Captain Titanium by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - Tommy's only friend is his Captain Titanium action figure but when a group of bullies takes him Tommy entrust the help of another little boy, gaining his first true friend.  21 pages - pdf, format

Code Tommy jumps out of bed. He goes over and grabs Captain Titanium before heading into the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Tommy has set Captain Titanium down next to the sink.

The above could be written like this:

Tommy jumps out of bed, grabs Captain Titanium and heads into the

BATHROOM

setting Captain Titanium next to the sink.


It reads much faster.

Code He opens the faucet, grabs his tooth brush and spreads toothpaste on it. He starts brushing his teeth. After a moment he stops and starts brushing Captain Titanium’s “teeth.”

Way too much info in the above. You only need to write:

He brushes his teeth then brushes Captain Titanium's teeth.

No need for speech marks or inverted commas over Captain Titanium's teeth, because we all know they're not really real. It goes without saying. we get it.

I bailed out at page 10. I was waiting for something to happen. It didn't.

Positives I noted are that you write decent dialogue in places and you are a good writer, it just needs tightening up.


I hope you get something from what I've shown you. Good luck.

Thanks for the feed back.  This actually my first attempt at writing in about 2 years.  I'm told a lot that my actions are quite detailed and supurfluous but I only do it to give a clear description of how I feel everything should be done and expressed.  I'm sure that's a little problematic.  Wish you could've read the whole thing but it doesn't necessarily bother seeing as I just simply wanted feed back on the writing, not the story.  Thanks!