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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Everybody Loves Raymond - Home Sweet Motorhome Moderators: bert
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  Author    Everybody Loves Raymond - Home Sweet Motorhome  (currently 4434 views)
Don
Posted: May 30th, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Everybody Loves Raymond - Home Sweet Motorhome by Jon Woodrow - Series, Comedy - Ray thinks a motorhome will make a great vacation investment. Debra thinks different. 54 pages - pdf, format


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NW3
Posted: May 31st, 2013, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don, for posting this. I know Everybody Loves Raymond ended some years ago, and it might seem a waste of time writing a script for a cancelled series but then there is the news (May 2013) that the BBC are shooting a remake:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-22456065

Channel 4 on UK network TV airs two original series episodes a day so it seems current to me!

If anybody would like to read the script, I appreciate any comments. The story could stand alone even if you don't know - or didn't like - the original series. It's in TV format, slightly modified from produced scripts I have seen. Because dialogue is double spaced the page count might be misleading, it times out at 24 mins approx.
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Leegion
Posted: May 31st, 2013, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Just a few quick notes:

The action lines should NOT BE ALL CAPPED.  

The lines are too far apart.  Make the depth 1.0.  Double spacing is hitting SPACE twice after a period point.  
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Bogey
Posted: May 31st, 2013, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Jon-

Read the first 15. Dialogue flows, and I can see the characters from that show saying those lines. Act One was dragging a little for me, but it was engaging and funny enough for me resume the rest later.

As for the format, I just completed a sitcom, and prior to writing I researched the format of 10 hit sitcoms and found 10 different formats. I thought yours was fine and within the range that I saw.

-Rich
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danbotha
Posted: May 31st, 2013, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion
Just a few quick notes:

The action lines should NOT BE ALL CAPPED.  

The lines are too far apart.  Make the depth 1.0.  Double spacing is hitting SPACE twice after a period point.  


Hi Leegion,

Just a heads up. This is a sitcom, meaning the format the writer currently has should be different to spec script writing. As far as I can tell, the formatting is perfect for a sitcom episode. However, if the writer were writing a spec film script, you would be absolutely correct.

Keep at it NW3. The formatting is fine

Dan


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 31st, 2013, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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What Dan says is correct.  Writing spec and writing a sitcom are two different things and two very different formats.  The spacing and formatting from what I've seen on the first page is correct.

- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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khamanna
Posted: June 1st, 2013, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

All the big teleplay comps like WB, NBC, CBS and others require from 25 to 35 pages. I figure in regular format as 25 pages in your format would be more like 20 pages. Besides they say 25 but all the pilots are mostly 30+ because a minute to page ratio in sitcoms is a little higher.

The pilots I've seen are in regular format. There are some formatted like yours, like right now I'm reading How I Met Your Mother, but I think it's rare as I read quite a few and they are all in regular format.

Anyway,
regarding the script:
I think there should be a reason for Ray to want that motorboat, otherwise why he would even bother...
The opening scene goes for 5 pages of argument and it's not funny and not anything new, just Ray and Debra going to and forth about him wanting a motorboat. Sorry to be harsh, I haven't read all of it - it could be spinning off into something wonderful...
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Leegion
Posted: June 1st, 2013, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from danbotha


Hi Leegion,

Just a heads up. This is a sitcom, meaning the format the writer currently has should be different to spec script writing. As far as I can tell, the formatting is perfect for a sitcom episode. However, if the writer were writing a spec film script, you would be absolutely correct.

Keep at it NW3. The formatting is fine

Dan


Ah, I wasn't sure.  My bad.

Lee

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NW3
Posted: June 1st, 2013, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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About the format... Yes indeed, there are a range of formats for TV. The script I have for Everybody Loves Raymond is from Season 3 (1998 ) and I followed it closely. I guess newer scripts are tending towards movie format; I could trawl through and reformat my script to upload here if it's an issue. I'm not thinking of entering it for any kind of contest or anything like that.

Thanks to everybody for taking time to look. 54 pages might seem a lot to read but it is almost entirely dialogue (double spaced as per the script I have) so it runs much less than a page a minute. I analysed a range of episodes for scene length and number so I'm pretty confident about that. I'll fight anybody at WB trying to tell me different, 25 pages or no.

To the story. Thank you, khamanna, for the tips. I thought I gave a reason for Ray to want a motorhome in the logline, and he tries to explain in the first scene - they can't afford a good vacation but the motorhome will pay for itself in accommodation. BTW, a motorhome is different to a motorboat... maybe that's for another script. As to Ray and Debra arguing "to and forth", do you not remember the series?    If it's not funny, such is life. Not harsh at all.

@Bogey, I'm concerned that it dragged for you. I already cut a number of scenes that weren't central to the story, such as Ray at World of Motorhomes, and a good deal of the Debra "to and forth". I got some feedback on an earlier draft from a reader in the US and I was way off on some of what has already gone, so this is useful and interesting for me.

@Lee, I downloaded OUTBREAK Z and I might be able to say something about it but probably not about format.
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