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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  This Screenwriter Saw God Moderators: bert
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  Author    This Screenwriter Saw God  (currently 1259 views)
Don
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Screenwriter Saw God by Machael - Short - This Screenwriter saw God, and he posted his script on the Internet for anyone to see what is inside his head. 39 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Ease up, guys.

[Edit:  bert agrees.  Some posts deleted already.  Please do not make me delet more.  Thanx]

Machael or Michael?

So all talk and little action on the critical page 1...not the way to go.  Too much talk can really bring the read to a halt and a big block of dialogue at the start can be a bit daunting to a reader.

There's also quite a few grammatical mistakes.  Proofread and proofread and proofread until you think you've got it...and then proofread.  Read a few scripts on this site and a few professional ones to really get the hang of things.  Keep action lines active (watches) as opposed to passive (is watching).  Best of luck.

Johnny



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bert  -  June 7th, 2013, 5:12pm
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J.S.
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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"A Camera appears, and then THE NARRATOR appears standing,
and is watching into the camera�s lenses."

"He pauses staring into the camera�s lenses, and then The
Camera, and The Narrator vanishes."

Is this a camera that we see on screen or THE camera that shoots all the action?

"INT. GOD - NIGHT"

Wow I didn't know this was possible.

"From within the round ball of light God�s face slowly starts
to protrude at the center of the perfectly round ball of
light. Gods eyes is light. God�s nose is light. God�s lips
are light, God�s chin, and forehead is light, and God�s
cheeks are light that are barely visible."

So... just light? I think you're seeing something I'm not seeing.

"The only part of God�s face that can be seen looks like the
Nuns, and the Muslim�s women who covers their heads, and
ears revealing only the front of their faces, and the front
of their cheeks."

Like a ninja? I thought everything was light? You're going to need a talented director to decipher this script. I'm not sure if this is literal or parabolic.

"This Screenwriter watches as God shrink�s back to his normal
size"

Which is what exactly?

"and the camera is magically moving."

Wait, what? I thought the camera vanished on page 2? Perhaps the camera should first magically appear before it magically moves?

page 8 is where I stop.
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B.C.
Posted: June 7th, 2013, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not a man of religion, but...I just finished watching 'Life of Pi'.  What a wonderful movie.  Those who have seen that movie will know what I am talking about, even the most agnostic or atheist among us will say...what a great movie. Made me think (although I will admit I'm not the brightest star in the sky).  I don't judge, I just want a visual story to enjoy. I keep an open mind.

I opened this script up. I'm gonna put aside the technical problems this script has and concentrate on the first thing that made me want to quit reading. It was this:

THE NARRATOR
Hello... The man that is asleep
behind me is the man who wrote this
script that's posted on this
website.

I wanted to bail here.  The reason?  This reads like a script that's written for a website.  Please don't tell me I'm reading on a script on a website. I know that.  The trick is to make me believe I'm not.  I bailed on page 2. The narration felt like a brain storming session for something that should be years in the planning.

I did carry on a bit longer (open mind -- honestly) but the narrator then started talking about the President of the United States, the Pentagon and Hollywood. I got confused. That's when I gave up.  I didn't get the connections. Maybe that's maybe my ignorance, or maybe this story has problems.
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dogglebe
Posted: June 10th, 2013, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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I stopped reading at page four.  It was like reading a screenplay version of Chick book, only not nearly as interesting.  It was just a preachy sermon.  The opening two page narration was painful to read with the on-the-nose, I-refuse-to-listen-to-other-views preaching.

If the author was trying 'persuade' people to join his faith, I doubt he'll get anyone.  It wasn't interesting enough to keep readers.  Getting converts is a harder (if not impossible) sell.

In a nutshell, it's failed preaching.


Phil

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bert  -  June 10th, 2013, 7:48am
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