SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:59am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Offline Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Offline  (currently 11749 views)
Don
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 9:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Offline by Gary Rowlands (rolo) - Thriller - When a bed-ridden teen discovers his online crush has been murdered, he investigates her death, leading him on a hunt to stop her killer before he strikes again. 98 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 30th, 2013, 7:33pm
revised script
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Bogey
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 10:14am Report to Moderator
New



Location
The Chair
Posts
232
Posts Per Day
0.06
Link to the script failed.

The logline hooked me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 85
Lon
Posted: June 12th, 2013, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Louisville
Posts
403
Posts Per Day
0.06
Link seems to be working now.  I was also intrigued by the logline.  I'll be giving it a look.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 85
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: June 13th, 2013, 5:22am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Belfast, Ireland
Posts
363
Posts Per Day
0.09
Love the log-line, and the overall idea.

Great first page!  However, you start us off with a SLUG and failed with a mandatory "FADE IN:" -- so I'd suggest fixing that.

Overall, I'm surprised you fitted all the intensity that you did onto the first page, and it was well done, might I add.  Nice mystery already as to why this guy is running and scared and out of breath.

Will make sure to get back to this soon, no time to read anymore, but you're off to a good start IMO.  Well done.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 85
INTS
Posted: June 14th, 2013, 9:09am Report to Moderator
New


Someday we all gona DIE !!!

Location
London, UK
Posts
57
Posts Per Day
0.01


Wow.  that was nice.  I watched  million of movies but this one still surprised me at the end was pretty intense during all 80 pages.

SPOILERS.  
The concept of the story is very similar to Movies Like Sixth Sense and The Others that's why I believe it will be hard to be made cos producers will say same concept different story.

However I just loved your rich language and variety of words you use. "  Kills the light. Slams his head on the pillow."
First 20 pages was just a killer couldn't stop reading,  but little bit later pacing slowed down.  And then story shocked me with possibility that he may be killer.  But the end was so awesome.  That I wanted to read the whole story again to see how it worked out.

Few issues I had while reading

Dave has zero friends in Facebook.  seriously? zero friends.  where he lives in Ethiopia?  dogs has more friends on Facebook. change to 3 all his relatives.

Many times you wrote what we cannot see.  " DAVE
Scowls. He’s in no mood for prayers."  You need to show.  For example.  Dave scowls and looks lost in thoughts.
or "For the first time in a long time, Dave feels good abouthimself - even a little proud!"  I would write Dave looks cheerful.

" Suddenly, we catch a glimpse of a silver charm bracelet draped around the killer’s wrist as SHE? wields the dagger" You can't say we it's a spec script.  just say bracelet drops...

" Dave’s puzzled. Something’s wrong. But he’s not sure what?"     How can we as a viewers  see that he is not sure? I would say daves face shows million thoughts runs through his mind.

" DAVE She’s a goddamn human lie detector!
I keep doing this she’s gonna end up spooked or lied to... Either way she’s gone.
MEI You’re just scared of losing her!
DAVE M-Maybe I am."
Seriously?  dave knows she is a ghost for few hours and he is afraid of loosing her? why?  becouse he want sex?  friendship with ghost?

"Truth is, I’d kill for a Mother like yours.
A tear trickles down Dave’s face.
Only know does he realize just how special his Mom is."

Not believeable that Dave realizes how mother care for him just when crazy lady whants to kill his mother



In general I enjoyed to read that.  I am waiting next one!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 85
rolo
Posted: June 16th, 2013, 10:53am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
136
Posts Per Day
0.03
Firstly, Thanks Don for posting this so quick!

The script is a contained supernatural thriller intended to be shot on a micro budget. Consequently, it does not have an abundance of striking visuals and is mostly dialogue driven (hope that doesn't put anybody off!) It has a fairly slow build and also starts off quite light in tone. However, the story does become increasingly dark as it progresses and has some pretty big twists in the third act. (If you manage to read that far that is?!)

@ Bogey - Just tried the link myself seems to be working okay now.

@ Lon - Would welcome your thoughts!

@ AmbitionIsKey - Thanks so much for the positive comments - they're much appreciated! As for starting off with a SLUG and no FADE IN - I was hoping nobody would notice! Truth is - FADE IN took Dave's accident onto page 2 and I wanted to have it all happen on page 1 - so that it would hopefully hook people straight away!

@ INTS - Glad you like it! Your Facebook comment made me lo! I can see what you're saying - I wanted to create a little sympathy for him and also the fact he has no Facebook friends is meant to tie into the ending if that makes sense? Good point about the 'unfilmables, - I'll give them a tweak. Thanks for the read!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 85
SAC
Posted: June 26th, 2013, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Gary,
Well, well.  Looks like I've found my next read!  Came across this kinda by accident, but I'm glad I did.  I'm only 5 pages in, but i'll be reading the rest over the next few days.  I'll post some more thoughts then.

