Outbreak by Nikhil Thomas - Short, Action, Adventure - In a city hit by a virus outbreak, a group of people try everything to survive and live on. 12 pages - pdf, format

Hi Nikhil,

I’m guessing you’re not a native speaker. There are some sentences that make this fact glaringly obvious. For example, “gathering up all the energy that his body could provide he drags along”

Your syntax, lexis and punctuation all need considerable work. I’d recommend getting some help proof reading this. Some areas I’d start with are your front loading of subordinate clauses and overuse of adjectives and adverbs.  You also need to look at your use of the small case “i” for the first person pronoun and lack of commas when using contractions.

Language aside though I have to be honest and say this didn’t really hook me. You need some visual hook when introducing the protagonist/s. Telling us that Kent and Jane are our hero and heroine isn’t enough and takes us out of the story. I’m afraid I didn’t get past page seven. If it had been a shorter piece I might have ploughed through but at forty something pages I just couldn’t could read any further.

I’m really very sorry for the negative review – I’d be more than happy to read a revised version or even a treatment/synopsis of this and give you my thoughts.

Best of luck

Jimbo

Hey Nikhil,

Get rid of Scene 1 at the top of the first page. No need for that. Instead use FADE IN to start the script. Also you have EXT. PRESENT DAY - DESERT - NIGHT for the first slug. Normally you would see --

EXT. DESERT - NIGHT

SUPER: PRESENT DAY

-- as the way it's supposed to be written. Quite a bit of passive writing throughout. Instead of walk(ing) use he or she walks.

Hope that helps -

- Dirk