The Initiate by Michael Nelson - Action, Adventure - Three young Southerners are unwittingly transformed into bloodthirsty vampires by a soldier returning from war; while they are enthusiastic about the prospect of immortality, they soon find themselves on the brink of starvation when too much sympathy for their potential victims prevents them from murdering for food. 96 pages - pdf, format

Hell of a log-line there. No need to read the script now, seeing as I know pretty much all that happens.

A lot of link problems tonight - couldn't open this one either? Not that I wanted to after that three-course meal of a log-paragraph.

fixed.

Looks like an interesting story, but your script is overwritten.

I'd advise against "We see".

Don't refer back to your slugline ("EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE") in your action line ("we're at a country house") if possible. It's redundant.

You could easily break up some of these paragraphs. Keep them at 4 lines max... maybe shorter. Right now everything is crammed into single paragraphs, making it hard to follow what's going on.

Your dialogue is pretty on the nose, and a bit wooden.

No need for "CONTINUED" at the top and bottom of each page.

Sorry man. I'm out after a single page. If you show up I'll provide some more detailed notes, but as it is, this needs a lot of work.

Sorry to be harsh...

Will

Yep. Single page. I'm with crook (edowl) 'till we see a little give 'n' take.

You make many of the same formatting and grammar errors that are common in a rookie. Easily fixed. It will become habit over time.

I jumped around to see how the dialogue played, and it was better than I expected.

On the logline, less is more:

The moral struggle of three young vampires faced with the endless prospect of committing murder for their food.