So far...forget about the first page and the accident.  It's a good hook, but it wasn't what hooked me.  What hooked me is your writing style.  Your action lines are concise and to the point.  And your descriptions are vibrant!  I mean, I saw colors, man.  I thought they were that good.

Quick question...what number draft is this?  1st, 2nd, 3rd...?

regards,
Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 85
SAC
Posted: June 27th, 2013, 4:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Gary,
Read this last night in line a hour!  Quickest read ever.

As I'm sure you already know you need to go over this with a fine toothed comb.  There are a few spelling mistakes.  And your formatting, I don't know.  You have no traditional slugs, like, INT. and so forth.  I mean, I know that was your intention, but I'm not sure if that is correct or not.  Certainly did not hurt the read--it made it better, quicker IMO.  

Your storytelling and pacing came across very well.  Your descriptions were excellent.  Linda especially.  We got a real good sense of who she was and what she looked like.  I thought she was a complete bitch, but in the end...man, you had me completely fooled!

Dave was a likeable guy.  Always important.  Really felt for him and his tough decisions in regards to Debbie.

Mei was interesting.  A bit of comic relief, whether or not it was intended.  And the choice of her name --MEI--sounds like ME?  Definitely trying to tell us something there as to who she really was.

Funny, but Trexler sounded like she could have been a man.  Popeye arms?  I couldn't get that out of my head for the entire third act.  Kept making me think of a man.

All in all, nicely done.  Quick.  Tense.  Twist ending that I know i didn't see coming.  I usually like to let myself get wrapped up in a story, so I don't think ahead too much.  I just let the story take me where it wants.  I had no problem letting that happen with this one.

Would def like to see something of yours that doesn't take place in one location.  See how you deal with diff locations and more characters.  

Anyway, best of luck with this one, bud!

Regards,
Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 85
the goose
Posted: June 27th, 2013, 6:31am Report to Moderator
New


Yippie-kay-ay.

Location
London
Posts
297
Posts Per Day
0.04
There's nothing wrong with a FADE IN at all, don't let anyone worry you about that. Directions can be changed at any time, what's important is developing the story and idea.

And if you're planning to shoot this yourself then its definitely wise to put in directions.

As for unfilmables, leave them in - they add character and flare to writing, and can make the director/set designer etc job a lot easier. They can also help the actors get into the mindset of the character. If you look at some classic scripts on here for films like Chinatown etc there's an awful lot of unfilmables in them. I don't know of any producer in the industry who would throw something out due to a bit of added flare to the description (check my signature).

SPOILERS

In short I liked it. I don't want to sound like one of those people who always try and be clever by 'guessing the ending' of something, but it was painfully obvious that Dave was indeed dead - and this has been done before, so much that this twist is more predictable now than a normal ending.

This would need a rewrite, but imagine if everyone was lead to believe that Dave was dead and as a ghost - and then at the end we suddenly find out he's alive! Has that been done before?  Could be an interesting idea.

But for a minute I believed Dave was the killer and then Linda - it's a real art form, writting a whoddunnit and successfully tricking viewers/readers but you managed it here, and just for that it means that this is a good piece of writing - be proud!

Great feeling of isolation, reminded me a bit of 'the bone collector' in a way - except of course there are other characters outside of Denzel's room.

Action ticked along nicely - although it was fairly spaced out, so it may run well under 80 mins (I'm using the classic resolve that 80 pages - 80 mins) - but then again for a microbudget project that's no real problem.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 85
rolo
Posted: June 29th, 2013, 9:01am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
136
Posts Per Day
0.03
@ Steve - Sorry for the rather slow reply! I didn't think the script would garner any more reads and only checked in to see how many views it had received! Firstly, I'm absolutely thrilled you enjoyed the story and liked my writing!

To answer your questions: This is the fourth draft of Offline - The story was in place from the beginning, I just tweaked it - Tried to make it as good as I possibly could. As for any spelling mistakes, I use Final Draft and always use the spell check - problem is, I'm a Brit writing for the US market and Final Draft regonises both country's spellings as correct: Color, colour etc - so it's really tough to get the spellings right.

The formatting is, as you guessed, a deliberate choice. I wanted to make the read as fast as possible and because the story takes place almost entirely in one location, didn't think I needed to use INT. etc all the time.

As for Mei sounding like Me and the true meaning of her name - you nailed it!

Trexler sounding like a man because of her 'Popeye' arms - I wanted her to sound strong and powerful - but not sound like a man lol. Might need to tweak that!

The biggest compliment I can pay you is, everything I wanted the reader to feel and get out of the story - You got!
(might sound like a backhanded compliment to myself - but that's not what's intended!)

