Sins Of The Father by Randy Oliver - Thriller, Crime, Suspense - When a damaged American Intelligence Officer returns from Afghanistan, he finds himself drawn into a deadly criminal game by an enemy he didn't know he had.  115 pages - pdf, format

Randy, haven't seen you around the boards, so hopefully you'll show up, do some reviews of other people's work.  Sort of a quid pro quo of getting your work reviewed.

I just read the log line and the first page to see what grabbed me.  Two things stood out.  One, the log line in my opinion is too wordy.  That second sentence probably should either be dropped or re-written.  You typically don't want to be asking questions in your log line, especially if the question itself is convoluted.  I would have liked that log line if you had stopped after the first sentencing, because there's something to that which is more intriguing on its own.

Second, you don't have a title page for your work.  Should be the first thing we see when we open up the script.

Third, I would not have a SUPER right after your FADE IN.  Either do OVER BLACK and then the SUPER, or do the FADE IN, have the first action sequence and then the SUPER.

The writing itself (at least from the first couple of pages I read) is not bad.  Your action sequences stay in the proper tense for the most part and convey what you're trying to show.  Some of them might be a little wordy, but you can easily edit that.  The dialogue is a little bit short or clippy for my taste, but I can understand where you're coming from on it.  

Will try to review some more when I have more time, and hopefully we'll see you around the boards.

Gary

Read the first 5 pages. Not bad. I actually like the shorter dialogue as it's the way people talk.

Gary,

I see I left out the title page. I have sent it back in with the title page so in a week or so that should be corrected. I agree with you about the log line and cut out the second half of it as you suggested. I do think it's better that way. I will certainly read other scripts here and comment on them. I would look forward to doing it. I have very busy finishing up my lastest script. Been cutting it from 233 pages to 120 today! Since my name isn't Cameron or Spielberg, it had to be done, lol. It's my comerical epic screenplay, hehe, instead of the little crime drama's I like doing. I should have it ready for copyright in about a month.

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I hope I get more feedback from you.

Insider901,

Glad you liked the dialogue. I have been fighting to keep it shorter since I started writing screenplays. I have a tendency to go too long and its something I have been really working hard to to change.

Randy