SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 4:46am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  When It Was Bliss - In production Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 15 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    When It Was Bliss - In production  (currently 6319 views)
Don
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
When It Was Bliss by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Short, Drama - Following the death of his sister, a teenager struggles to cope with the loss, even though his supportive girlfriend is willing to do anything to make it better. - pdf, format


+++++++++

Edit - Now in production.  Like it in The Facebooks


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 15th, 2013, 4:25pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
alffy
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
How do, Curtis.

Can you fade in with flashbacks?  How do it's a flashback with no previous reference?
I actually think it's more of a montage than a flashback.

I'd try to mix up the opening words to some action paragraphs as they become repetitive at times.  An example is the scene in Danielle's bedroom when there are eight paragraphs and five start with 'Cameron', in fact five out of the last six start with 'Cameron'.

I don't understand the 'it makes me feel bliss' statement?  I get that he's trying for closure but 'bliss' makes me think of happiness and that makes me feel like he's happy of the memory of his sister falling from the bridge.  Also Riley asks Cameron if he's still marking off days after 3 weeks, surely she's just bringing up the memory of his loss again?  I did wonder about Cameron and Danielle's relationship, like where were their parents as they seemed to be living alone together.

This seems a bit harsh that I've pulled out these niggles but that's because I liked this but these few little things troubled me.  I really liked this piece, although it was quite depressing, but it was moving and heart felt.

Overall, I liked this.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 48
Forgive
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Curtis  saw something new up by you, so I thought I'd take a look.

Not too sure you need to start off with the flashbacks - the super saying four months later does the same trick with less clutter.

Also, within the flashback there is a montage or series of shots, which should be shown.

Story-wise, I don't think this one went anywhere.

Until Danielle says '... little bro', I kinda thought they were courting, so that gave me a second read, and I also thought the story-line might go other places (kinda dodgy ones).

I think it would be better having the bridge at the beginning, and maybe changing that opening scene. On p.4 and at the end Cameron reveals there was some mocking from Danielle, and I think that might be worth playing on - instead of them having fun, maybe go for her always out-doing him - her being a bit of a dare-devil - that might add to the 'issues' that he has to resolve (the key dynamic). As is, I wasn't too sure what actual issues he was trying to get over, and I think there needed to be a bit more to give it some emotional impact.

I think Riley needs a little more motivation to stay committed to him, or else she ends the relationship and maybe they have a chance meeting?

Writing's generally good, but there's a couple of real soft spots:

p.4 - A much more grubbier area in comparison to Riley’s street.
-- ain't good English, and isn't a true visual.

In short, it's okay, but I don't think that you've shown/explored/nailed the true dynamic of the Bro'/sis' relation, and as a consequence of that, you've not really resolved them properly.

Best o' luck with -

Simon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 48
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 5:30am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
Firstly, big thanks to Don for getting this up.  This is my third short to day, and I personally have to thank this board so much for helping me learn/improve on my writing.

Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.

This is in-line to be produced by a filmmaker in Texas, which is also exciting.   And I owe it all to this site!

@Allfy

Yea, I was unsure on the "FADE IN" to flashbacks.  I didn't know whether to go with it or not, in the end I did, but might change that now to a SLUG then begin the flashbacks.

Point taken about the opening, too.  Thanks for pointing that out.

Like you said, regarding the scene at the bridge, it was Cam's closure.  He'd been hearing his sister, seeing her, and earlier she says to him that he needs to stop blaming himself -- then it'll be bliss and all okay again for him.  That scene was Cam finally listening to Danielle and following her wishes and overcoming the pain by going back to the scene of her death.

I don't think the marking of the dates would bring back the memory of her death.  Like previously stated, Danielle said he had to make more memories, and by Cam continuing to mark off the dates it's proving his strength, IMO.  

Yea, my previous shorts were quite depressing (which I think makes for good drama), but towards the end I wanted this peice to be more heartfelt and happy, so I hope I pulled that off.

Glad you enjoyed it overall though, always appreciate your feedback.

@SiColl

I had her say "little 'bro" at the start so people would know their relation from the first page of the short.

Considering all your comments though.  Thanks for the read, always love hearing your feedback.  I don't think, since I'm in an agreement with the director, that I can highly change this.  I might speak to him about making another draft with this, with your guys suggestions in mind, and see what he thinks.

There's a line that mentions Cam's mother is dead, and at one stage Riley says something during the fight outside the housr that Cam had previously "cut her off" before.  I kinda' implied that -- that was Riley's motivation to stay with him.  Cam had experienced lost before and she didn't want to see him break.

Thanks for the read!

-- Curt







"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 48
Forgive
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 6:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Curt - congrats on hooking this one up with a producer; hope it all works out well. At the end of the day if they are happy with it and want to go with it then that's fine - but I think they are always open to refinements --

let us know how it goes
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 48
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 6:26am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks, Si.

The director actually got in contact with me because he had read "Need" (another of my shorts, I think you read on here) and he wanted to direct it, but I already had signed an agreement with another director in Florida so he eventually ended up asking if I had anything else -- and this short was the "anything else" which secured the deal.

I'm hoping both productions eventually make it from start to finish and production.  It'd be a dream for me.  I also think the director would be up for tightening up the script, so I think I will contact him about it.

We're planned to Skype a conference call on Saturday (my UK time) so I will deffo be keeping you guys up to date!

