A Perfect Day by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey - Short, Drama - Two boys.  A gun.  A perfect day. - pdf, format

Hey Curt.

Starting off, not a fan of the opening slug.  It's just a tad bit vague to me.

EXT. CAFETERIA - ROOF - DAY

Just a suggestion.

You have Sam taking out the sandwiches twice.  That little section can be cleaned up a bit.  "Sits down close", the "down" isn't necessary.  You put roof in there again even though we already know there on the roof.  Maybe they're sitting on the ledge.  I'm being a bit picky but trying to point out something.

"Said she's stopped"  I think you mean "she'd".

The "interrupting" inside the parentheses are unnecessary.  Just put a dash on the word before the interruption.  "He's in shock."  Show, don't tell.  Some facial expressions would certainly do the trick.

"Sam locks eyes with Rick.  Who is void of emotion."  Awkwardly written.  Combine or rewrite it.

"Rick doesn't finish the sentence."  Unnecessary.  We know he doesn't finish the sentence because he stopped.  I think you were going for a dramatic pause.  Leave his mouth open in that case.  That's what I suggest.

Another FADE IN is needed after the FADE TO BLACK.

Not a bad short.  The story didn't do much for me but the writing was pretty good.  A few instances of telling as opposed to showing but nothing too bad.  Good job Curt.  Keep it up.

Johnny

This was a good read, a very interesting read.  Once again, I commend you on writing very mature themed scripts.

Much like your other script, I find a lot of room to tighten things up.  Get rid of your orphans (lines with only one or two words in them.  Never end a script with only one line of text on the last page.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This looks better than your other script -- just wondering if you're still around?

Agree with Phil - interesting. Not a "pick-me-up" but a good read with a good hook.

This could not take place in St. Louis- they've got metal dectectors at the school entrances now...that's Missouri's answer for gun control.

You contrasted the two characters very well. It would be too stereotypical to write them as people that hated each other; I liked how you've taken two opposite people and portrayed them as you did.

Hey Curt.

I've been wanting to read your feature, but my next day off isn't for a couple of days still and I'm only able to hop online for a little bit at a time, so I thought I'd check this one out first.

As a drama person myself (somewhat, I guess), Phil's right about the topics you choose.  Though this story might have hit the melodramatic point one or two times, it's refreshing to see some people concentrate on the stories that might be a little harder to tell.  (Not that there's anything wrong with writing about zombies or vampires, but it's refreshing to see somebody write about the difficult themes I like to see addressed.)

There's some descriptions in there that took me out of the story and made me realize I was reading a script instead of 'living' someone's tortured life.  You never want to break the spell a story has on someone, (especially in scripts), and details like '...probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet sits on the roof...' doesn't sit very well while reading it.  'A smile paints it's way across his lips.'  -  is another example.  Just say 'He smiles'.  It won't win you the 'Best-Used Adjective' award, but it won't muddle up your reader's head, either.

I also mentioned one or two over-melodramatic parts.  Those are ESPECIALLY hard to overcome in heavy dramas.  You want the story to be powerful, but you don't want to cross into soap-opera land.  And one thing I've realized...  'What... Oh my God... I...'  is soap opera land.  You want your readers or viewers to say that, not your characters.  I know it's hard and I know I've been very guilty of it also, but don't force your audience to feel what your characters are saying.  Make your audience feel it in the visuals, not by force-feeding them.

Hope that makes sense.

One thing that threw me, and I loved after thinking about it, was when the girl mentioned Rick and Sam were cousins.  At first, I thought, eww!  Incest!  Nice twist!  (Where have I seen that one before?  :-)  But then I realized it was a story the two had probably come up with to explain why they're so close without coming out of the closet.  I don't know if you did it on purpose or not, but it was a great fake-out on me nonetheless.

I'm wondering if having Sam swallow the bullet at the end might be another example of being a little melodramatic.  Maybe you were trying to say something about true love, but it seems to me that Sam is the type of person that would grieve (a great deal), but ultimately go headstrong into life with a strong remembrance of what was.  Nonetheless, I think Sam's action at the end took a little power away from the earlier story.

Still, I'm very impressed that you tackled a story like this.  Great job and I can't wait to see what else you bring to the table in the future.  You'll hear from me on your feature thread soon.

- Mark

@John -- Thanks for the read, man.  I think the opening slug is a matter of opinion/taste, I personally think it works well the way it is.  And damn, I'll make sure to fix the sandwich thing.  I tried to do less telling in this than I did with my feature, I think I succeeded but thanks for pointing those errors out.  Glad you enjoyed it, I consider the overall writing in this is better than my feature.

