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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Outreach Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2013, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Outreach by Chris Silver - Series, Comedy - After the death of his reverend father, a slacker turned activist attempts to start a volunteer group at his community college with the help of an ambiguously flirtatious rival, a too street-wise jailbird, psychotically joyful mental patient, a dogmatically religious bigoted closeted homophobic homosexual, a clingy chauvinistic wannabe frat guy mama's boy, a bodybuilding truculent nerd/geek, an oddball under the delusion that he's a Martian and his pretentious sophisticatedly crass cousin. 19 pages - pdf, format


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Chris Ramos
Posted: April 5th, 2013, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

I like the story.

Fill out your title page.
Nineteen pages is to short for a series.
Introduce your characters. Name, and age. I only know Sebastian's age.
Who's Kris?
What does A.C.C.C stand for?
Organize it a little bit more.
Tell us when everyone leaves.
Tell us who's in a room before anyone starts talking, unless the audience is not supposed to know someone is there.

I like the story, Keep writing.

Chris


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
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danbotha
Posted: April 5th, 2013, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Chris Ramos

Organize it a little bit more.


I'm sorry, Chris, but the writer can't possibly go forward after you're as vague as this. How do you expect them to even know what that means??

Dan

P.S. 19 pages isn't too short for a series. This could be a web-series. Doesn't necessarily have to be a TV series.


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Chris Ramos
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from danbotha


I'm sorry, Chris, but the writer can't possibly go forward after you're as vague as this. How do you expect them to even know what that means??

Dan

P.S. 19 pages isn't too short for a series. This could be a web-series. Doesn't necessarily have to be a TV series.


I'm sorry Dan, but time doesn't allow me to be more specific, and your comment is not helping the writer whatsoever. Your comment is not vague, it's irrelevant. (On this script).

Chris

P.S. Don't tell me how to do it right, show me how to do it right.


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
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bert
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Quoted from Chris Ramos
P.S. Don't tell me how to do it right, show me how to do it right.


That qualifies as a SNAP, Dan.

I see nothing objectionable in the review from Chris.  And let the author ask for clarification if they want it.

If you are going to become one of those "review reviewers" -- and I always advise against it -- at least save it for the very worst offenders.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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danbotha
Posted: April 6th, 2013, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


That qualifies as a SNAP, Dan.



Fair enough. Proceed as you were, Chris. I meant no offence.


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