Can't Stop Piracy by Joewi Verhoeven (Djuwes) - Short, Drama, Comedy - A foreigner in present day China who got ripped off decides to take revenge on DVD pirates.  - pdf, format

After reading the logline I was curious about this, opened it up, but I'm sorry  the density of text put me off.

Sorry, it's  late for me, but you must appeal to the reader, it didn't.

Now, I haven't read this, it could be brill, but as written it doesn't appeal. If you are new to script writing feel free to read, review and learn. SS is a great site. If your a pro, then this seems a heavy way to write.

Joewi, there are all sorts of problems here with this one.  You need a FADE IN: at the beginning and a FADE OUT: at the end.  Leave (Continued) off the bottom of each page.

You have big blocks of action sequences that you need to break up into smaller paragraphs.  In addition, you are way too descriptive with your action and you write passively.  For example, here is your first action sequence:

"Outside a mall in the Sanlitun area of Beijing, a fashionable place where lots of foreigners do their shopping for cheap clothing and souvenirs, are also all kinds of
beggars and street vendors. A shabby looking DVD VENDOR, a Chinese male from the countryside, in his thirties wearing a dirty hat, is selling pirated DVD’s outside the entrance of the mall. He’s got all the newest flicks: 007, Anna Karenina etc. nicely spread on the ground next to the entrance. Some people pass by to have a look at the assortment."

Way too wordy.  Here would be my version of that same paragraph:

Outside a mall in Beijing.  Shoppers mill about.  A shabbily dressed DVD VENDOR (30's) sits at his kiosk.

That is all you need for that paragraph.  One rule of script writing is to make sure you have plenty of white space on that first page so you don't run people off from your script.

The story itself didn't do that much for me, other than the ending, which I thought was fine.   While we preach "less is more" around here, it does help to have a story people would be interested in.  From the log line I thought there would be more to it than what I got.   Maybe with an edit you can jazz this up a little.

Cheers,
Gary

Remember the golden rule of show, don't tell with as little description as needed to get your point across.

Story didn't do anything for me; no depth to the characters at all- just sketches.

Simply because an incident may have happened doesn't mean it will be an effective short.

Perhaps expand on the idea...Why did the American Guy choose to attack this one vendor? Did he spend his last dollar on these DVD's? Why did the Vendor assume that a guy yelling in English in China would have a detremental effect on his business? Why does this MATTER to these characters? What's at stake here?

Good luck!

Hi Joewi,

• Although there could be times where names are not needed for characters, however, IMO, the main characters (GUY, DVD VENDOR) should have names. It makes for easier reading.
  
• "He’s got all the newest flicks: 007, Anna Karenina etc. nicely spread on the ground next to the entrance."
  It might not be a good idea to list out all the current flicks when thinking in terms of production, as your screenplay could be filmed some time later. He's got all the newest flicks would do, or as mentioned in previous reviews, it could be kept even simpler.
  
• "The DVD VENDOR approaches GUY with his fist ready to hit him, the two get physical."
  The part whereby the VENDOR shouts that he did not sell the DVDs confuses me - why would the GUY attack him then? Is it a misunderstanding? Was the vendor defending himself with denial? Was there enough reason for the American Guy to attack him if he wasn't the vendor who sold the DVDs to the GUY? There was a lack of buildup and explanation which made them getting confrontational a little too sudden.
  
• The ending felt incomplete, as it seemed like after a huge conflict, we simply end with the man being able to resell the DVDs.
  

Perhaps the story could be further expanded to highlight the effects / result of buying pirated goods.

All the best!

Guys,

Thanks for the feedback, indeed I am new to screenwriting and here to learn from you all.

I will try do a rewrite that is less descriptive, I always thought it'd be good to write as descriptively as possible so there are more instructions as how to film it but I guess I'm wrong.

