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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Ride Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ride by Angela Teo - Short, Drama, Comedy - Taylea deliberates her decision to leave her part-time job at a resort and a co-worker she has fallen for, until she meets Olympic archer Marc Evans. - pdf, format


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Angela
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for putting this up! It's 11 pages, if anyone's interested in having a read.
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RegularJohn
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Angela.

I've seen you around on the boards so I thought I'd check this out.

Your opening slug isn't written very well.  I scrolled down because I had a hunch that this story would take place all over the resort.  You've written it perfectly at the top of page 3.  If a group of scenes are in one big location, I usually write that bigger location, follow it with a dash and then the smaller area with the time.  It's worked for me thus far.

I suggest a few short descriptions of you characters.  You included their ages which is great but I didn't know Zen was a guy until the middle of page 3.

"Wow, the dude's even heavier now that he's out cold."  This came off a bit on the nose and sounded a tad off character for Marc.  He seems a bit pretentous and snotty in spite of helping Taylea so I don't buy that he would use the word "dude".  He seems a bit too proper but just my opinion.

"Marc and Taylea walks up..." should be "walk".

The ending voice over was a nice touch.  I wouldn't recommend the use of "beat" in dialogue however.  Instead try using an action (one liner) in it's place.  Perhaps a smirk in the middle of that voice over as she drives off?

I'm looking back at your logline and it didn't seem to fit the actual story.  First off, I didn't feel the chemistry between Taylea and Zen (I'm guessing that's the coworker she has feelings for).  In fact, she seemed to be more attracted to Marc.  Also, judging from that ending, I'm assuming she did quit her job so now another piece of your logline is askewed.  I suggest rewriting that logline to better fit the story since it's less if at all about her job and her romance with Zen and more about her, Marc, and the ride in the buggy.

Overall a nicely written short.  It dragged on a tad bit at the start but still a solid story in my opinion.  Great job.

Johnny


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Gary in Houston
Posted: March 7th, 2013, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Angela, I've seen you around the boards here recently and thought I would give this a look.

First, let me say that you have nice writing style.  Fairly smooth transitions, thought given to characters, dialogue fairly well drawn out and not too clunky; i.e., the dialogue was appropriate for the character ages.

You did have a couple of formatting issues--you need to drop the "Continued" at the bottom and top of each page.  What's weird is that you did that for every page except pages 2 and 7.   Need to be consistent with that -- don't use it at all for film scripts.  Also, you have too much white space at the bottom of the second page, so I don't know what happened there.

One little quirk I have--and this may just be personal to me and others might disagree--is to be careful with overuse of wrylies in your dialogue, especially if they are long.  It's probably preferable to put those into an action paragraph instead.  And if you do use them in dialogue, make sure you format it correctly.  One example from  page 9:

TAYLEA
(smiles)
No.
(realises she’s smiling) I’m sorry.

The "I'm sorry" just needs to go on the line below the wrylie.  Probably just something overlooked there.

Now, as to the story, like I said, I thought it was pretty well-written, you obviously put a lot of thought into the plot and it shows.  Having said that, the plot was fairly light--there were no real surprises here.  Basically, the story is (SPOILERS AHEAD) she works at a resort, meets Marc Evans, picks up a drunk guy in her buggy, drops off drunk guy, has conversation with Marc, says goodbye to Marc.  Not much drama involved, no real conflict, and the ending didn't really have much an impact with me.  

Now that may sound like harsh criticism, but I say all that because I believe that you are a good writer because it shows in how you write, and I would encourage you as you're writing to think about plot and how it all plays out not just to you as the writer, but to the reader (or to someone watching it on film) as well.  What is the hook in the story?  What makes me want to keep reading or to get invested in the story?  These things are as important as the writing.  You have real potential and hope to read a lot more from you.  Great effort!

Cheers,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Angela
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny,

Noted on the confusion with the sluglines, would definitely fix that.

Also noted on character descriptions - recognise the ambiguity that comes with not describing their gender or their physical appearance/manner.

