B R A N D O N by Nick Jolly (Jollies_1) - Short, Drama - A family man and father, Alex Debakker detaches himself from his own life when he finds out that he has Multiple systems atrophy, a terminal illness 7 pages - pdf, format

Nick, this strip was so stripped down that it read more like an infommercial or an educational film on MSA.  There was no heart to it until you get to the very end.

Your characters need to be further developed.  I didn't feel anything for Alex because I do not know who he is.  And if you care for the character, you don't care what happens to him.

The doctor's dialog read like you cut and paste it directly from a medical book. It was fully informative and on-the-nose.  Very unrealistic.

Perhaps you need to expand this story to include its soul and humanity.  Otherwise, it's just an infommorcial.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Agreed.

If you want us to feel anything, you can't hit us over the head with "THIS IS A SAD THING-- FEEL SOMETHING". Even with something like a terminal illness.

In my opinion, it's more effective if you just tell a good story. Focus on storytelling and characters, and your intended message will come organically.

And be sure to proofread this for spelling and grammar errors. It's hard to really get into a story with typos every page.

My two cents.

Will

to the writer. your slug lines already tell the reader where the action is taking place, the setting, so you don't have to include the setting again. just describe what's going on, not what we see again, unless it's something active.

also, for such a very short script, your dialogue is very long and speech-like. i could be wrong, but i don't think that many people will be enticed to keep reading when they see those mistakes so early on. they say that first impressions are the ones which matter most. in the past, i doubted that axiom, however, now, i know it to be totally true. i'd recommend reading a lot more scripts, script blogs, screenwriting books, articles and such to get yourself up to speed on the basic structural rules of writing for film. it's obvious to me that you really do want to get better at it.

Nick,

I can see that this is dramatic but it's also very dull. And I think the problem is, as some have mentioned, the dialogue itself is too long. Can you find a way to write it in such a way that you say only what the audience needs to hear? Or show only what the audience needs to see? I think especially because of the story you're trying to create, you're packing too much in here.

I would think of each scene by itself and ask myself whether its working or not. Am I making this scene just as important as the last. And then when you write the next scene, ask yourself the same question. Remember the goal is make it interesting and entertaining that shove information down the audience's throat. Otherwise its dull and boring. This is especially crucial in your exposition. You have to figure out a way to sugar coat it.

Alex seems like the average man. What makes him unique? Why does he stand out from the crowd? Why is "his" story so important? Because I think that if you just wanted to give us a story about some average Joe, frankly, that's not going to be as interesting than as a story about some guy who's got everything going for him and you want to make that audience weep at the end because he's loosing his son whose a champion, or whatever. You following what I'm saying?

Hopefully that's some help to you.

-J.S.

i agree with you, j.s., for the most part. however, i would say that not only should a writer make each scene as good as the last, but that they need to make the next scene even more memorable as they build their story into a complex and intriguing tale that pays off big by script's end. there needs to be an imerative for the reader to continue on or else your story loses steam and peters out prematurely.

also, a story about a protag who has amenity at his disposal can work, but it must show the destruction of his camelot as the story moves. whether he saves his world from ultimate destruction could be the lynchpin of the script. in that way, the protag makes a decision to change or to let it all go. but he doesn't just exist in his old world for the entire run of the story. readers and viewers want tension, people at odds, stakes to win, goals to get to, small or large, they need to be in pursuit of it and to have significant hurdles to surpass in order to get there.

Nick, You only need one scene heading at the beginning of your story. And also wheather it's Day or Night. Most obvious, most small medical centers are closed after 5:00p.m.

You do not need another INT. scene back to back when Alex cuts the Doctor's speech off when he asks the Doctor how many years I have left, after Alex finds out that he has Multiple Systems Atrophy Neurological, A serious brain disorder.

The entire conversation and visit should be under this scene only ,as in below this sentence.

INT.  DOCTOR'S  OFFICE  -  DAY

Now,  What I see in your story, since you did not tell us Brandon's age, Is Brandon himself is a small boy. Alex is his father and he is divorced from Brandon's Mother who is Aura.

From what I can see in this story is, Alex is a sick and dying man who still prances on with his walking cane, And Aura, Brandon's Mother who still will not let anything get in her way of going to work.

It revels that A sick Father and a Working Mother who both does not care at all about their young son.  It's completely child neglect.

The Drama is there and the title of your story is there. But they both are based and aiming for, and representing pure child neglect in balance.

Darryl