Spelling Tokyo with an E - pilot by Simon - Series, Drama - Set in and around a flower shop, the arrival of a young Japanese girl with a big heart but who's unable to speak any English will change the lives of almost everyone she comes into contact with. The owner of the flower shop finds her alone, tired and hungry outside the train station, taking her in he'll have to work out how to help her best but maybe he should just hand her over to the police and hope for the best.  38 pages - pdf, format

I RECOMMEND! Read it people!

Hello,

First of all, I liked the story, it has a pretty good plot.

Second of all, there are some minor formatting and grammar errors.

Also, the action is where you write things that can be filmed. Do not write questions, or feelings.

It's a good story. I wonder what will happen next?

Keep writing.

Chris

Can't recommend this myself -- no offense, Chris, but it's not well written. Parker also someone who rarely comes on the boards.

Read it following the enthusiastic endorsement above, but gotta say this needs work i.e. attention to detail.

To the author, Simon, you need to proof read thoroughly. The spelling mistakes and typos are numerous, specifically take note of 'cue' and 'queue' - the former is a signal or word to prompt an action, the latter is that big long trail of people i.e. standing in line. There are a lot of cues (queues) in this flower shop!

As a first episode for a pilot you need to put your best foot forward and this comes across as sloppy, to say the least.

The story itself might have potential but you need to ramp up the comedy elements & include a bit more drama - it all reads a bit too conveniently at the moment.

And, develop your characters quite a bit more - cause you've got a lot of them. Your main guy needs to stand alone too i.e. your opening is cliched and boring - the old he gets up, he goes to work. If you're going to open like this use this scene to tell your audience something unique about this guy, cause he and the Japanese girl are the stars of your show.

Good luck with it!

Hey Simon.

You've got some mixed reviews here but unfortunately I'm gonna have to agree that this isn't working for me.  Got a few pages in before I closed it.

Page one is bit of a waste for me.  Rereading your logline (overwritten by the way.  Stick a short sentence or two stating the protag. and his or her goal), I'd have the story start with the opening of the flower shop.  Page one is really important in that it needs to hook the reader and half a page of showing a man eating, sleeping, and taking the train isn't working for me.

The dialogue and action between Teddy and Ryan also felt a bit forced for me.  It just didn't flow naturally and seemed a bit overly dramatic for my taste.  All this tied up with grammar issues and unnecessary details steered me away from the story, sorry to say.  Best of luck with the series, Simon.  Hope things work out.

Johnny

How about we read the whole script before reading the reviews?

It's been scientifically proven that what people hear before doing "something" affects their experience of it.

Try it. Read the whole thing. None of us are professionals, enjoy the story, instead of criticizing the story so much. Give him resources, and animate him!

"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..." -- Mean Girls

Let's get along guys! You're not better just because you're known hero on the boards.