Insta-Genie by Lou Lou - Short, Comedy - When a shy computer geek meets a digital cupid, he learns that getting what he wants isn't as hard as it seems. 7 pages - pdf, format

I like the concept. I think it has the potential to become a cute and even enduring little short, and it seems like that's what you were striving for with this. This draft isn't quite there.

It's rushed, and we don't get to know the characters well enough for it to be cute. The Insta-Genie himself seems like an after thought in the script and doesn't actually do very much. A lot of his "input" doesn't really even seem that helpful.

My advice would be to revise this a few times. Establish what the relationship is between the boy and girl. Their pursuit of each other needs to be expanded a bit, and the Insta-Genie's input into their actions needs to be far more essential.

On a more technical level, some of your descriptions are inappropriate for a screenplay. "She's beautiful but doesn't know it" is impossible to visually communicate. While this is certainly a helpful characteristic for you to know, it is up to you as a writer to use her actions and dialogue in the script to communicate that shy/humble personality to the audience. Show don't tell.

I'm honestly not trying to be harsh at all. I think the idea is a good one, and the execution of it is a step in the right direction. As I said, this draft just isn't quite there yet. It can be, though.

I would encourage you to not let this be the final draft. Don't settle on this one or be satisfied with where it's at, because this really is a good concept, the potential of which I do not believe you have fully exploited. You're on the right track, and I think if you do a little more work on it, you'll have a cute, easy-to-film script that someone will definitely wanna produce.

Cheers

Hey Lou Lou...listen, I hate being harsh, but I also hate reading scripts that look like they haven't been edited a single time.  Just no excuse for this at all.

You start off incorrectly labeling page 1 as Page 2, when in reality, Page 1 should not actually be labeled.  You don't have a FADE IN.  You start your opening passage with a sound, but you need to understand that in a filmed version, unless you're over black, we'll see something right off the bat.  And...you end the opening passage in an orphan.

Early on there is a complete lack of what I'd call focus.  This is a short - you need to get to the point and get rid of anything that has no reason being there - like Dewy's online gaming.

I actually finished but I really don't get what I read.  What is this insta genie thing?  Who's behind it?  It can't be Ally and it's obviously not Dewy, so what's the deal?

Finally, for this to work, you need to write some better characters, IMO.  Neither Dewy or Ally has anything going for them to make them likable or memorable.  Dewy sounds like a complete dweeb and Ally has the personality of a pet rock.  To top it off, Dewy doesn't sound remotely attractive and he's 40 years old, while Ally is only 26.  Dating in the office is heavily frowned upon, especially when on e of the 2 is a "superior", like Dewy is supposed to be.

Sorry, doesn't work for me and appears to be quickly thrown together without much thought.

Hey thanks Elmer! I am great with "ideas" but rewriting objectively and seeing those flaws I struggle-- big time. (That's writing right?!).

I loved your feedback. thank you for the encouragement! I agree that Insta-Genie isn't really contributing a whole lot to the lovers relationship. The next draft I think I'll include more info on the status of the relationship ATM, (Dewy & Ally have been on a couple of dates- but Dewy wants to call it a day because of his commitment issues) and figure out a way to get Insta-Genie to intervene and change the dynamic.

I appreciate those pointers, Dreamscale (formatting/exposition/characters).

Insta-Genie is an App that grants the wishes you are too scared to ask for/admit you want. In this way Dewy is unattractive, and insecure about attractive women. He wants Ally but is too scared to admit that to himself. Ally is a naive, attractive girl whose promiscuous ways lead to Dewy (who to her seems attractive simply because he acts like he doesn't want her). Insta-Genie's job is to stop him from getting in his own way.

I'll have to look into the Page Numbers thing. I've just started using Scrivener and I didn't realise it did that.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Opinions are excellent learning curbs.

Loulou, I was probably a little harsh in tone in what I said.  I apologize for that.

I still don't quite understand all you said in your reply, though.  Insta Genie is not a real product, right?  Did we ever hear anything about it in the script to let us know what it is?  Did we ever get the backstory of the 2 characters?  I don't recall.

Glad to see you responding and posting your work as well.  That's cool.  Jump in on some other threads and get involved, if you can.

Take care.

No problems. Insta Genie is an Application you can download from the internet. He's not a marketing product, he is digital and autonomous. He has his own consciousness and is very much like a magic genie.

I definitely need to include some clarity around the rules of his existence in the first scene.

I liked this short and I wanted more, which means for me it was working but I did feel cheated. There wasn't enough. As has been stated above I need to know more about the Insta Genie and more about the two characters for this story to flow better.

I did enjoy the onscreen gaming shenanigans. It reminds me of my day job in the office where people are pretending to work and are either surfing or playing games all the time so I did smile at that.

Keep it up, flesh this out a bit and see how it pans out.

Hi Loulou,

I thought this was okay. I liked the basic concept and the title. I think genies are well-suited for shorts as they propose a simple premise that can be drawn out as long or as short as the writer pleases.

That said, I think the execution is weak. The setup is so simple and yet it seems to drag on way longer than necessary. There's a lot of attention to the video game Dewey is playing. It's too much and every time you make reference to the game, you write ON THE MONITOR and BACK TO DEWEY, which takes up huge blocks on the page usually just for one sentence that mentions something insignificant. This is unnecessary, wasteful, and needs to be scaled back. Outside of these inserts, you mention the screen three times. Again, scale it back.