@Phil -- Thanka Phil, yes.  I prefer adult themes as opposed to One Direction fan fiction, or silly things like that.  Glad you thought it was a good read though.  I'll take your pointers and add them to revisions, thanks for taking the time to have a look at this.

@SiColl -- Yep, still here, was offline for a while due to internet problems, but it's all sorted now.

@Crusader -- I agree that the atory isn't a grabber.  Glad you liked the hook though.  I was at a loose as for the log-line so I kinda threw it together. Glad you liked how I handled the characters, I tried my best to give them twl different distinct personalities.

@Mark -- I am glad you like what I write about.  I prefer movies with adult themes and risky avenues, so I guessed I would emd up writing like that.  I will deffo take your advice on this.  I agree less is more, so I will be working on that, thanks!  

I am also very shocked you picked up on the cousin thing, I am actually astounded by it, 'cause I didn't feel like I hinted to it enough for people to pick up on.  They weren't in fact cousins, so it amazes me that you picked up on that, it actually makes me happy that you did!

Basically, the only reason Sam was happy in life was because of Rick.  And with Rick gone so suddenly, I imagined he'd only want to do the same and be reunited with him in death.  I am glad this impressed you.  And excited for your thoughts on my feature.

Not all scripts need to be complete and complex stories.  A well-written scene that defines a story makes a great read sometimes.


Phil

Ah, thanks Phil.  I hope though, that the above words apply to this short, or at least apply to it a little bit even.

-- Curt

I was actually talking about my great works.  


Phil

Hi Curt,

Wanted to chime in on your script and offer what I can. I take notes as I go and I typically don’t read the other post as to not be conditioned by others opinions so if I repeat others comments, sorry.

Lets start with the first line.-

Blue skies. Not a cloud in sight. A perfect day.

I see the visual and what you’re trying to convey but it could use a little sprucing up. After all, this is the opening line so you want it to pop.

Maybe-

A blue cloudless sky attest to what can be considered a perfect day.

By using cloudless instead of not a cloud in site, you’re showing the perfect sky. When you say, not a cloud in sight, in essence you’re saying that there isn’t something there.

Kinda like-
A room filled with chairs. Billy is not in the room. Then why say it?

Also, a line such as-
Probably has a plethora of girls falling at his feet

Is known as an unfilmable. Remember, you are showing us what would be on the big screen.

I will say this, you have a distinct voice in your writing. I know writers on this site (and you know who you are) who suck but don’t give up. Good on them, but I can hear what you’re saying and that is the corner stone to a writers success.

This line is a good example of where you could tighten of some of your wording to make it say the same thing but with less words.

He throws it and it lands with a clatter beside Sam.

He throws it besides Sam. CLACK!


The very next line is an excellent opportunity to really bring out the deviance in Rick.

Rick nods.

I would have Rick give a slightly sinister grin and have Sam get the next line.

Okay, here is a great chance to really tighten up a line-

Sam locks eyes with Rick. Who is void of emotion. His eyes
glassy. Dejected

This is kinda jumbled so perhaps something like-

The two lock eyes. Sam, completely void of emotion and glassy eyed, replies.

Sense all of the emotions are owned by Sam, you can stream line to read as a faster cleaner explanation of Sam’s state of mind.

The story itself is very well done and timed great. A very mature theme and well thought out.

Okay, that’s all for now. I will say this about you and your writing. It’s very good Curt. With the experience you have and your age, you’re light years ahead of many writers.

I really look forward to seeing you grow and progress in your work. I hope some of my thoughts will help.

Good luck with your writing.

Shawn.....><

Some of the dialogue, character descriptions, and the ending lead me to believe that maybe Rick and Sam were a closet couple?  If I’m wrong, sorry for misinterpreting it that way.  Another thing, when Rick says “she hit me again,” the rest of the dialogue led me to believe it was his girlfriend. . . which sort of made me go ‘huh?’  Cause you normally don’t see that in high school.  Then we get to the line ‘Jack Daniels got to her after her boyfriend broke up over the phone with her,’ and it seems clearer that you were referring to Rick’s mother.  The ending:  perfect.  I thought you were going to go the route of a school shooting/massacre, then you surprise us with Sam just simply taking his own life and no one else’s.  The cut to black and then what happens after is powerful.

@Shawn --

Thanks for the read, man!  And I love your revision of the first line, and totally get where you're coming from about it, I'll make sure to include it in the rewrite, whenever that may be.  Between work and school, I hardly find myself getting time to sit down and write never mind edit. (Thank Zeus for ole' weekends, eh?!)

