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When It Was Bliss by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Short, Drama - Following the death of his sister, a teenager struggles to cope with the loss, even though his supportive girlfriend is willing to do anything to make it better. - pdf, format
Can you fade in with flashbacks? How do it's a flashback with no previous reference? I actually think it's more of a montage than a flashback.
I'd try to mix up the opening words to some action paragraphs as they become repetitive at times. An example is the scene in Danielle's bedroom when there are eight paragraphs and five start with 'Cameron', in fact five out of the last six start with 'Cameron'.
I don't understand the 'it makes me feel bliss' statement? I get that he's trying for closure but 'bliss' makes me think of happiness and that makes me feel like he's happy of the memory of his sister falling from the bridge. Also Riley asks Cameron if he's still marking off days after 3 weeks, surely she's just bringing up the memory of his loss again? I did wonder about Cameron and Danielle's relationship, like where were their parents as they seemed to be living alone together.
This seems a bit harsh that I've pulled out these niggles but that's because I liked this but these few little things troubled me. I really liked this piece, although it was quite depressing, but it was moving and heart felt.
Overall, I liked this.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Hey Curtis saw something new up by you, so I thought I'd take a look.
Not too sure you need to start off with the flashbacks - the super saying four months later does the same trick with less clutter.
Also, within the flashback there is a montage or series of shots, which should be shown.
Story-wise, I don't think this one went anywhere.
Until Danielle says '... little bro', I kinda thought they were courting, so that gave me a second read, and I also thought the story-line might go other places (kinda dodgy ones).
I think it would be better having the bridge at the beginning, and maybe changing that opening scene. On p.4 and at the end Cameron reveals there was some mocking from Danielle, and I think that might be worth playing on - instead of them having fun, maybe go for her always out-doing him - her being a bit of a dare-devil - that might add to the 'issues' that he has to resolve (the key dynamic). As is, I wasn't too sure what actual issues he was trying to get over, and I think there needed to be a bit more to give it some emotional impact.
I think Riley needs a little more motivation to stay committed to him, or else she ends the relationship and maybe they have a chance meeting?
Writing's generally good, but there's a couple of real soft spots:
p.4 - A much more grubbier area in comparison to Riley’s street. -- ain't good English, and isn't a true visual.
In short, it's okay, but I don't think that you've shown/explored/nailed the true dynamic of the Bro'/sis' relation, and as a consequence of that, you've not really resolved them properly.
Firstly, big thanks to Don for getting this up. This is my third short to day, and I personally have to thank this board so much for helping me learn/improve on my writing.
Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.
This is in-line to be produced by a filmmaker in Texas, which is also exciting. And I owe it all to this site!
@Allfy
Yea, I was unsure on the "FADE IN" to flashbacks. I didn't know whether to go with it or not, in the end I did, but might change that now to a SLUG then begin the flashbacks.
Point taken about the opening, too. Thanks for pointing that out.
Like you said, regarding the scene at the bridge, it was Cam's closure. He'd been hearing his sister, seeing her, and earlier she says to him that he needs to stop blaming himself -- then it'll be bliss and all okay again for him. That scene was Cam finally listening to Danielle and following her wishes and overcoming the pain by going back to the scene of her death.
I don't think the marking of the dates would bring back the memory of her death. Like previously stated, Danielle said he had to make more memories, and by Cam continuing to mark off the dates it's proving his strength, IMO.
Yea, my previous shorts were quite depressing (which I think makes for good drama), but towards the end I wanted this peice to be more heartfelt and happy, so I hope I pulled that off.
Glad you enjoyed it overall though, always appreciate your feedback.
@SiColl
I had her say "little 'bro" at the start so people would know their relation from the first page of the short.
Considering all your comments though. Thanks for the read, always love hearing your feedback. I don't think, since I'm in an agreement with the director, that I can highly change this. I might speak to him about making another draft with this, with your guys suggestions in mind, and see what he thinks.
There's a line that mentions Cam's mother is dead, and at one stage Riley says something during the fight outside the housr that Cam had previously "cut her off" before. I kinda' implied that -- that was Riley's motivation to stay with him. Cam had experienced lost before and she didn't want to see him break.
Thanks for the read!
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
Hey Curt - congrats on hooking this one up with a producer; hope it all works out well. At the end of the day if they are happy with it and want to go with it then that's fine - but I think they are always open to refinements --
The director actually got in contact with me because he had read "Need" (another of my shorts, I think you read on here) and he wanted to direct it, but I already had signed an agreement with another director in Florida so he eventually ended up asking if I had anything else -- and this short was the "anything else" which secured the deal.