Would probably take out that line of MARC's dialogue entirely, thank you for pointing out that MARC wouldn't have said that. The smirk is a great idea.

Would rethink the logline to figure out how to change the focus to what the story is about - Taylea's change of view on relationships.

Thanks for reading the script and your kind words on the story! Would have another look at the start and see how to speed things up a little more.

Could I possibly read any of your scripts in return?

Cheers,
Angela
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Angela
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Thanks for the read!

Taken note of all the formatting issues and the proper placement of wrylies too.

As for the story, I appreciate the honest criticism. Even I myself question if the story has enough conflict, enough plot and would definitely see as to how this could be improved.

Looking forward to your upcoming works as well, keep 'em coming!

Cheers,
Angela
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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I read this a day ago and was unsure how to respond. It was a likeable piece but I'd agree with Hawk's assessment (and a little of your own) that it needed a little more conflict / tension.

What I liked in reading it was that it felt like a slice of life from this place. There were times when I wondered if this was something that you witnessed or experienced and put onto page for us here. Something like you'd tell a friend- "one time, this happened..." If so, well done. If not, still well done because you made something up completely that I thought felt like it really happened.
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LC
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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I owe you a read Angela, so I'll be right back to this, this afternoon! Good to see you posted.


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LC
Posted: March 9th, 2013, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Angela, bear with me if I repeat some things others have said - coming at this with no bias.

My overall impression with this is that you may have a few too many threads to the story running in your head and tried to condense them into a 'short'. And, I'm guessing you might also have not written too many scripts prior to this one; that you might have written straight prose up till now?  

The reason I say this is because you're making a few of the mistakes we all make (easily remedied) when we begin.

I'll make a few points and you use the advice at your descretion.

First off, your slugs need attention. You need to write EXT. RESORT - DAY, or NIGHT.
Don't use (/) and make them as specific as you can cause these are your guides to 'filming' as well as descriptors.

The difficulty I think you had naming your slugs is that a lot of your action takes place in a Golf Buggy as it roams around the different landmarks of the resort. In this case you should write EXT. BUGGY - MOVING - DAY and then use mini slugs to reference the different locations as they pass them.

With regard to use of wrylies - the things in parenthesis - two points to watch out for: if they're too long, write a description line instead, and if it's something like (smirks)
then make sure you're not directing the action too much i.e. if it's something that
might be up to a director to decide then leave that choice to him/her.

Write in present tense. I'll give an example of yours:

'Zenith searches every corner he could reach in Taylea's buggy...nothing.'
Just change this to 'can' reach and it's present tense. Likewise when you describe the 10 year old Mike: you write, 'who was sitting on the bench'. However, when Marc reminisces about his father -  you should write: 'he'd drive me around' not, 'he'll drive me around' - cause in this regard he's re-telling something that happened in his past.

Your characters have ages but I have no idea what they look like or what sex they are
with the names you've given. I'm assumed at first they were both young women.

Regarding some awkward or redundant phrasing and things as I read along:

Double ups: it should be: either, 'squeals chipmunk style' or 'squeals like a chipmunk'
... and swoons.

Marc Evans' - do away with the apostrophe.

Leave out the 'familiar sight'- it's not a familiar sight to your audience.

Do away with extraneous stuff like this: - 'Despite licking her lips nervously' (that belongs in novel writing)& change to: 'she licks her lips nervously, turns the buggy and heads for the staff carpark' or just the latter.

The '3 mississipis' is a bit of a cutesy description - I suppose your establishing a 'style' here, but I think this kind of thing could be utilised better to define a character i.e. in dialogue. Other than that keep descriptions simple. Don't not add your own flourishes but to my mind that's a little too much.

The polite idle chatter between the two leads is particularly nice - finally some conflict instigated by Marc!! But then your main girl takes it in stride and doesn't even seem to react to it. So, watch out that you don't chuck away your 'conflict'as soon as you present it.

