Angela, bear with me if I repeat some things others have said - coming at this with no bias.
My overall impression with this is that you may have a few too many threads to the story running in your head and tried to condense them into a 'short'. And, I'm guessing you might also have not written too many scripts prior to this one; that you might have written straight prose up till now?
The reason I say this is because you're making a few of the mistakes we all make (easily remedied) when we begin.
I'll make a few points and you use the advice at your descretion.
First off, your slugs need attention. You need to write EXT. RESORT - DAY, or NIGHT.
Don't use (/) and make them as specific as you can cause these are your guides to 'filming' as well as descriptors.
The difficulty I think you had naming your slugs is that a lot of your action takes place in a Golf Buggy as it roams around the different landmarks of the resort. In this case you should write EXT. BUGGY - MOVING - DAY and then use mini slugs to reference the different locations as they pass them.
With regard to use of wrylies - the things in parenthesis - two points to watch out for: if they're too long, write a description line instead, and if it's something like (smirks)
then make sure you're not directing the action too much i.e. if it's something that
might be up to a director to decide then leave that choice to him/her.
Write in present tense. I'll give an example of yours:
'Zenith searches every corner he
could reach in Taylea's buggy...nothing.'
Just change this to 'can' reach and it's present tense. Likewise when you describe the 10 year old Mike: you write, 'who
was sitting on the bench'. However, when Marc reminisces about his father - you should write: 'he'd drive me around' not, 'he'll drive me around' - cause in this regard he's re-telling something that happened in his past.
Your characters have ages but I have no idea what they look like or what sex they are
with the names you've given. I'm assumed at first they were both young women.
Regarding some awkward or redundant phrasing and things as I read along:
Double ups: it should be: either, 'squeals chipmunk style' or 'squeals like a chipmunk'
... and swoons.
Marc Evans' - do away with the apostrophe.
Leave out the 'familiar sight'- it's not a familiar sight to your audience.
Do away with extraneous stuff like this: - 'Despite licking her lips nervously' (that belongs in novel writing)& change to: 'she licks her lips nervously, turns the buggy and heads for the staff carpark' or just the latter.
The '3 mississipis' is a bit of a cutesy description - I suppose your establishing a 'style' here, but I think this kind of thing could be utilised better to define a character i.e. in dialogue. Other than that keep descriptions simple. Don't not add your own flourishes but to my mind that's a little too much.
The polite idle chatter between the two leads is particularly nice - finally some conflict instigated by Marc!! But then your main girl takes it in stride and doesn't even seem to react to it. So, watch out that you don't chuck away your 'conflict'as soon as you present it.
Also, Marc comes off as a bit of a dick to me at this point - the 'thanks' part and 'free dinner'. I think I'd want to turf him out of the buggy and give him a swift kick. I reckon you've done your job well there if that's what I'm supposed to think at this point, but you'd better portray some charm, and her reacting a little bit, otherwise I don't get the V.O. at the end where she recalls this time in her life as being so special. Yes, he comes to her aid at the end and there's the confession from him re the relationship with his father but this needs tweaking for me to really feel involved and believe that this was a significant event for her.
A lot of the time Taylea comes off as rather blase imo. Perhaps this is a larger story that you've tried to condense, like I mentioned earlier??
I didn't really see the point of the figurine at the start and the mention of the 'design course'. I'm guessing again that this was quite a larger story to begin with. If it doesn't have some relevance then I'm not sure it needs to be there, unless it comes up again later.
Also, I think it would benefit the story if you describe some other things apart from restaurants along the way, cause so far we've got the 'flagship restaurant' and the Italian restaurant or Oyster one, I can't recall? Maybe there's a gift-shop, or swimming pool, or events area? Or considering he's an Archer - a sporting field? (why is he an Archer btw? Why not just a celebrity?)
'Indistinct shouting in the distance' (you lost me at this point) I can guess what's happening and I know it's your drunken customer once the action proceeds
but you need to either describe raised voices (O.S.) or actually change the scene
description, and write in the drunk man doing something repugnant or acting a certain way. Write this scene as you want your audience to see it. I got the feeling here that quite a bit of the action was staying in your head and didn't land on the page.
Shucks!?
Is this part of Taylea's character? Do girls still say this? I dunno' - perhaps some do.
I never got that Taylea was having a relationship with the other hotel guy btw. So perhaps you should include a brief scene with them, unless I missed something. Perhaps start at the hotel lobby with him and her, prior to her getting in the buggy.
'I doubt so, Mr Evans' seems like an odd turn of phrase and would read better simply as 'I doubt it, Mr Evans'.
Likewise:
'For being late and introducing the resort' - I'd suggest 'for being late and the idle chit-chat, or running off at the mouth' might sound a little more natural.
'rush up to a groaning Mr Williams' (typo) should be 'rushes'.
Re: Mike - the 10 year old's (son) description - 'who was sitting on the lounge', you need to change this for example to: 'a young boy MIKE (10) sits on the lounge'. And, in his Mum's dialogue, the isolated word - 'Mark' needs a description i.e. she turns to her son: 'Mark, we're going'! or something to that effect cause it just didn't make sense to me at first.
(typo) Taylea and Mark (walk) not (walks) walks up to the buggy
I'd suggest, 'Mike looks back at his father', tears stream down Mike's face' for example, instead of - 'with Mike looking back at his father, only because it's not 'actively' written.
The
'stopped talking after he pursued Archery' could be rejigged a bit. And take out the 'considers' when Talea is about to take off in the buggy cause it slows up the action there. All you need is : Talea looks at Mark, she smiles, steps on the pedal (or floors it) or puts her foot to the floor & reads a lot faster.
Your voice over at the end needs a bit of a rethink imho.
'The moment was very silent and transcended time' is a phrase that really belongs in a novel. Try going for natural heart felt words, for example: 'In that moment, we didn't need words... etc'
'Marc Evans in shotgun' should read something like, 'Marc riding shotgun, or Marc Evans riding in the buggy next to me,' the moment lasted maybe ten minutes but it felt like a lifetime... you get what I mean here, try simple language as if she's recounting the moment to a good friend. And when he does ask to ride 'shotgun' as nice as that word sounds sometimes simple less gimmicky words convey more emotion, like him just asking if he could sit up next to her?
Finally, your logline needs work, specifically the 'deliberates over a decision' - you need to simplify this and avoid putting the character's name in the logline for something like this... unless he/she is Bourne or Bond it's not needed.
Suggestion: 'A chance encounter with a celebrity prompts a young woman to re-examine her life and her future'.
Overall, I think you've got writing chops. My guess is that you're just a bit muddled with format here and it's muddying the story a bit.
I'd definitely be interested in reading another draft of this, or something else from you.