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Kane's Darkest Hour by Josh J. (usaking) - Short, Comedy - After Bob Kane dies, it is up to his father to figure out the mystery of his last words. Rated NC-17 for strong sexual language and very intense sexual acts. 14 pages - pdf, format
It is hard to critique your stuff, Josh. Weird as ever, amusing in parts, inscrutable in others.
By way of feedback, you simply must do something else with those last six pages. They are sheer torture, nearly impossible to read.
The first couple of pages has its moments here and there, for those who can stomach the content, but that final, endless conversation is pretty poor, IMO. Not even sure what you are doing there.
Before I go on about the script, I do want to say that it is nice seeing you again. I'm sure other old members are still active on this site as well. I cannot wait to speak to them again. It's been way too long...
Anyway....
This script was written pretty fast, as you may or may not be able to tell. It was an idea I had and I wrote it down immediately after thinking of it. Perhaps it is a bit weird, but through the darkness of fog comes to conclusion of dusk. That's how I see it.
I do agree that those last six pages have a bit of a problem. On my first few read throughs, I thought they were very well done. Of course, after taking more time to re-read the script, those last pages do present a long error of annoyance. It is my fault for being so egotistical while writing this script. I will have to edit those last few pages and make them more proper.
Those six pages were done as a sort of humor-esque type of wordplay. Surely, one would think of things, such as the words used in those pages, to be funny. But alas, it can only be funny for so long. I should've noticed that beforehand, but again, I feel as if my ego took over me while re-reading the script the first couple of times.
I do thank you for your feedback, bert. You have not changed a bit. I am glad to know you are the same person I remember from years ago. I will see what I can do with this script to smother it with items of glory and happiness.
WTF did I just read!!! Wow! It's a nice little story for the whole family. lol
I agree with Bert, the last six pages the dialogue gets a little long and the story becomes a tad difficult to follow. You just need to go through the script again and comb out some of the misspelled words, trim the dialogue, and tighten up the action lines.
Welcome back. Just the other day, I was wondering what happend to you. Good to see you back, is been a longtime.
Well -- I must admit, as i have trumpeted a thousand time, I'm known for not having a sense of humor, but I did laugh, a lot, and I hate myself for doing so... as silly as it maybe. I commend you, you are the most unique writer I've ever come across... and it's sad becuase most will not understand your approach to the stories you try and tell, hell I'm not even sure if I do... no pun intended.
Other than the second half not living up to the first, this was one entertaining read. I think I said this before, you do have talent, for sure, hopefully you concentrate on writing something that people would pay tickets to see...
I must admit that when I saw Bert's post, I was intrigued as to what this script was all about. Now I've read it, I'm still none the wiser.
I'll hold my hands up and say that a smile did appear on my face when I started reading, but it slowly and surely disappeared the more I read. It just seemed like an exercise in 'let's try and get as much sexually explicit stuff in as we can get'.
I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Burt Ward and Adam West in the same light again now.
To me, this was the Django Unchained version of Batman. Let's see how many times we can say the word "cock" in the span of 12 pages. You probably set the world record. Beyond that, it was like watching the old Batman TV series on WAY too much acid, and not the good kind of acid.
But hey, I will say this was the most unique script I've ever read on here. Certainly different to be sure!
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
I can only say that, after reading this piece of shit, I will never read anything else of yours Josh. The only reason why I didn't put it down after the first page was because I was expecting the other shoe to drop... and there wasn't one.
I want to thank everyone for their opinions and critiquing my script. It really means a lot, especially since I'm coming back after a long hiatus. Glad to see some old and new faces.
dogglebe - You have every right to not want to read my scripts. It's understandable. They aren't for everyone, so I am not too surprised by your reaction. It is great to see you are still doing well (at least I hope so).
Dreamscale - It does seem like very unlikely that this script, as well as my past ones, will ever be made. But I am very optimistic of such things. Is their an audience for this kind of stuff? Yes. Is the audience big? Not at all. I write what entertains me. I know it isn't for everyone, but as you have seen in the past, that's just how I work. As I have once said a long time ago, I never would write a script to offend people. That would be rude and uncalled for. My purpose for writing scripts is solely to entertain. Anything else would be quite unnecessary.
