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Wandering Heart by Brian Schell (eliteoutlaw) - Short, Action, Drama - Two samurai warriors put their life on the line for the heart of a woman. 5 pages - pdf, format
I'm a fan of warrior stories like these so I had to take a look.
The writing was pretty smooth though a few unfilmables in your character descriptions. "...powerful, feared, and respected..." We can't actually see or hear this. Perhaps there's a better way of illustrating this as opposed to flat out telling? Show, don't tell is basically what I'm trying to get across.
A few typos as well:
"Plaqued" should be "plagued" "stand" should be "stands" "Aumi" should be "Azumi" Btw, I think you're better off writing "and" instead of putting the "&".
As far as the story is concerned, this one didn't do all that much for me. It feels like a little too much dialogue actually. I don't know but this one feels like it would work well with very little words and much more action. I'm also wondering why Hatori thinks it's Kyo that slept with his wife. Maybe Keiko told Hatori but then she grows a conscious? Hatori could have seen them but a nimble, teenage, female ninja compared to a mid-twenties samurai...I think Hatori could tell the difference. I'd like to hear you thoughts on it as I may be over-thinking it (as I do with a lot of stories I read).
This was just ok for me. I didn't care about any of the characters. The writing was easy to read although the dialogue needs trimming and work to me. The story would do better to have a bit of a twist rather than telling us everything that happens and even showing the flash. It may be just me, but I like to 'think' while I"m reading or watching something like this. I think you could make this better. Make your characters at least one of them likable...make us care or root for one.
Thank you all for taking time for reviewing it. I am taking all things in account to try and improve. So like a great man told me feel free to hate it. Its your view. I have no problem with that.
Any helpful criticism is always welcomed.
After I read the second review I thought about it at work and thought to myself that I could of saved the flashback for the end. I did reveal to much too quickly instead of leading the audience on so thank you for that. I appreciate that a lot.
Dreamscale I have no problem with you. If you don't like it that is fine. I am blessed that you spent a micro second of your time to even look at it. Maybe my future scripts could be more pleasing to you or maybe not, lol. Either way thank you all. You don't realize how big this was for me. I have to fail in order to succeed. Thank you.
Just wondering how much research you did on Samurai before you wrote this?
First thing that strikes me - a Samurai does not unsheath his sword until he engages an opponent. It's also unclear where the katana is when Keiko hugs him. Also, remember that Japanese culture at the time was very strict and rigid, with codes of etiquette and duty being adhered to.
Such a display of affection is more in keeping with an angsty teen film than a period Samurai piece.
You need to SHOW - as opposed to tell. E.G. Your first line of description:
A strong breeze passes over the grassy field - You can't SEE a breeze, or show it on screen, but you can SEE it's effect. If your first line of description (like your second) describes grass SWAYING etc - we can infer that there is a breeze.
The visual SHOWS us what is happening.
The same happens here:
Elite Ninja AZUMI TASAKA enters the room. She is barely out of her teens, attractive, professional and deadly.
Describe what she is wearing - we will understand she is a Ninja.
You should also understand the history between Samurai and Ninja . . .
Stick with the present simple tense: Both men rush in drawing their swords & attacked.
This reads better as: Both men rush in draw their swords and attack.
I understand Ninja are stealthy, but you need to show the read that she is there. presently it reads like she appeared out of thin air.
Remember in a movie anything can happen, lol. A samurai can hold his sword while taking a piss if he choose too. The swaying of the grass is something I could of added so thanks for that. For Azumi, I think when you write ninja the wardrobe should not have to be written out unless there is something unique about it that the audience need to see and it will play a part in the movie later down the line.
In the short I did show she was there. She was nearby watching the whole thing waiting for a opportunity to strike. I showed the flash to make the audience believe she will obey her master and strike down his foe but instead she killed him.
This really didn't do anything for me, Brian. The biggest problem I saw was in your characterization. Hatori didn't sound like a samurai (or atleast what samurais sound like in movies). He seemed weak and ordinary:
Quoted Text
HATORI Maybe it best you return home, Keiko. When I finish up things here you and I are going to have a talk.
He sounds like such a pussy, here. Not the Japanese warrior we all know (from movies).
Remember in a movie anything can happen, lol. A samurai can hold his sword while taking a piss if he choose too.
In movies, a samurai can carry a laser rifle and have a talking camel as a best friend. Doesn't mean it will make a good story. If you want to write a completely fantasmagorical fantasy tale, then go to town with it. But if you're trying to write a dramatic piece and want to be realistic, you have to be realistic all the way through.
But I never said I wanted it to be real. This is short that is will be expanded. Hatori sounded weak in that line because he has something on his mind as well. But no one can see that because it takes place before the start of the short.
But thanks anyway. Remember, feel free to hate it. I have no problem with that.
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Wandering Heart
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