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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Contractors Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 20th, 2013, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Contractors by Paul Sanghera (Zenga09) - Short, Comedy - Geoff isn't your typical Hitman. With partial memory loss following a car accident, moving body parts by tube, a bulging waistline, a wife who lives in a reality TV world and a Priest as a nemesis, Geoff stumbles through hits, doing his best to cling to his job to pay the rent. 36 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 22nd, 2013, 5:48am
revised script
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: April 20th, 2013, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I think you're onto something with this, the plot is interesting.

However.

The first scene is eight pages.  It's funny in places and the dialogue is good and it's a nice set up.  But it is way too long.  I think you could cut some of the phone call out and some of the dialogue with the girlfriend out towards end and just tighten this up.

Those eight pages could be brought down to five no problem.  I will return thread more soon.  Nice work so far, in my opinion.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Forgive
Posted: April 20th, 2013, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I'm with Curt on this one - I think you've got a great feel for some stuff - format-wise, in places it's a bit all over the place, dialogue needs trimming here and there, but there's certainly something that you can work with ... don't know if you're around?
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Paul
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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I hear what youíre saying about the length of the 1st scene. Initially I think I wanted a methodical build up, but Iíll look to see if I can re-jig it to shorten it without sacrificing the intentions of the scene.

Re: Formatting. Iím essentially a self-taught writer, learning by reading scripts and from the critiques you guys give to other scripts etc. So this is my biggest challenge - waiting for a revised version to be uploaded with the formatting tightened up a bit.

Appreciate the feedback guys Ė always open to hearing more.

Cheers,

Paul
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Dustin
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Started really well... I suppose he is 'clipped' at the end when he falls down the stairs? I think that needs to be clearer.

I enjoyed the beginning and the phone call. However it petered out towards the end. Maybe you started writing without a plan in mind and just allowed it to go wherever.

I do think this is a great concept and would make an excellent feature with more jokes and a thicker plot. However it needs a lot more thought put into it.


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Paul
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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ill clear the end up a bit. he actually jumps himself - suicide.

thanks for the feedback. you're right - i initially started without a clear outline. subsequent episodes im working with the ending first then going backwards. might help.
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Dustin
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 3:03am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Paul
ill clear the end up a bit. he actually jumps himself - suicide.

thanks for the feedback. you're right - i initially started without a clear outline. subsequent episodes im working with the ending first then going backwards. might help.



Seriously, you should think about turning this into a feature. Make a story plan before you start writing. You had me laughing in the first few pages. You hooked me and not many people can do that with comedy. Keep that up throughout an entire feature and you will have something that is worth something to somebody.

Good luck.


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Paul
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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ive tried doing features but I have the concentration span of a 2 year old. Seriously I get bored after 40 pages and end up babbling! lol

ill give it some thought - it is tailor made for it i guess.

cheers for the feedback, hopefully amazon studios think the same
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Dustin
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Are you the same guy who wrote that other script I liked about the cage fighters? Yeah, I just checked. You are.

You need to slow down and stop trying to rush your talent through. I believe you have talent, but right now you think it will be easily recognized without having to work too hard to get it. You're wrong. Make your shit perfect, do the best you can do before putting your stuff out there. Then when you do it will shine. Right now it looks like shit, you have to look to see the greatness. That's not going to cut it at Amazon. Plus they give shitty contracts anyway. You could bypass them and go straight to WB... and get a fatter contract. But all in good time. You need to reign yourself in and put some real effort into these ideas.


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Paul
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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thanks for the advice man. appreciated
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