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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Finding Eden - OWC
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  Author    Finding Eden - OWC  (currently 3339 views)
Don
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Finding Eden by B - Short - When they awaken in the Rocky Mountains, Adam and Eve must find their way back to Eden and set right the mistake they made before humanity pays the price.  - pdf, format


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Heretic
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thoughts:

Eve's line "Oh my god" bumps me. I think it's because it sounds modern. Also, might want to have her say something about Adam...or will we understand who they are just because Adam says "Eve"?

Don't like that we cut right to the tree and don't get to see them re-united. I was waiting to see them meet because I felt like that would reveal a lot about the premise/relationship, but we just skip that.

The new take on the apple scene -- Adam just calmly eats it, then Eve does -- seems arbitrary to me. If you're going to change a very familiar story, it's nice to see the reason behind it. I think what I wanted was a sense of Adam and Eve's feelings towards the apple. We don't really have a sense of their motivation yet.

Really enjoying all the violence against children, by the way. Always need more of that

Thoughts:

Yeah I liked this one. Great first read for the OWC. The primary thing I took from this that I really enjoyed was the way tasting from the Tree reversed the human/nature relationship -- at the beginning, they're torn apart repeatedly, destroyed, conquered by nature; after tasting the apple, they return as conquerors, tyrants of nature. For me it relates very closely to Daniel Quinn's book Ishmael, which posits the Adam and Eve story as a myth about the real fall -- our separation from nature resulting from our technological efforts to conquer it.

Unless I misread that, the powers came from the skeleton, and I made everything up.

I think the imagery is pretty great and this could definitely work as a mid-budget short if the standard for special effects was set reasonably -- though the animals might be tricky.

There's some lack of clarity here -- the major one for me was Adam's choice to set things "right"...I don't know how he did that? The fact that biting the apple again produced the opposite effect confused me. It was just kind of a binary push-button thing, eh? On/off? I think that was the major failure near the end there -- I didn't understand how the apple worked so the stakes weren't really clear. The ending, for me, could definitely have been fleshed out a bit, as could have Lucifer's intentions.

But I've been transcribing dialogue for six hours, so maybe I'm dumb right now. Look forward to hearing from the author on this one.
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NickSedario
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't too keen on this one at all. I think for the most part, the disjointed writing style really got in the way of me getting into the story.  You might wanna work on that.  Storywise, it was a huge undertaking, but still.  

Sorry, I don't have much else to say about it.
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J.S.
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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“Leaves descend around the limp body of -- ADAM, 11,
white, not-yet a high school student, beaten and
bloodied on the ground.”

-     Not even a mild description of what he’s wearing?

“His eyes burst open. Pupils dilate. Brow furrows.
Eyes squint. He coughs.”

-      Honestly, this series of actions makes him appear to be in my mind like he’s wolverine or something.

“A fox lurks in the bush.”

-     What bush?

“would-be a beautiful young woman”

-     A would-be beautiful young woman? You might want to try for a better description as this is so general I could imagine about ten different things that could be “A would-be beautiful young woman”. Also, no visual description of her at all? Body type, hair color, dress? I suppose the rather subjective description of “a would-be beautiful young woman” is supposed to account for that.

“Insects crawl out of the cracks in the walls.”

-     What walls?

“Spiders descend.”

-     What are they descending from?

“Eve watches as the snake ingests the fox whole.
EVE
Oh my god.”

-     I can’t tell if this is to be taken seriously or not, but I find it hilarious.

“Snakes descend all around her.”

-     Are they descending from trees?

“Runs. Trips on a branch. Tumbles down a hill.”

-     You have to be kidding me if this is not suppose to be funny.

“Eve slams into a river stream. Water splashes. Blood
flows from her head.”

-     This too. Perhaps you didn't intend this to be funny, but the way you wrote it is causing me to imagine some acute slapstick

“Adam tumbles into a swamp.”

-     Haha…This is too damn funny.

“Eve grips her head. Groans in pain. Pushes ahead.
Stops at the edge. Looks down at a long waterfall drop
into a rocky ravine.”

-     This should be broken up some.

“It strikes. Wraps around her. Opens its jaw.”