Thanks for reading Offline right through to the end and for all your positive comments! Let me know if you would like me to read something of yours? - Happy to return the read!

@ the goose - Thanks so much for giving Offline a read! Have to say I agree with your view on Unfilmables - if used sparingly they can and do add character and flare to writing and also make the director's job a lot easier.

I'm glad you liked the story! Have to say a few people have guessed Dave's 'situation' though most have not!

As for your suggestion about not having Dave be dead, but everyone thinking he was - I actually tried it in draft 3 - It worked to an extent - however the ending felt a bit flat. As well as being a contained supernatural thriller, it's also, in part, a love story between Dave and Debbie - them ending up together was more emotionally satisfying than Dave being alive, but effectively all alone.

Saying: "this is a good piece of writing - be proud" - Really does make me proud! Thanks so much for the kind words!

More than happy to read something of yours in return!

Finally, one thing I would like to make clear, particularly as you're not the first person to make this assumption (sorry for the use of Caps - not shouting out you - just want to make things clear!):

I AM NOT PLANNING TO SHOOT THIS MYSELF - UNFORTUNATELY, I DO NOT HAVE THE REQUISITE SKILLS/FINANCE TO PULL IT OFF - I POSTED THIS ON SIMPLYSCRIPTS IN THE HOPE THAT A TALENTED PRODUCER/DIRECTOR/FILM MAKER WOULD SPOT THE STORY'S POTENTIAL AND WANT TO WORK WITH ME ON IT?

Thanks guys, for your fantastic comments!

Gary (rolo)


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 85
the goose
Posted: June 29th, 2013, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Yippie-kay-ay.

Location
London
Posts
297
Posts Per Day
0.04
It definitely is a piece to be proud of - that's for sure. Perhaps could do with a few more re-writes but there's nothing about it that majorly lets it down.

The only thing that might ruin the ending for some is that audiences nowadays are so cynical that they expect a 'twist' ending more than they do a normal one.

However, I think you should look for a production group in your area - have a word with them and see if you share the same vision of how your idea should be translated to film. Because its a driven plot with limited characters - and as you say a 'microbudget' so the chances are they'd love this sort of thing.

Low-budget horrors, like this, which rely more on plot and suspense than gore and zombies often do really well at festivals etc. Just something for you to bear in mind.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 85
rolo
Posted: June 29th, 2013, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
136
Posts Per Day
0.03
@ the goose - Thanks for the suggestions/advice will definitely look into this!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 85
Guest
Posted: July 1st, 2013, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.14
Rolo,

I think you really have something here, man.  Major props.  Good job!  One thing I want to say:  if you ever get this off the ground, you better make sure it's done under your terms and conditions, or raise the money to do it yourself.  Since pretty much your entire script takes place in a bedroom, it shouldn't be that difficult.  I say this because I can see Offline being a terrible, terrible movie in the wrong hands.  Like, a really, really shitty, ultra low-budget straight-to-video flick with God-awful actors.  Something I would probably try watching only to turn it off about 10 minutes in.  You have something here, I think, and you should be real careful how you handle it.

That said, for a script that's set about 85 pages mostly in a bedroom, I think you did a really good job with it all.  Not once was I bored.  Nothing ever lagged for me.  In fact, I found myself extremely engaged with Dave and Debbie, and was on the edge of my seat most of the time.  Dave is an extremely likeable guy and I was rooting for him the whole way to solve Debbie's murder.

Your writing is tight, and the lack of slugs makes it tighter.  I liked how you just simply used minis like "NIGHT" or "DAY" or "LATER" to tell us where we were at, and I think it works because we're never switching locations.  We're essentially in Dave's bedroom the whole entire time.  I can see how some readers would be against it, and I'm not telling you to do it, but I didn't mind it here.

Not much else to say.  Good stuff.  

I highly recommend to others!!  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 85
rolo
Posted: July 2nd, 2013, 4:59am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
136
Posts Per Day
0.03
@ reaper550 - Wow! What can I say? What a fantastic review!! Makes me truly humble.

Also, thanks for the great advice! - Something I will definitely take on board (if it ever gets filmed of course) is ensure "it's done under my terms and conditions"! I'd absolutely hate to see it done badly with God-awful actors!

Thank you so much for the read and for recommending Offline! Much appreciated!

cheers

rolo

P.S. Happy to return the read - let me know if you'd like me to read something of yours?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 85
rolo
Posted: July 23rd, 2013, 8:59am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
136
Posts Per Day
0.03
This might seem a strange request but could some of the folks who've contacted me privately saying how much they've enjoyed the script possibly leave a comment or two on the discussion board about it?

Trying to drum up as much interest as possible in OFFLINE - So would be great if those folks could share their thoughts on it for everyone to see!

cheers

rolo
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 85
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006