Kalbers - Comedy is subjective. Therefore, not everyone will understand and/or like the jokes that are laid out to them in certain situations. Trust me, you are not in the minority. Many people seem to not understand my sense of humor. It's fine. If this were to ever be filmed, I would want it live action, but it is highly unlikely.
Irisheyes - One can only hope that this will someday be filmed. I would love to see such a thing. Of course, I need to edit it out a bit.
Hawkeyes - I actually did not realize that I said the "c" word so many times. Perhaps I was under the illusion that I had only used it a couple of times and then forgot. As you may or may not know, I was born with a bad memory. Therefore, it is hard to recall certain places, people, and events. I do thank you for saying it was the most unique script you've ever read, although I am sure there are better ones out in the world and even on this website.
Kip - It seems like you and others have agreed the second half is not nearly as strong as the first. I can see that. I'll try to fix it up and make it work much better. Again, I do write a lot in adult terms, but it is not the driving force behind my scripts. That's just how I write. It's uncommon for anything I write to not have sexually explicit scenes. I guess I am unusual in that sense.
Ghostwriter - I'm astonished you would be wondering what happened to me, of all people. I don't really consider myself much of a "known" person on SS. Perhaps that's just me. I have been on hiatus, completing college work and other things in life. At the moment, I am in the middle of writing a full length script, but it won't be done for quite some time. So, that's where I've been all this time. I am glad you laughed and liked my story. Knowing that a few people had a positive effect reading such makes me feel well and fine. Your compliments are too much. I feel as if you have overloaded yourself with nice words and thrown them all over my exterior. Nonetheless, I thank you for such. I will surely edit this story and make it better. I will also try to do better and more approachable work in the future.
DV44 - Thanks for the words of wisdom. It seems that everyone is in full agreement about the second part being worse than the first. I will do my best to correctly edit everything I need to in order to make the story more understandable.
I do want everyone to know that I do not write scripts to offend or disgust anyone. I know I have said this before, but I just want to assure everyone that I am a very kind and generous person. I know how it feels to see, hear, or read a piece of entertainment that offends you. It's happened to me before and I would never wish to do that to anyone back. It is extremely hard for me to not include certain things in my stories because I am so used to them. Perhaps this is a sad excuse to verify my way of doing things, but that is the only answer I can give. If anyone has been offended by this script, or my past work, I am truly sorry. The last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt someone in a way that was meant to make others laugh.
I only have one question. How the hell does Bruce Wayne have a clitoris? Okay - two questions. How does a penis bob like a rapid dog? Very quickly?!? Okay - three questions. How can Bob Kane be half gay? Okay - four questions. What is 65 thicks?
Nuff said.
Oh - and two comments. One - I don't think there's enough cock references in this one.
Two:
A few days ago, a new member of Simplyscripts (Creepy) suggested that the board should have a "kid-genre" subsection. Perhaps it would be best to have an X-rated section as well - assuming Don is okay with having scripts like this on the boards...which is completely his call. (Personally, I don't care either way... but perhaps there should be some sort of rating system to warn John Q Public before they open one o' these bad boys.)
Am I offended? Nah. This was too silly to give it much thought...and it takes much more than this to horrify me. (People that know me even a little can testify to that.) But I can definitely see where someone else would be turned off to SS by accidentally reading this. Which ain't something any of us want!!
wonkavite, your questions are quite amusing. They put a smile on my face. Very well done, indeed. Although, I'm not quite sure if you were serious or perhaps joking. I will go with the latter for now.
I wouldn't mind seeing an X-rated section and a kid-genre section on SS. It would definitely beneficial and I don't see the negatives of doing such. I would think, though, that kids would be smart enough to not look at scripts that say "Rated NC-17." I mean, it's kind of common sense, but perhaps I am wrong about today's youth. So yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing that.
I'm sure Don is okay with my scripts being put up. He seems like the kind of guy that would tell someone if they were doing something wrong. In fact, the very first script I posted on here was taken down by ME. I'm the one who contacted Don and told him that it was a mistake to put the script up. Anyone who has ever read that first script I submitted knows how "different" it is from other scripts. If Don would let that get posted, I'm sure he wouldn't mind much of anything else. To be honest, I don't know if any script has ever been rejected by Don due to its content. I'm sure someone else can answer this.
Speaking of Don, I wanted to thank him for posting my script up. I feel so silly for not thanking him earlier. So thanks for that Don. Glad to see this site is still running as smoothly as ever.
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