-     Reword. I’m very confused about all of this action. It needs to be broken up, and there’s too much action on the anaconda and not enough on its consequences. What is happening to Eve while it strikes, wraps around her, and opens its jaw? Is this all suppose to be fast cuts of close ups of the anaconda only?

“Adam falls to his knees. Looks around. An ALLIGATOR
strikes. Grabs his leg. Rips it off. Adam SCREAMS in
pain. Alligator drags him into the swamp.”

-     Haha….Holy cow!

“Climbs into a tree.”

-     Into a tree or onto a tree?

“Separate them. Hands part.
Fingers slip away.”

-     Were they holding hands?

“Makes her way forward. Stops. Gazes at the mountains. Eyes squint.”
-     Really?

“RIVER STREAM”

-     I have heard of a river. And I have heard of a stream. I have never heard of a river stream.

“EXT. PATHWAY - NIGHT
Stone columns sit either side of a mossy pathway.”

-     I’m confused as to where she’s located. Are there trees around her?

“Adam stares at a doorway. He presses his palm against
it. Veins of light ride up. CRACK.”

-     Brake this up. Everything happens at lightning speed!

“Eden burns.”

-     Eve?

“EXT. THE TREE OF LIFE - DAY
The snake wraps around the branch. The apple lies
rotten on the ground.”

- What is the snake doing on the tree of life? Should it not be on the tree of knowledge?

“Adam and Eve hold up
their hands.”

-     Is this a different Adam and Eve?
“Eve scans the area.”

These guys have done so much scanning thus far they’re going to need a new scanner sooner or later, I’m tellin’ ya.

The writing is more compact than a Smart Car. It’s a must that it be broken up because otherwise, it cuts way too quickly from one action to the other. The action felt like it needed a bit more description around it, for me anyway, as I was disoriented every now and then. But I would submit that it must be written this way to achieve a fast-paced action-y execution. At times, it worked.
Story wise, it was okay. I laughed every time they died
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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I promise - no peaking at the previous comment. Actually that's going to be my way for all these OWC

Before i read, I quite like the title and idea. Will be interested to see where this goes.

Ooh, early on this is is clipped writing. In a few lines I wonder whether this will be too much - lets see
P2 - this is interesting. It is close to the most abriverated writing I have experienced, which should mean it is lean, easy to read and powers on- yet I find it very difficult to read. Maybe the pro's would see it differently. I find it hard to focus.

I will have a guess at the writer of this???

The dates stay the same at first, then the third changes - would you pick that up if you were watching - why? Lets see

P6 - by now I am tired of these rapid changes, intercuts which disrupt the story. To be honest I am finding it difficult to find a story other than they both struggle with the jungle, the big bad word tht surrounds.
Actually I find it hard to remember what they are doing

P7 why is Eden burning?

Finished.

Ok, this is different, in a away. Not exactly in July 2013, can't see the R rating, and hold on, where's the boy??

She makes a choice in the end, to have imperfection to allow choice. If I read that correctly. I like that. Couldn't you have made it more interesting,more of a story?

Not for me, but I increasingly respect those who step up for an OWC

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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stevie
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Groan...I cracked this to be the first one I read. Apologies to the writer but its written in the staccato, clipped way that I loathe, lol

But I vowed to read and comment on every script so will.  Be back later

Ok, have read it. I really like the concept the writer was aiming for, I really do. But it sort of got out of his control by the looks. It went on a fair bit to long. The visual imagery was pretty cool. And the terse two word sentences did fade off in the second half which was good.

Well done for entering a pretty tough challenge.

Please note: I very rarely give long detailed reviews so to all the writers out there, especially any newbies, don't feel I am selling you short with comments. The regs understand that. There's plenty of perps who love getting onto the full on reviews

Any one who wants any extra feedback on their script, feel free to PM me!

Cheers stevie



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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This was a bizarre twist on the most definitive choice ever made.  I wish I knew you guys better, because I think it would be fun to try and guess who wrote it based on the style in which it was written.  I'd like to think the style here is intentional, I pictured really snappy shots over a eerie instrumental.  

