Graveyard Hobo by Jeff Bruno (jeffjb91) - Short, Comedy - When two kids in a graveyard bring a hobo back to life through C.P.R, he mistakes them as Angels.  8 pages - pdf, format

Not too bad.  I liked it for the most part.  A few funny lines in there that made it a bit more genuine.  Love the bit about seeing cats peeing everywhere.  Interesting concept.  

Some of the dialogue didn't work for me though and also don't direct on the page.  No, 'dolly in.'

Overall, short and sweet.  Just go through it again and fix up a few things.

Jeff,

I liked this idea a lot.  It's simple with plenty of scope for laughs.  Think a few tweaks here and there could go a long way.

While the writings clear for the most part, that opening paragraph is the first thing people will read and could do with re-working:

‘We dolly through a graveyard up to a tomb house. We hear
menacing noises from within.
The noises change to happy laughter as we see two kids,
ROBERT and SAM climb out of the tomb’s opening.’

You’ve told us we’re in a graveyard in the slug, so no need to repeat it in the action.

Not sure what a ‘menacing noise’ would sound like -- so already I’m struggling with this and how it changes to ‘happy laughter’.    

Consider losing the ‘dolly’.  There’s better ways of writing action without reverting to camera directions.

Give us some ages and a brief description for Robert and Sam.  I’m guessing from the dialogue they’re around 11 or 12?

Somewhere in your writing software there should be a way of turning off the ‘continued’s .  They’re generally accepted as redundant.

In the logline you refer to the hobo mistaking Sam and Robert for angels -- whereas in the script the hobo thinks Sam is God himself.  (Personally I liked the angels idea better -- but that’s entirely subjective.)  

Loved the hobo’s ‘cats’ line.  ‘What did you see when you died?’ -- ‘...Cats’

Good stuff.  Best of luck with it.

Steve.

Some people will just never change. Nice little story. I enjoyed it.

Well told story.

My only gripe is you didn't explain the kids age or appearence

Good work

Michael

Hey Jeff, so I really liked this a lot. The dialogue great. And believable for the most part, though I'm not so sure about the kids singing "Stayin Alive".

The hobo's rant after he wakes up is great, it actually made me laugh. Cats on jet packs, haha.

And I like the pay off. We think the Hobo is enlightened, and you close with him guzzling a bottle of brew he found on the street, shattering it. Good stuff.

Just a few minor things:

There should be a space between your action blocks at the top of page 1.

I get an idea of how old these kids are based on their dialogue, they seem to be somewhat advanced, but you still should describe them and give them an age.

And on page 6, Hobo's dialogue, there should be a space between thank and you's.

Nice little story you got here and I enjoyed it a lot.

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone

I am glad that most of you seem to like the script!

As per the questions about the kids age, yes, they are supposed to be roughly 10-12. I am glad that was something that could be understood through the writing, but I agree that I should establish it in the description.

You all brought up a lot of important errors that I made. Thank you! I will make some of the changes mentioned and re-submit.

-Jeff

Hey Jeff.

I liked this one for what it was.  I thought it was rather amusing, and it's hard as hell to get me to laugh reading a script.  Most comedy written sounds forced to me.  While I feel there may be some forced moments, there were still some lines that were genuinely funny.

Hmm.  Weird.  I got the feeling the two boys were older.  Almost like 15 or 16 year-old stoners or something.  You know, not the brightest, but luck seems to follow them wherever they go and things work out because of their innocence and good humor.

But eleven or twelve year-olds can work, too.

Not a bad effort, Jeff.

- Mark

Hey Jeff,

I kinda liked this even if I did have to look past the many problems in the writing - never open a script with the line "we dolly", it's not great and doesn't bode well for the rest of the script.

But I'm glad that I continued on with this one, it was fun and the dialogue was actually pretty snappy. I also like the catchy title which attracted me in the first place. I'm not going to bother over-analyzing the story, it was fun and that's all I was expecting.

All you need to do now is give it a little rewrite and clean it up.

Nice work.

Steve

Not much I can say about this, other than that I enjoyed it.

Like others have said, you do use camera angles "dolly" was an example, you don't do that in the screenplay itseld.

I really liked this.  It was funny.  And these kids just seemed like bored, genuine (but very entertaining) kids.  

It could use some fixing up (you didn't take a space between your first two action paragraphs at the start) -- but other than that, I found the characters really enjoyable.

Let me know if you ever get around to a rewrite on this, and good luck.

-- Curt

Jeff

Not bad, I enjoyed the playful, innocent dialogue between the kids, since they actually sounding like kids, not the writer pretending to be one. Some good laughs here and there; the CPR, the hobo’s cat themed vision while he was dead made me chuckle.

Some unexpected moments of gravity too, like when the hobo talks about his own misfortunate life. It’s only a line about how is dad beat him since he was born thus not allowing him to be a kid but it was effective, I was immediately sympathetic towards the poor guy.

The ending was ok, a little flat, just letting the hobo away like that, kinda felt you had ran out of ideas. I thought he might turn on God (i.e. Sam) for giving him such a hard life but I guess that would be taking an otherwise light piece into something a lot darker.

Col.

SPOILER SPACE....

While I like the premise of this script, I thought the execution was lacking.  The hobo didn't even try to improve his life; he went straight back to the bottle (which, in and of itself, is cliche).  Giving this lack of pay off, the script dragged.


Phil

For a so-called comedy that didn't make me laugh, I enjoyed this one (weird, huh?). I thought the situation in and of itself was amusing but also had some light poignance to it, especially coming off the story of the reformed thief. I liked the ending as well. I agree with Phil that the liquor bottle was cliche but again, coming off the story of the reformed thief, it worked. It left the impression that life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to (as the kids naturally expected the guy would reform).

Ultimately though, I appreciated the levity and the storytelling more than the actual humor. The jokes were sort of hit and miss. The "Staying Alive" and "pissin' cats" were too silly for me and made the story feel off-key somehow. I also think the dialogue could use some work. There was a rushed quality to it that made it sound really stilted and awkward, like watching a play where the actors are already anticipating the others' lines. It didn't sound natural at all.

The writing was decent overall. A lot of passive voice use that needs to be fixed. You should add the ages of the kids and hobo (and capitalize HOBO for his introduction). The opening lines are totally weak and should be scrapped/revised. How are you going to start off a script with a dolly shot? It's a terrible way to make a first impression and kills (or at least stifles) the reader's ability to get immersed from the getgo.

Nevertheless, a cute, lighthearted script. Needs work but I had fun. Good job.