Like Blakkwolfe mentioned this is indeed more of a sketch than a real story, I was present when it happened and just thought it ironic how these two individuals had a cultural misunderstanding/clash, because both of them were right in there own sense. I imagined to shoot this in a realistic/documentary way (I'm a cinematographer so have a more visual approach I guess). But yeah I will think about how to expand the story without losing that raw realism.

Any more suggestions please keep them coming, it's great to learn from you guys!

Quoted from Angela Hi Joewi,[list] [*]Although there could be times where names are not needed for characters, however, IMO, the main characters (GUY, DVD VENDOR) should have names. It makes for easier reading. [*]"He�s got all the newest flicks: 007, Anna Karenina etc. nicely spread on the ground next to the entrance." It might not be a good idea to list out all the current flicks when thinking in terms of production, as your screenplay could be filmed some time later. He's got all the newest flicks would do, or as mentioned in previous reviews, it could be kept even simpler. [*]"The DVD VENDOR approaches GUY with his fist ready to hit him, the two get physical." The part whereby the VENDOR shouts that he did not sell the DVDs confuses me - why would the GUY attack him then? Is it a misunderstanding? Was the vendor defending himself with denial? Was there enough reason for the American Guy to attack him if he wasn't the vendor who sold the DVDs to the GUY? There was a lack of buildup and explanation which made them getting confrontational a little too sudden.

Hi Angela, I guess I didn't write that one line clear enough, it's the vendor who has his fist ready to hit the American guy, he is angry because the guy is sabotaging his business. The American guy is just pissed at these vendors in general, so even though it wasn't that specific vendor who ripped him off, he just wants to take 'revenge', he got back to the place he bought his dvd's and happened to run into this vendor, but his attack wasn't specifically aimed at him.

Your comment on the names for characters confuses me a little, if there never will be a moment in the film where the audience will find out what they're called, does it still make sense to name them in the script?

Quoted from DJuwes Your comment on the names for characters confuses me a little, if there never will be a moment in the film where the audience will find out what they're called, does it still make sense to name them in the script?

Think of your readers at this stage. Don't even worry about an audience. We need to relate certain character traits to a name. Simple as that. You can't have an audience thinking of your characters as "That Guy who was angry". It doesn't make your idea personal in any way, therefore not giving your audience a trait that sets your script apart. As well as that, in the professional world, it may be seen as lazy and shows a lack of creativity. While this may not be the case, first impressions are important and you definitely need to get off on the right foot.

I haven't read this script, but I will get around to it at some stage. Welcome to SS

Dan

Hey Joewi,

Right off the bat I think the logline could use some work.  I don’t think there’s any point in stating that it’s “present day China” because you have written nothing else to lead us to believe that it’s not the present day. Something like this might be better – After a foreigner gets ripped off in Beijing he decides to enact his vengeance on DVD pirates.

As many said before the action blocks are over written and could greatly benefit from some trimming; which could easily be accomplished by just cutting down on the redundancy – “frustrated the DVD VENDOR returns to his place where all his DVD’s are, but when the DVD VENDOR sees the pile of DVD’s that GUY left on the ground he runs over and kicks them with
his feet.”

Could be worded – Frustrated, the vendor returns to his post. He notices a pile of DVD’s discarded by the guy.

You don’t have to keep capitalizing after you introduce a character. Also, like one of the gents mentioned before, even if his name isn’t used in the script I still like to see a name for the characters, especially the protagonist and antagonist.

-Colin

Joewi,

If this story had a theme, It would be Hot tempers fly at a flea market mall between a vendor and customer over no-good d-v-d movies. But yet we just see where that they are top rated hot box office smash sellouts.

Secondly, If this story included a backstory, It would have to be that the Guy used to be a business partner of this vendor, and something suddenly went wrong in their partnership. Because 9 times out of ten, A d-v-d which is recorded and produced and inserted into a package, will be of high quality HD High Definition, and normally will not turn out to be called ano good d-v-d package.