There's too much stalling with Ally revealing her ulterior motive. I honestly don't think she even need make mention of having an ulterior motive, especially if getting into his office was as simple as bringing him a cup of coffee and or documents. If he was closed off and she had to come to him with something important, it'd make sense but I'm not sure if even that would work. I'd cut mention of ulterior motives altogether and just have her get to the point. I mean, she's only in the room two seconds before she says "ulterior motive." It's weird.

And why would she bring him coffee AND a stack of documents if all she wants is to ask him on a date? I would think one rouse would be sufficient but again, is a rouse even necessary? It seems the second one is only intended to reveal that Dewey is important somehow. Jeff mentioned his reservations to that idea already so I won't repeat it.

On top of that, there's a lot of unnecessary descriptions and wordiness that can be tightened up and save you some space. Ideally, a page or two.

The ending didn't work for me at all. First of all, why would Ally wait a whole hour for this guy? He doesn't seem worth the time or at least you've given us nothing to believe that he is. On the contrary, actually. Why this girl would take the slightest interest in a schlub like him, I don't know. I mean, maybe if he showed a little interest in her early on, MAYBE you could tweak it to your advantage. But as a big boss who's in his 40s, plays video games at work, and doesn't seem to have the slightest interest in younger supposedly beautiful woman who's obviously interested in him... yeah, don't buy it at all. Even as an unlikeable character, it'd be more likely that he'd be a creep who takes advantage of this girl.

But regardless, why is she still here? At this point, it'd be obvious she's been stood up.

But I digress. The payoff is just weak overall. Either I didn't get it or I did and it's not funny, clever, or whatever it's supposed to be. Okay. Ally talks to Insta-Genie too. You need more.

I think this could easily be improved. Again, the premise is fine and you could do a lot with it. But the issues here are glaring to say the least. Your pacing would be chief amongst them. Again, your set up takes way too long and is a drag to get through. Fix that first and foremost and try to work on improving the character dynamics and figure out a better payoff. Hope this helps.

Lou Lou, I've got to agree with comments here.

I liked the concept but the story itself was a little poorly done.  There's too much waffling in the office and then too little in the restaurant.  Also I didn't know what Insta-Genie was but now I get you're saying it's an application.

I agree that this could be easily improved and should be.  I would like a little more emphasis on the characters as at the minute I don't feel we know them at all.  Why is Dewy a loner and why is Ally drawn to him?  This would make the story much stronger; we need to care about the characters, even in a short.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the fantastic comments guys.  

Thinking about character investment, I intended to set Dewy up as a IT geek who suffers form severe under confidence with women. With this sort of set up, I suppose the pay off is diminished since Insta Genie does most of the work for Dewy.

Quoted from Loulou Thinking about character investment, I intended to set Dewy up as a IT geek who suffers form severe under confidence with women.

I didn't get this sense from the character at all. It seems more like in the first scene, he just flat out ignores her/brushes her off. Obviously not what you had in mind. I'd work on this.

Hi Lou Lou, I'm probably just rehashing whats already been pointed out here but it starts out as a nice idea that doesn't really go anywhere from there.

The characters definitely need more development. Dewy comes off as a bit of an ass and I was left wondering why he deserves another date with the seemingly sweet Ally? Surely Insta-Genie could find her a better match?

I was also left confused by the whole Insta-Genie concept, perhaps keep it as a self aware app rather than this omnipotent computer programme living in all digital devices, on a side note you've probably got the makings of a decent Terminator sequel in there, joking!

I think you need to move the story a long quicker in the office and focus more on the date, showcasing the shy and nervous nature of your main characters and how the Insta-Genie programme helps them overcome those obstacles.

Anyway, just my two cents, as I said, it was a nice idea and I think with a few re-writes you'll have yourself a very decent short that I will look forward to reading!

Good Luck

Louise

Technically, the writing is fine, lots of white space, the read was quick and direct.

Sorty-wise however I was left unsatisfied.

“SUPER: INSTA-GENIE”

Funny seeing the script’s title card two thirds through the piece. Could it not come earlier?

DEWY
(checks his watch)
We said eight o'clock.

ALLY
Seven.

- Really? You’re telling us she waited a whole hour for him?

While I appreciate that the hi-concept quality of an Insta-Genie as a novel idea (Hollywood loves trying to expand these into 90 minutes), and it has potential to be something interesting while throwing up amusing situations…you didn’t really do much with it here.

I know it’s hard to “do much” with only 6 pages but as its written; the titular Insta Genie just miraculously appearing on Dewy’s computer screen dispensing relationship advice with no indication how this came to be and Dewy readily following its tips without question too, feels like a missed opportunity.

The dialogue, to your credit, its quick fire and fluid, the sniping couple’s back and forth was amusing but unfortunately the pay off was a letdown, its weak. Not so much as a standalone scene as it could work as a surprising reveal, but because the build up to that conclusion doesn’t tell us much about the nature of the Insta Genie, is it an app or whatever, thus it’s hard to engage with the situation.

Also, Dewy was a bit of a prick, Ally a little more rounded, or at least likeable.

You may think I’m taking it too seriously but I do see as nothing more than a frivolous skit/sketch but even gags like that need to be set-up properly in order for the punchline/pay-off to be satisfying.

Again, I realise this is only 6 pages, there’s not a lot one can fit in which is why I think this idea would be given greater room to breathe while not outstaying his welcome as a 10-15 pager. That way you could get more into the Insta-Genie and its rules as well as developing Dewy and Ally’s characterisation and play confrontations off of them.
Just a suggestion.

Oh and why is a virtual relationship guru called a genie?

Col.