Also, Marc comes off as a bit of a dick to me at this point - the 'thanks' part and 'free dinner'. I think I'd want to turf him out of the buggy and give him a swift kick. I reckon you've done your job well there if that's what I'm supposed to think at this point, but you'd better portray some charm, and her reacting a little bit, otherwise I don't get the V.O. at the end where she recalls this time in her life as being so special. Yes, he comes to her aid at the end and there's the confession from him re the relationship with his father but this needs tweaking for me to really feel involved and believe that this was a significant event for her.

A lot of the time Taylea comes off as rather blase imo. Perhaps this is a larger story that you've tried to condense, like I mentioned earlier??

I didn't really see the point of the figurine at the start and the mention of the 'design course'. I'm guessing again that this was quite a larger story to begin with. If it doesn't have some relevance then I'm not sure it needs to be there, unless it comes up again later.

Also, I think it would benefit the story if you describe some other things apart from restaurants along the way, cause so far we've got the 'flagship restaurant' and the Italian restaurant or Oyster one, I can't recall? Maybe there's a gift-shop, or swimming pool, or events area? Or considering he's an Archer - a sporting field? (why is he an Archer btw? Why not just a celebrity?)

'Indistinct shouting in the distance' (you lost me at this point) I can guess what's happening and I know it's your drunken customer once the action proceeds
but you need to either describe raised voices (O.S.) or actually change the scene
description, and write in the drunk man doing something repugnant or acting a certain way. Write this scene as you want your audience to see it. I got the feeling here that quite a bit of the action was staying in your head and didn't land on the page.

Shucks!?
Is this part of Taylea's character? Do girls still say this? I dunno' - perhaps some do.

I never got that Taylea was having a relationship with the other hotel guy btw. So perhaps you should include a brief scene with them, unless I missed something. Perhaps start at the hotel lobby with him and her, prior to her getting in the buggy.

'I doubt so, Mr Evans' seems like an odd turn of phrase and would read better simply as 'I doubt it, Mr Evans'.

Likewise: 'For being late and introducing the resort' - I'd suggest 'for being late and the idle chit-chat, or running off at the mouth' might sound a little more natural.

'rush up to a groaning Mr Williams' (typo) should be 'rushes'.

Re: Mike - the 10 year old's (son) description - 'who was sitting on the lounge', you need to change this for example to: 'a young boy MIKE (10) sits on the lounge'. And, in his Mum's dialogue, the isolated word - 'Mark' needs a description i.e. she turns to her son: 'Mark, we're going'! or something to that effect cause it just didn't make sense to me at first.

(typo) Taylea and Mark (walk) not (walks) walks up to the buggy

I'd suggest, 'Mike looks back at his father', tears stream down Mike's face' for example, instead of - 'with Mike looking back at his father, only because it's not 'actively' written.

The 'stopped talking after he pursued Archery' could be rejigged a bit. And take out the 'considers' when Talea is about to take off in the buggy cause it slows up the action there. All you need is : Talea looks at Mark, she smiles, steps on the pedal (or floors it) or puts her foot to the floor & reads a lot faster.

Your voice over at the end needs a bit of a rethink imho.
'The moment was very silent and transcended time' is a phrase that really belongs in a novel. Try going for natural heart felt words, for example: 'In that moment, we didn't need words... etc'

'Marc Evans in shotgun' should read something like, 'Marc riding shotgun, or Marc Evans riding in the buggy next to me,' the moment lasted maybe ten minutes but it felt like a lifetime... you get what I mean here, try simple language as if she's recounting the moment to a good friend. And when he does ask to ride 'shotgun' as nice as that word sounds sometimes simple less gimmicky words convey more emotion, like him just asking if he could sit up next to her?

Finally, your logline needs work, specifically the 'deliberates over a decision' - you need to simplify this and avoid putting the character's name in the logline for something like this... unless he/she is Bourne or Bond it's not needed.

Suggestion:  'A chance encounter with a celebrity prompts a young woman to re-examine her life and her future'.

