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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  If There Were Something Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 19th, 2013, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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If There Were Something by James Wendland - Comedy - An overly ambitious young reporter is determined to expose death as a hoax. 91 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 4th, 2013, 10:37am
Revised script
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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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James, haven't seen you around before, so I'll give you just a very brief review here.  Your formatting is a bit off.   Here's your first slug:

INT. THE LIVING ROOM OF JOURNALIST ANN PARKS

Too much info.  Just need to say INT.  HOUSE - and then add MORNING or DAY or NIGHT so we know when the action is occurring.  You could also say INT.  LIVING ROOM followed by the time of day.

You go on for four paragraphs about Ann Parks and everything you say is an unfilmable.  Think of it this way:  how much of what you wrote in those three paragraphs could we determine by what we see on the screen in that first scene?  One, that she is young, and two, that she is on the telephone.  Write exactly what you are showing us and nothing more.

Your fifth paragraph has numerous grammatical errors--I don't know what you were trying to say there.

When the character speaks, just provide their first name.  Last names are not needed.

This needs a lot of work and editing.  Go find some good scripts--there are plenty online here--and see how they are formatted and how the characters names are used and how action sequences are done.  Keep writing and you'll be better at it before you know it.  Best of luck.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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crookedowl
Posted: February 20th, 2013, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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I agree with everything Gary said above. Lots of issues throughout.

82 pages is a little too short for a feature-- and thanks to the unfilmables/overwriting, the story itself is probably closer to 75. I recommend getting it closer to the 95-110 page range.

I'll go into more detail if you show up.

Will
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insider901
Posted: February 24th, 2013, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'll say this: you have a very vivid imagination. I think I get what what you're going for but it'd be very hard to pull off. It would take tremendous filmmaking and casting to pull the disco scene off.

I'd like to give you specifics but literally every word you've typed is wrong from a screenplay stand point. And I mean everything.

The whole script reads more like an intsruction manual than a screenplay.
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John Lappin
Posted: March 15th, 2013, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, James, tried to read this but the link to your pdf file appears to be broken.


GIANT MILLIPEDE
(to wife)
Look, sweetheart, give me a break. I’ll get round to it when I have time. I don’t have a dozen pair of hands, you know!  



LINK TO MY SHREDDER FODDER:- TANGIERS PLATOON.
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