And Thirdly, Since the movies that are for sell, are box office smash sell outs, How can they be of no good?  When they are all known movie stars in the Oscar, Acadamy and Grammy Worlds of name brand glittering, celebrity stars of those d-v-d movies that are on display here in the antique mall.    

And finally, Why should the d-v-d vendor fly off the handle and lose his cool in only one second? When a customer disagreed with one of his vending products at the display stand?

Joewi, I like your story because it is funny and could be a great short story comedy.

Darryl  

Joewi,

It's definitely short; maybe too short. It has conflict. Not sure about your logline.

I disagree you have to name the characters. Look at Nolan's Following. Only one character has a name: Cobb.

I don't mind you being descriptive so long as you do it well; meaning word it in a way where you are able to use the least number of words possible. Matter of fact, I think the fact that you were descriptive allowed me to understand the story better. Do break up some of the action though.

Definitely need FADE IN: and FADE OUT: of some kind.

Quoted from DarrylLuster And Thirdly, Since the movies that are for sell, are box office smash sell outs, How can they be of no good?  When they are all known movie stars in the Oscar, Acadamy and Grammy Worlds of name brand glittering, celebrity stars of those d-v-d movies that are on display here in the antique mall.

I thought he was mad because they were counterfeits/pirated copies.

Quoted from DarrylLuster And finally, Why should the d-v-d vendor fly off the handle and lose his cool in only one second? When a customer disagreed with one of his vending products at the display stand?

I think because he's Chinese. It makes sense to me. Plus, it's based on true events. How are you going to argue with that?

Hope that's of some help to you,

-J.S.

Quoted from DarrylLuster Secondly, If this story included a backstory, It would have to be that the Guy used to be a business partner of this vendor, and something suddenly went wrong in their partnership. Because 9 times out of ten, A d-v-d which is recorded and produced and inserted into a package, will be of high quality HD High Definition, and normally will not turn out to be called ano good d-v-d package. And Thirdly, Since the movies that are for sell, are box office smash sell outs, How can they be of no good?  When they are all known movie stars in the Oscar, Acadamy and Grammy Worlds of name brand glittering, celebrity stars of those d-v-d movies that are on display here in the antique mall.     And finally, Why should the d-v-d vendor fly off the handle and lose his cool in only one second? When a customer disagreed with one of his vending products at the display stand?

Hi Darryl,
Thanks for the feedback. I guess I should be clearer about this but a lot of the DVD's that are being sold on the streets in China are copies of films that have been shot with a consumer DV in some cinema, so very poor image quality and sound, but you can't tell from the packaging. I guess this might be something special to China and the fact you brought it up means I need to make that clear in the story. I guess the Guy character could state that in the beginning.

Your suggestion for the background relation between the two characters is quite unlikely because they are so different. The Guy character is a foreigner who just got to China, and a street selling DVD vendor belongs to the lowest layers of Chinese society, plus the Guy character barely speaks Chinese so there really can't be much of a relation between the two.

The fact that the DVD vendor loses his cool also has something to do with the way these people are, which make them interesting. These vendors have come from the countryside, have no proper education and have a hard time making a living on the street, not the civilized kind of type and getting into fights rather easily...

Quoted from J.S. Joewi, It's definitely short; maybe too short. It has conflict. Not sure about your logline. I disagree you have to name the characters. Look at Nolan's Following. Only one character has a name: Cobb. I don't mind you being descriptive so long as you do it well; meaning word it in a way where you are able to use the least number of words possible. Matter of fact, I think the fact that you were descriptive allowed me to understand the story better. Do break up some of the action though.

Thanks for the feedback James, I actually made a new version where I did just that, trimming down the writing to make it more of an active piece. I want to re-upload that version but I'm still wondering if I should add things, since it's so short as it is like you mentioned.

However the way I envisioned it being filmed is much like the way I experienced it. So very documentary like, no jumps in time, just one scene being played out as if watching a play. So if that is the style I'm going for I guess it doesn't leave me much room to add stuff. Would you guys agree?