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This was okay. Some writing issues - camera directions, 'WE' that empties that spills down the page.
This went on a few pages too long, after the first digit was removed, the reader/audience understands whats going on. The ear, was unecessary. It didn't make the story clearer or show anything more about the character.
To give this more impact, it needs to be shorter IMO.
Some interesting ideas, and some interesting techiniques (or experiments, maybe) with format -- some are swing-and-a-miss, but I appreciate the effort and see what you are going for.
Also good is starting right in the middle of the action. Your sense of "enter late" is perfect.
As much as I like it, I do not quite "get it" either, so I guess I could like it better. Some of the descriptions are confusing, and Grant is clearly shouting at someone (or something) specific, and I do not quite understand that aspect of the story.
Not sure I recognize the name, but hope your are around. This is a concept that could work well with a little refinement.
Dale, Really liked this! SPOILER. When I read the word DEAD at the end I couldn't help but smile. Of course, your camera angles and direction should be left to a director. Just give us the story, please. The Steelers Wheel song reminded me too much of Resovoir Dogs. And they say never to use copyrighted music, at least not in this stage of your script. Needs a little clean up, but otherwise enjoyable. Quick, to the point. And it made me WANT to finish it 'cause I just had to know how it ended. Good job. Regards, Steve
I agree with the others that this script could be better written. I also agree that this was a great story. A Twilight Zone on acid type of thing. If you fix the writing, tighten things up, I can see filmmakers wanting to produce this.
WTF? What did I just read? I'm not sure. Actually, I am sure that I have no clue what this is supposed to be about...and obviously, that's the way you wanted it.
Uhhh...the writing is...well...the writing is terrible, IMO. Technically, very, very poor. This reads more like a poem or experimental prose of some kind. Much of this has no place in a screenplay, and for me, it only detracted more from a WTF story.
It appear many like what they read, though, so kudos on that. For me, I got nothing out of this and don't appreciate graphic violence for the sake of it, and IMO, that's all we really have here.
Hope you chime in and let us on to what your intents here were.
Not much else to say that hasn't already been said. Very strange format and needs serious work but the story was great, one of the best I've read here for a while actually.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Fully, fully behind the Reservoir Dogs joke. The idea that who/whatever is responsible for the notes has pop-culture knowledge and would bother to make a Tarantino reference is quite funny.
Nothing wrong with the formatting, for me. More or less reflects the kinetic pace that would be needed to keep this going in a film. The concrete poetry gag with the flesh peeling off his face ("empties" is the word, I think) also works very well for me. The camera angles definitely aren't helping anything, though.
I think Eoin's right to say that this goes on a little long. What's missing here is the possibility of success. As Eoin notes, we understand the rules very quickly, but Grant doesn't try to diverge from the rules at all...he thinks he can beat the notes at their own game, which I think it's obvious that he can't. What will engage more is if Grant finds some loophole/sees some trick/chooses some tactic that makes us think, hey, the post-it noter won't have thought of that...this might save him!
Mixed reactions on your writing technique. Yeah the camera directions should be ditched and there was some excessive detail but not all that bad.
Now onto the story. I agree with Heretic that there's no real reason why Grant should even toy with the post-it pad or at least none that I can see. He can either throw it aside and die or he can hack himself to pieces and die regardless. What does he have to win? There needs to be some glimmer of hope for Grant, even if it's just him saving one of his pieces like his ring finger which I think would work. He gets it right, he keeps the appendage, he doesn't, well...you know.
On a side note, it would have been funny to see a new hangman puzzle in Spanish, sorta like a curve ball to Grant if he's been on a roll. Just seeing a bunch of dashes with a few accent marks over a few of the spaces...sorry, I'm going off the rails.
A back and forth battle is what I'm getting at basically. More to it then a guy torturing himself. Still a great idea but there needs to be two sides as opposed to the post-it pad just having it's way with Grant. Take care. Enjoyed it overall.
I actually thought this was a pretty unique idea. It reminded me of a short that a good friend of mine starred in called "Cutting Moments" (Troma Films).
You took a lot of chances with formatting, and I kinda liked it. Except for that thing you did on page 4 (what the fuck was that?). Though you should probably begin with a FADE IN or an OPEN ON.
The writing can be stronger for sure, though I didn't think it was nearly as horrible as a few comments here mentioned. Just needs to be tightened up. And you can probably do without the camera directions (unless you plan on shooting this yourself).
And some of the commentary in the description can be taken out. It's cool to add personality to the prose, but the way it's written, you may as well have narrated the story using your own voice.
Also a few typos here (should probably capitalize the "G" in Grant on page 5).
Neat idea. Right up my alley. I can see this EASILY being filmed.
I completely disagree. IMO, what makes this unique or cool, if anything, is the violence on display. How could this be easily filmed with no budget and no FX? OK, the finger and ear could be done by just not showing much, but the finale with the shower death? No way...no way.