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 48
Toby_E
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 7:41am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey

Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.



No worries at all, man! As I said when I read this, I think this is your strongest work to date. I look forward to hearing about the production schedule, etc., so definitely chime back in here after the Skype conference!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 48
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 8:01am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks a lot, Toby.  I hope the Skype call goes smoothly and everything is kind of smoothed out and I get a rundown of how this will go.  

Cannot wait to share whatever the director says with you guys.  You lead me in the right direction!


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 48
Guest
Posted: June 6th, 2013, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Yeah, Toby's a good guy.  He read one of my drafts too, and really helped with his comments.  Make sure you thank that guy! haha  

Anyway, I, on the other hand, was slightly disappointed with this.

Some scenes I bought... some were 'eh'.  I think you could really benefit from spicing up your writing a bit.  Especially since you write about such dark topics most of the time.  This is starting to be a real problem with me when it comes to opening up someone's work.  Dull, plain, bland, are some words that come to mind a lot lately.  For example, you have two female characters that you describe as "beautiful".  I know you can do better than that.  What does Manny say in Scarface about another gangster with style?  Something like, "look at that guy, he's got pizazz."  Try to put some pizazz into your writing.  Some flair, spark.

On another note, I really like Riley.  Reminds me of my girlfriend.  Dependable, unwavering, always there.  She really helped me out a lot when my uncle passed...which was a reason why I dropped out of the recent 1+7 week challenge.  You have a good character in Riley...dare I say you could even make her a little bit stronger, and give her more to do, maybe even expand this longer than 11 pages.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 48
Gaviano
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 4:17am Report to Moderator
New


I write therefore I am...

Location
Northern Ireland
Posts
63
Posts Per Day
0.01
hey curt, good job on this one. Absolutely chuffed you're getting it produced. Looking forward to hearing more about it.
Good luck man
-Gav


The MacBook is mightier than the Sword

Read me:
HOME (9pgs)
DAY 67 (10pgs)


twitter: @logiebaird  
If you're a filmmaker feel free to contact me via email concerning my current screenplays or to request some of my other work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 48
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 10:37am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
@Reaper

He is, he's a cool dude alright, and such a help, he's even helped me out on my next short I plan to post soon!

Sad to hear you we're slightly disappointed though!

I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum.  However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing?  Thanks for pointing that out. Mim going to suggest to the director filming this that I maybe do a rewrite to tighten things up and add a little bit more pizazz, haha.

Glad you liked, Riley.  Her dialogue is slightly based on that of my friend, Hazel, who when talking to me last month talked about how she wasn't a psychiatrist and all that but she wanted me to open up -- slightly similar to the dialogue Riley says in the park at the start with Cam.   I really enjoyed writing for Riley, so I'm glad she remind you of someone close, and sorry to hear about your uncle, stay strong.  I recently had a passing in my family and it was hard to pull through but I got there.

I agree maybe she could be stronger, but I really don't want to go past 10 pages on this one.  I think in it's condition it would make a good short movie, but I do agree there's room for improvement.

@Gav

Glad you enjoyed it, man.  Yea, it's exciting to have two shorts being produced, especially since I'm so young (people are now starting to take my pursuits of being a screenwriter seriously, both friends and family, thank God!!!).  Lets hope it doesn't fall through though, because I've heard of people just vanishing and abandoning a project like the drop of a hat.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 48
Guest
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey

I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum.  However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing?  



I seem to recall a line from A Perfect Day.  One of your character's was described as "probably the type that would have a plethora of babes at his feet" or something like that.  I think it was a little clunky, but you could also see a sense of style trying to scratch the surface.  You don't want to lose that.  

So many times I am just turned off by a lot of writing on here because it doesn't engage me... at all.  I wouldn't want to open your next short and then throw it into a pile of bore-fests.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 48
alffy
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Good news about getting this produced, Curt.  Well done, chief.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 48
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks, man!  I hope this guy follows through!

And @Reaper

I remember that line!  I think it's cut from the new draft I have yet to post because it was unfilmable, but I know what you're saying about it being clunky and it inferred SOMETHING sparkly was there!  I hope I don't loose that.

I'm finishing my last week of compulsory schooling here in the UK in one weeks time.  New path, new road, new school, and mostly new people for me after the Summer.  I want to possibly pursue a much more happier story (in comparison to my others) regarding all this and turn it into a cool story.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)

Revision History (1 edits)
AmbitionIsKey  -  June 7th, 2013, 7:42pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 48
Gaviano
Posted: June 8th, 2013, 5:26am Report to Moderator
New


I write therefore I am...

Location
Northern Ireland
Posts
63
Posts Per Day
0.01
Curt - I recently had my short produced by a crew of university students in their final year of Film Production. Its was a bit different to how I imagined it as was written but still seeing my work on screen was an immensely proud and influential moment, especially considering it was the first short I posted on here.

Never let anyone beat you up about becoming a screenwriter, no matter your age, background or anything. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act "If the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning is screenwriting, then you're a screenwriter"

Ok so thats not completely true but you get where Im going with this lol


The MacBook is mightier than the Sword

Read me:
HOME (9pgs)
DAY 67 (10pgs)


twitter: @logiebaird  
If you're a filmmaker feel free to contact me via email concerning my current screenplays or to request some of my other work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 48
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006