All this stuff about tell/show, and unfilmables, is kind of new to me.  Everyone who read/commented on my feature said I needed to show more, so I am trying my best to do less tell and lots more show in my screenplays and writing from now on, so again, I appreesh the advice!

Glad you think I have an distinct voice though, that means a lot to see someone say.  And I prefer mature themes and stuff to do with relevance to teenagers in society today, so thanks!

All your pointers and tips I will include when I sit down to edit this over. I shall make sure to let you know when I post the edit.


@Reaper --

*MAJOR SPOILERS HEREAFTER*

You got it right.  Sam and Rick were a gay closest couple, however Sam himself as a person, was not.  He was open about his sexuality, where Rick was not.

I kept hinting to WHOM actually was hitting him, and then Rick says: "She was a pathetic excuse for a mom." -- on the third page, so it's kinda' like "Ah, so, we now know it was his mother, oh okay."

I am glad you enjoyed this, means a lot.  I myself reading over it, kind of see that it was leading up something, so I am glad you picked up on it.  I didn't want to make it obvious as to what was going to happen, and when he pulls out the gun I DID want people to get the "Oh shit, he's going to shoot everyone" vibe, so I am glad that crossed your mind, which means I sort of achieved that I wanted people to maybe have that idea run through their heads.

However, Rick wasn't selfish enough to do something like that.  He was just a confused, abused and lost teenager who was in the closet and his mother was beating him and he saw no other way out, but to just kill himself.

However, glad you enjoyed this, and it makes me happy you called the end perfect and powerful, wow, lol.

Curtis--let me say what I've said before, which is you show a lot of maturity in your writing for someone your age.  And I like the fact that you're willing to take on difficult subjects, like the one you've addressed in this short.

However, this one didn't work for me, I'm afraid.  I think others have commented on some of the formatting and grammatical stuff, so I just want to focus on what bothered me here, and that is (SPOILER ALERT) the suicide at the end.  Up until that point, I thought you had a good story going, and then you have this guy taking his life at the end--and in a public place.

Here's why this bothered me.  First, I've seemed to read about 7 or 8 stories here recently where suicide was the major ending to the story or used as a plot twist.  I think that is an easy out for writers who can't think of another way to resolve the situation, or they think it's going to be such a clever twist that the reader will be going "WOW! I would have NEVER seen that coming!"

Most suicides don't occur randomly.  They build up over time due to depression, external forces like bullying, or a feeling by the person that they are in such a desperate situation they have no other choice (someone who has lost everything financially, someone who has committed a crime and doesn't want to go to jail, etc.)  Your character seemed to be a fairly rational person who wouldn't do something like this so randomly.   You take a fairly strong character and turn him in to a weak one. Others on this thread obviously feel differently, so I realize I'm in the minority on this, but I would have preferred this go in a different direction.

If you still were thinking of using the suicide angle, then you probably should consider expanding this into a feature and making it a story of how the character goes into depression over a period of time until he can't take it anymore, or maybe instead you find a way for him to deal with it and how he uses that death in some positive way.

Again, this is just my opinion.   Like assholes, we all have them!  Keep on with the writing and look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
Gary

Hey Gary.  

Thanks for your opinion, as with all, you'll get the good and the bad.  I knew this story wouldn't work with everyone, so I am not offended at all by what you wrote.

*MAJOR SPOILER AHEAD ALSO*

Suicide was deffo not an easy way out of this story.  I knew it would end with suicide, and I knew that was how the character would resolve everything, with one fall.  And I knew it wouldn't be a clever twist either.  The reason behind this story wasn't to try and create something original or groundbreaking -- I wanted to showcase, in a specific way, the troubles that teenagers are still going through within society.  

I wouldn't say the suicide was random.  There was a reason, obviously, as to why Rick was on the roof.  He had chosen it carefully.  I tried to portray Rick as a athletic, popular guy.  Sam, the opposite.  Rick had been abused endlessly by his mother, and finally he'd had enough, so much as to, actually kill her.  He obviously would have been put away, because he is "someone who had committed a crime and doesn't want to go to jail" like you yourself said.  I am sorry you feel that way about Rick, although the point was, I did want him to be a weak character.

Also, on top of this, he was in a secret relationship.  He is secretly gay and confused about his sexuality.  I've read enough online about real teenagers whom have killed themselves due to being confused about who they are as a person and afraid of expressing it, although that is not what this story is based on, not on any of those news articles I read.

I appreciate your critique, and although I don't agree with everything you said, I welcome feedback of any kind.

Thanks for the read

-- Curtis