Overall, I think you've got writing chops. My guess is that you're just a bit muddled with format here and it's muddying the story a bit.

I'd definitely be interested in reading another draft of this, or something else from you.




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Angela
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ed,

Thanks for the read. Would look into making it more interesting and having more conflict. Appreciate that it was likeable, but as a writer I hope to have the reader feel that it's a good story rather than to be mixed about what it meant.

Came across 'The Reader', would read it soon

Angela
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Angela
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 2:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby,

Thanks for reading and your lengthy review, appreciate it very much. It takes a person dedicated to reviewing a script to provide as many suggestions for improvement as possible.

You're right, have been writing mostly straight prose, and didn't write many scripts before this - those first few scripts I would never submit here. It's a good reminder to be more to the point and visual when writing screenplays.

The slugline suggestion would improve the writing so much, thank you for that.

Figuratively slamming my head on my keyboard for the grammatical errors, would look into that in rewriting.

Some of your comments remind me that 'less is more' when it comes to writing action. Would also keep that in mind.


Quoted Text
The polite idle chatter between the two leads is particularly nice - finally some conflict instigated by Marc!! But then your main girl takes it in stride and doesn't even seem to react to it. So, watch out that you don't chuck away your 'conflict'as soon as you present it.

Seems like I've tried to make Taylea too likeable or even passive. She should have had more of a negative reaction.


Quoted Text
Also, Marc comes off as a bit of a dick to me at this point - the 'thanks' part and 'free dinner'. I think I'd want to turf him out of the buggy and give him a swift kick.

This comment made me laugh, but point taken. He's an archer because, well, it was a personal choice not to make him a celebrity so that he is recognised only by sports fans and the hotel staff. Felt if there is too much reaction from other guests - too many people going 'That's him!' - it's distracting.

Thanks so much for generously offering to read another draft of this. Hope to get around to the rewriting stage soon.

Cheers,
Angela
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irish eyes
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Angela

I've seen you around the boards, figured I give this a read.
I didn't read any feedback, so apologies if I repeat..

First off

Zenith and Taylea ... I have no idea what these names are, boys or girls only on page 3 where you mention "he" for Zenith.

Between page 3 and 4 all the continues probably a software issue and it reads cleaner if you finish a character's dialogue on the same page. IMO
also write the numbers out, 3 should be "three"

page 6

We hear indistinct shouting in the distance... lose the "we hear"  indistinct shouting can be heard in the distance.

page 7

Mike should be MIKE

Ok Angela, I finished.

Good news, you're a good writer.

Bad news, this short lacked any real punch to it. I realise it was called "the ride", yeah 90% was spent on a buggy, picking up an archer she liked and some bum to drop off.

The high drama, was a walkie talkie going missing I didn't really feel any passion between the archer and Taylea, it was slowing building but by that time the short was over.

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, that's why we have rewrites

Good luck and good job offering feedback around the boards

Mark



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DJuwes
Posted: March 12th, 2013, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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Hi Angela,

Nice little piece you have written here, even though I agree with most others that it could use some more tension and conflict, just to get the reader more involved. I guess that's the hard part of finding this balance because I feel that you want to keep the whole light and easy.

That's why I felt this would fit better as a part of a bigger whole, like a snippet of a longer story, since you have some interesting characters here to work with.

Hope that is of some use!
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Angela
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Hi Mark & Joewi,

Thanks for the read!

Mark:

Thanks for the encouraging words and honest criticism, would definitely take note on the lack of development of plot. It's true that I rely too much on Celtx to format the screenplay as well...

Just to check, is the first link in your signature the updated pilot to Loserville? Went to the thread and got a little confused. Thanks!

Joewi:


Quoted Text
That's why I felt this would fit better as a part of a bigger whole, like a snippet of a longer story, since you have some interesting characters here to work with.

Thanks for that, good to know that there is potential for more stories of these characters.

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Angela  -  March 15th, 2013, 6:42am
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