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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evolution Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 21st, 2013, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evolution by Praneel Nand - Short, Drama - Sammy is held against his will inside a government facility, his unique abilities leave much to be gained as his psychologist tries to unwrap the enigma which is him. But a fateful day sees the tables turned and no one seen it coming. 13 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 20th, 2013, 8:16pm
revised draft
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JamesMcCormick
Posted: June 22nd, 2013, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi Praneel,

I enjoyed this, felt like it could have been a scene from an Xmen movie, introducing a new super villain.

I liked the simple description in the opening, which nevertheless painted the scene clearly and I was hooked from page one.
There was one line though that didnít read right to me,
ďA heavy steel door unlocks, it groans as the door gives way.Ē
You might want to rewrite this line.

I also noticed another typo on page 8  where you miss off a ďtĒ  (and he other)

On the same page you repeat Sammyís name three times in succession:
Sammy cocks back and slams his own head into the table.
Sammy straightens himself out and looks at Dr. Lettle
A few moments later blood streams down the doctors face,
while Sammy is left unscathed.
I found this interrupted the flow of my reading because it had a jarring effect on me.

I felt though that you could have made a lot more of the ending. If you made Sammy a more humane character and the decision for him to kill all those men that much more difficult you could add emotional depth to the story and could also show some character development (albeit negative), a rare thing in a short script. I personally would have liked to see him agonise a little; undergo a moral dilemma before he chooses his dark path.
All the best

James
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PraneelNand
Posted: June 29th, 2013, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

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Hi James,

Thanks for the input I really appreciate it. I went back and re read the lines, your right it does seem a little odd for me to use Sammy's name in succession.

About the ending, I think Sammy was really fed up at that point by being locked up without trial and he was at the end of his rope, his hasty decision to kill the soilders stems from his fear of being put back into the facility and he knows there are more soldiers on their way.

I just wanted to say I really tried to come up with an original super power and was fed up with the usual powers being recycled time and time again.

Thanks for the read and I hope you can give me more advice in the future.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 1st, 2013, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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The story is a well-trodden one but that isnít necessarily a bad thing. Iíve read many stories about guys with similar powers over the years, the key is to give the tale your own twist.

You partially do this but itís not enough in my opinion and the difference is squandered. You set up a great restriction on the guys power; he can only exploit previous injuries. This sets up tension, conflict and problems for him to solve.

Unfortunately you then  jump to him becoming godlike too quickly. Itís like the whole of Chronicle in a few minutes. I would suggest he simply makes the evolutionary leap from physical to mental injuries as his means to finally escape.

Now with the script itself I have a couple of suggestions. The dialogue seems clunky in parts. Iíd suggest reading it out loud or having someone read it to you. Itís easier to hear where the dialogue doesnít seem natural this way. Reading dialogue is tricky and sometimes it Ďreadsí ok but sounds off.

The other issue is you make several statements in the script we cannot visualise. For example: ďSammy shrugs and continues to dig out his moat, hoping to complete it before the enemies storm the front gates.Ē

We canít see that Sammy is hoping to complete it before the enemies storm the gates. That may help the actor but thatís the job of the Director, the script is supposed to describe what we can actually see, as it happens.

I hope the above helps.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PraneelNand
Posted: July 1st, 2013, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

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Hey mark,

Thanks for the feedback much appreciated. Just wondering if you could elaborate on which lines sound "clunky" are you talking about the whole script, or parts, or a specific line?

Any feedback on that would be a help.

Thanks
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SilvaSly104
Posted: July 5th, 2013, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Praneel

I really enjoyed reading this script. One of the commenters mentioned it felt like something out of the X-men world...I completely agree...and already imagined if someone like this would be a very good villain for live action movies.

I do have to admit, I was let down by the ending...at one point in the story...

**SPOILER ALERT**

...he asks the doctor who runs the facility...I see no point in including that bit if he just ends up walking off into the sunset, with no resolution other than him mindlessly killing off 50 soldiers. I would definitely recommend expanding on this story a little bit more.

Otherwise, great work. Had me captivated from start to finish. Keep it up

-Silva Sly-
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