas' also page 1, but you shouldn't begin a sentence on what is effectively a pause of thought from the previous description - so use a comma or begin a new description with : 'Luke jumps out of a rusty Dodge.'

What do any of your characters look like?? I'm not a stickler but a little bit of characterisation/description wouldn't go astray.

Your very first greetings with everyone saying hi is way too unrealistic for my liking - as Khmanna pointed out - how about someone high-five's and the other says Whassup? You get the gist. Hey, some people especially teenage boys just grunt when they greet a friend. It doesn't read well at the mo'.

Re the ovarian cancer, I'm no expert, but the coughing of blood etc sounds more like
lung cancer. I'd keep it at a generic cancer and just have Dan reading a book on cancer treatments.

Cut out extraneous descriptions: 'lean against the railing' would suffice instead of 'lean themselves against the wood railing'

'what cha' - should read 'watcha reading' - apart from the spelling.

And, you should pay special attention to this tendency of yours to split words into two.

And then you do the opposite: For example: In Luke's dialogue - Megan wants to become 'apart of' which should be 'a part of'.

On page 4 you don't need 'Sandy then peers' just 'Sandy peers'. Mom needs a CapM further down.

What is Dan lulls his head? A 'lull'? Do you mean a lull in the conversation? Change to a physical action such as, he blushes or nods his head, or looks away.

Likewise when Dan looks TO his Mom - this is awkward. Why not use AT? We generally look AT people, or we look TO someone for support. Likewise Mom 'looks to her boy' - 'looks at her son' would read better - i.e. concern etched on her face.

'Mom, I rather stay with you should be: I'd.

Sweet heart should be one word.

Some sentences should finish with a period and then a new thought begin: i.e.
Now go. Have fun...I'll be here...etc

Once again, Sandy looks AT her handkerchief not looks TO it, unless she's looking into it - yuk! Do you get what I'm saying. I think this is just a bad word usage habit.

Towards the end of page 7 you need a new slug unless the camera is following the group down the stairs to the CAR.

Yea should be Yeah!

Sores should be SOARS

No need for the CUT TO's

Nitpick - I think it would be better if Dan and Megan lag behind and the other guys go
on ahead - that way their conversation is more private. You can still use the 'get a room' line and have them run up ahead.

And yep, echoing the general consensus above - cut out all the continued's but write in the character's name when an action line splits dialogue. Sorry to repeat.

Overall. I don't mean to burst your bubble but the writing really needs fixing. All of your long dialogue monologues should be edited imh.

To sum up, this reads, as someone else said as a part of a bigger piece (i.e. a Feature) and reminds me a little of Chronicle. Someone would need a hellava big budget for this as a stand alone Short and even then, I think it is actually more interesting to read than it would be on film. You've conveyed and evoked emotion well, but I think so far it reads as a teaser reel for a Feature. And at that point you'd need to flesh out the plot and the young guy's 'gifts' and abilities and the role of The Man.

As a side note, I think if I were that young woman, regardless of the fact he gives her the speel and history of his 'ability' I'd also definitely want to see the 'party trick' performed in front of me, first, before I'd be willing to take a dive in that car... so that seemed a bit too far-fetched for me.

Good luck with developing this.

Libby

P.S. Forgot to say, I did enjoy the read btw!