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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Double Break Moderators: bert
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  Author    Double Break  (currently 938 views)
Don
Posted: February 19th, 2013, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Double Break In by Alex Harvey - Short, Crime - A short crime film in which two teenager burglars rob the same house that professional thieves are raiding-The latter of whom are aware of 2 million dollars worth of cocaine hidden inside. - celtx, format


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Guest
Posted: February 19th, 2013, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Is this completed?  Looks like it came to an abrupt stop.  Anyway, way too many references to Tarantino and his characters to the point of it being ridiculous.  Naming all of your characters so closely to QTís takes away from your own because now weíre thinking about his films and what he has done.  We totally forget about what youíre trying to achieve with your own work.  Itís OK to reference your favorite films/directors but donít go overboard.  I suggest you rename every person in the script.  The idea of wannabe-thugs and professional thieves oblivious to the fact that the other group is robbing the same mob boss at the same time opens up some cool possibilities, but here it falls very flat.
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rc1107
Posted: February 19th, 2013, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex.

Doesn't sound like a bad idea for a story, here.  There can definitely be an opportunity for some pretty intriguing moments in this one.

Unfortunately, I can't open Celtx.  It might be a good idea to transfer it to .pdf and submit that so everybody can read it.

You could probably shorten the logline up, too.  It sounds like a good idea, but it's worded awkward.  Try:

Two teenage burglars rob the same house that professional thieves are raiding...  except the professionals are aware of the 2 million dollars of cocaine inside.

Hope this helps.


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crookedowl
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Alex,

Always start with "FADE IN:"

This sounds like it could be a cool story-- teenagers rob a house with 2 million dollars of cocaine inside, get in way over their heads-- but right now it's just not there yet.

You've got a lot of problems here, sorry to say. The first thing is the fact that it's a celtx file rather than PDF. You can make pdfs in celtx, though... go to the "TypeSet/PDF" tab at the bottom -- there's an option there to save as PDF. Most people won't even open a celtx file.

But as for the script itself, you've got many, many issues, almost with every single line. Plus you've got some camera directions, which don't belong in a spec script.

So let's take a look at your opening paragraph:

"Two TEENAGERS, dressed in dark blue, walk down the lawn of a house."

-Redundant to mention the lawn of the house. It's best not to repeat information you provide in your slugs if possible. If your slug says EXT. HOUSE, you don't have to remind us the teenagers are outside a house.

"One holds a CROWBAR in one hand, the other a gun."

[Do you mean a gun in his other hand, or that the other kid is carrying a gun?]

"The leader of the two, the one holding the crowbar, is Ringo Newmandyke, and the other is Harvey Plummer.  Ringo is a tall, skinny kid, and Harvey is short, skinny kid.  You can't tell, from the dark, but Ringo has blonde, short-cut hair, while Harvey has long, shaggy, brown hair."

-You've got some unnecessary details here-- hair color, etc. Also, it's best to give us their full names RIGHT AWAY when you first intro them. So "Two TEENAGERS in dark blue" would be "RINGO and HARVEY, teenagers in blue" you get the idea.]

You also have a bunch of references to other movies that don't work at all, IMO. "The kneel down like the guys in Platoon". "He holds the gun like Man #4 in Pulp Fiction". Come on. Not only is it hard for me to remember, off the top of my head, the exact shot of two guys kneeling in Platoon, but it doesn't serve the plot at all.

Then there's this...

"Martinez and White tie into The Raven: The Mule and the Secretary.  Martinez's first name is an ode to Robert Rodriguez, a Mexican filmmaker, and the director of El Mariache, and Planet Terror."

...which doesn't serve the plot at all. Do you need to explain this? Is it important at all? When you're writing a script, you don't have to prove to us your knowledge of movies-- and let's be honest, there are movie references everywhere. Just tell the story.

I don't mean to come across as overly harsh, though. I genuinely do hope this helps. Like I said, you've got an intriguing concept here-- so clean up the writing, make sure you don't use unfilmables in your action lines. Read as many screenplays as you can to gain knowledge of the craft. Good luck.

Will
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Steex
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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I thought the idea was pretty cool, so I gave this one a read.
I would definitely stay away from using things like are mentioned above.

I might seem cool in your head, but to most everyone else, it'll be a WTF moment.
I don't know what Elias looked like when he squatted in Platoon.

I do think that you could turn this into something cool.
Just needs some reworking and rethinking.

Good luck!


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JimElder
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Same as the others I guess, I was trying to remember the characters from other films and got lost. change that and it's pretty good!
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