The World of Organic Chemistry by Divij Kak - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Sick of being bullied in school, Ralph Thompson, a chemistry student vows to teach his tormentors a valuable lesson they may not survive. 64 pages

contest: Finalist in 2017 Industry Boost Competition in Miami, FL. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Divij-

Dude, I apologize for being so direct, but I couldn't get past page 2. Aside from the easily fixable things that you'll learn over time, like format, length of logline, typos, page numbering, and  extraneous info (sources?), the dialogue was so over the top on the nose that it actually made me laugh. I'm sorry, but it read that funny, which I'm certain wasn't your intention.

I think you'll need to read some more scripts to at least get the hang of showing, not telling.

Best of luck with it.

-Rich

I couldn't get past the logline--way too long and convoluted.  Here's what I would have written instead:

"Sick of being bullied at school, Ralph devises a macabre plan to teach the bullies a lesson they'll never forget."

You don't need to get into the specifics of what the plan is, how it happens or where it happens.   The short blurb I wrote should peak your curiosity enough that you want to read what he does, why he does it and how he does it.  Keep the logline simple then show us more in the script itself.

Best of luck,

Gary

Another issue for me is the page count... 58 pages is very long for a short. Most people on these boards read shorts because, well, they're short, and don't take much time to read. However, at 58 pages, this is far nearer the length of a feature. Maybe expand it slightly and get a feature out of it?

And on another note, you have a character called Seth Green. Is this Seth Green, as in the actor? Or just a character with the same name as his?

SimplyScripts is a great place to learn the craft of scriptwriting. Read and comment on as much as you can of the scripts posted here because, as everyone on here will affirm, this will help your writing tremendously.

All the best.

    Thanks a lot guys for all your advice. Toby_E, "The World of Organic Chemistry" is a  
  feature. It is much longer than a short although it is not 90 pages, the standard length of
  a feature. I am working on the final draft. Seth Green is a character and not the actor.    
He is one of the six bullies who gets trapped in Ralph Thompson's 'Cave of Death'.
    
   - Divij Kak