Aurora by Melvin Wafula - Short - Go with the flow, do not ask questions and you will feel something. 11 pages - pdf, format

Ok, I'm going to have to remember the rules and stick to what we're supposed to do, which is review what we've read.

Honestly, I don't know if that was put up here for a laugh, or if that was supposed to be an existentialist piece, but in either case it didn't work.  The dialogue was unbelievable, the formatting was off, the action sequences contain unflimables and the action itself was in big blocks that need to be broken up and edited to reduce significantly the wording.

Just a couple of examples:

Your opening Fade In:  needs to go on the left.  Your first slug doesn't have a time of day.  When he gets in the car, you don't have an INT. slug.  You don't properly introduce or describe Jasper or the Driver.

I would comment more, but I haven't seen you around the boards and I'll wait to see if you show up before I add anything further.

Gary

I'm with Gary.  

I couldn't make it very far through this one.  It seems like English isn't your primary language, because some things read like they went through a translator.

Jordan

Sorry Melvin,

I'm not into this type of thing at all.

As Jordan pointed out, English may not be your first language. If it isn't, then your effort at is commendable, but if it is, it needs a lot of work.

Your action is way, way too heavy. This may be your style of writing, but not everyone will be prepared to wade through thick blocks of text. It read more like a novel to me than a script, so concentrate on shaving these down to no more than 4 lines of action, and then you should only write what is necessary.

The dialogue just seemed to be going round in circles to me as well. And if I'm honest, a bit boring.

Sorry, pal, this wasn't my cup of tea.

Kip.

Hi Melvin,

New to reviewing, hope this helps nonetheless:

There was too much action at the beginning of the screenplay and too much dialogue at the end, which made the screenplay seem somewhat imbalanced. While IMO the beginning could work without dialogue (which I would explain in the next para), the line after line of dialogue from the point where Jasper meets the driver resembled a play more than a screenplay.

I'm all for making the first part (Jasper's struggle in the desert before he meets the driver) not have dialogue completely. It seems rather unbelievable, no matter how frustrated a man is in the desert, for him to be speaking to himself.

The action at the beginning of the screenplay could be shortened such that it gets more to the point and resembles what the viewer would actually see on screen.

I seem to grasp what the story is trying to explore, and I find it interesting - but it could be edited such that the reader/viewer knows exactly what the payoff is.

Perhaps it could be written instead as a play or a story. Should you choose to rewrite it as a screenplay, it needs more action and illustration vs dialogue.