I'm hoping both productions eventually make it from start to finish and production. It'd be a dream for me. I also think the director would be up for tightening up the script, so I think I will contact him about it.
We're planned to Skype a conference call on Saturday (my UK time) so I will deffo be keeping you guys up to date!
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
Also, big thanks and shout out to Toby (Toby_E) -- for pointing me in the right direction with this and reading the first draft, he be my bruvvvva.
No worries at all, man! As I said when I read this, I think this is your strongest work to date. I look forward to hearing about the production schedule, etc., so definitely chime back in here after the Skype conference!
Yeah, Toby's a good guy. He read one of my drafts too, and really helped with his comments. Make sure you thank that guy! haha
Anyway, I, on the other hand, was slightly disappointed with this.
Some scenes I bought... some were 'eh'. I think you could really benefit from spicing up your writing a bit. Especially since you write about such dark topics most of the time. This is starting to be a real problem with me when it comes to opening up someone's work. Dull, plain, bland, are some words that come to mind a lot lately. For example, you have two female characters that you describe as "beautiful". I know you can do better than that. What does Manny say in Scarface about another gangster with style? Something like, "look at that guy, he's got pizazz." Try to put some pizazz into your writing. Some flair, spark.
On another note, I really like Riley. Reminds me of my girlfriend. Dependable, unwavering, always there. She really helped me out a lot when my uncle passed...which was a reason why I dropped out of the recent 1+7 week challenge. You have a good character in Riley...dare I say you could even make her a little bit stronger, and give her more to do, maybe even expand this longer than 11 pages.
He is, he's a cool dude alright, and such a help, he's even helped me out on my next short I plan to post soon!
Sad to hear you we're slightly disappointed though!
I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum. However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing? Thanks for pointing that out. Mim going to suggest to the director filming this that I maybe do a rewrite to tighten things up and add a little bit more pizazz, haha.
Glad you liked, Riley. Her dialogue is slightly based on that of my friend, Hazel, who when talking to me last month talked about how she wasn't a psychiatrist and all that but she wanted me to open up -- slightly similar to the dialogue Riley says in the park at the start with Cam. I really enjoyed writing for Riley, so I'm glad she remind you of someone close, and sorry to hear about your uncle, stay strong. I recently had a passing in my family and it was hard to pull through but I got there.
I agree maybe she could be stronger, but I really don't want to go past 10 pages on this one. I think in it's condition it would make a good short movie, but I do agree there's room for improvement.
@Gav
Glad you enjoyed it, man. Yea, it's exciting to have two shorts being produced, especially since I'm so young (people are now starting to take my pursuits of being a screenwriter seriously, both friends and family, thank God!!!). Lets hope it doesn't fall through though, because I've heard of people just vanishing and abandoning a project like the drop of a hat.
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
I agree about the spark and pizazz though (ah, PIZAZZ, how I love that word!) -- my writing used to make use of prose but I since stripped it back and made it much more straight forward, something I learned from this forum. However I do agree that the writing in this could be more... capturing?
I seem to recall a line from A Perfect Day. One of your character's was described as "probably the type that would have a plethora of babes at his feet" or something like that. I think it was a little clunky, but you could also see a sense of style trying to scratch the surface. You don't want to lose that.
So many times I am just turned off by a lot of writing on here because it doesn't engage me... at all. I wouldn't want to open your next short and then throw it into a pile of bore-fests.
I remember that line! I think it's cut from the new draft I have yet to post because it was unfilmable, but I know what you're saying about it being clunky and it inferred SOMETHING sparkly was there! I hope I don't loose that.
I'm finishing my last week of compulsory schooling here in the UK in one weeks time. New path, new road, new school, and mostly new people for me after the Summer. I want to possibly pursue a much more happier story (in comparison to my others) regarding all this and turn it into a cool story.
-- Curt
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
Curt - I recently had my short produced by a crew of university students in their final year of Film Production. Its was a bit different to how I imagined it as was written but still seeing my work on screen was an immensely proud and influential moment, especially considering it was the first short I posted on here.
Never let anyone beat you up about becoming a screenwriter, no matter your age, background or anything. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act "If the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning is screenwriting, then you're a screenwriter"
Ok so thats not completely true but you get where Im going with this lol