It's a miss for me on your depiction of Lucifer, but that open to everyone's interpretation.  A lot of great stories have come from humanity's attempts to deceive the master deceiver.  A deception of that magnitude would have to be mind blowing, but maybe I'm missing something myself here.  I'd like to know more about this entry for sure. Great work!

Johnny
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LC
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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I actually found this a bit tedious to read despite your economy of style, sorry to say. And at first I thought you'd posted a repeat page, which I know you didn't.

I can't help thinking this may have worked better with a smoother voice i.e. not quite so broken up but I can appreciate if you did this style either to put people of your usual style, or as an experiment, or perhaps this is your usual style. Either way it really doesn't work for me in terms of evoking images and character.

Curious as well as to why you mention in description that these characters are 'white'  - it actually made me think that your re-telling of the Garden of Eden might have made more of an impact if one of your characters was indeed 'black' or 'hispanic' or 'Chinese'   Unless it's integral to the story why choose to include the 'white'?

This warmed up for me towards the end when finally there's a real exchange of dialogue - a few awkward phrasings, but overall at least I was finally let into some character interaction. It's def. a nice try and something different for this challenge.

Locale: hmm well, once you get past the Garden of Eden and its re-imagining in the PacificNorthWest perhaps. Definitely losts of wildlife.

Rrating: yep, plenty of gore happening here.

The setting is definitely outdoors.
And, then theme can be interpreted as fitting the bill as well.

The idea was good, just not convinced that the execution played out that well.

Libby



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nawazm11
Posted: July 13th, 2013, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Another Adam and Eve script. Let's see how it goes.

It may just be me but the margins on the first page seem to be off. If I copy your paragraphs across to my software, I can add extra words.

Reading on, I might know who wrote this.

Anyway, onto the script.

"not-yet a high school student" What a strange description, not sure what this means exactly, is it meant to be taken in the literal sense? Reading on, I suppose it makes a little more sense.

Finished, you don't need the roll credits line.

I liked this actually, I thought it showcased a lot of potential talent. This had a certain style and the whole thing worked. I think it's one of those scripts where you either like it, or you don't. I personally don't hate the Staccato writing style, I think it's fine if the writer prefers it that way. Not a bad piece by any means, it was fun and enjoyable.

Grade: B
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Man, I've read two scripts so far in this contest, and I'm not connecting with either so far.  The writing style here is very disjointed, very clipped.  This may be personal to the writer and others may find this compact style of writing compelling, but it's not for me.

I just had way too many questions about the story--

There are swamps and anacondas in the Pacific Northwest?  And Mayan temples? I don't think so. I guess it's done for the story, but it just kind of rang hollow for me.

"not-yet a high school student."  Of course not.  She's only 11.  It'll be 4-5 years before she's a high school student.

So 11 year old kids keep getting killed, they come back to life in the same place, and Lucifer says he keeps doing that so they'll ultimately learn they can't change things.  Why keep bringing them back to life? Why not just kill them off completely and be done with them?

How is an 11 year old girl running with a broken ankle?  Just curious. Of course she trips over a tree branch.  Standard action cliche.  Every episode of "Lost" had something like this.

I'm not sure what the miraculous discovery is here.  Is it when Adam comes across the plane?  Is it Eve when she comes across the Mayan temple?  How do these things change the course of mankind?   I must have missed something in this story.

Doesn't feel like it's a story set in 2013.  Couldn't really picture it in the Pacific Northwest either with all the anacondas and Mayan Temples and so on.

Sorry it wasn't for me, but good luck in the contest.

Grade: C

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Decent little story here. The writing was annoying, but easily fixed if you just don't overuse staccato writing and then check some of your descriptions that sounded 'off'. I liked the end of the story.

Good job.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to get through this one.  As others have brought up, the writing "style" here is a mess and very hard to read, visualize, and follow.

I stopped after Page 1.  Here's a few things that need attention:

The Slugs aren't good at all.  Starting with ROCKY MOUNTAINS and showing Adam, then going to FOREST just doesn't work.

The SUPER isn't necessary and comes off as if you're trying to check off the boxes of the challenge.  Although technically the Pacific Northwest, it sure doesn't feel like it.

The ratatatat staccato writing isn't working at all, as written.  Your passages are not remotely broken up properly.

"Coughs up a lung." - What the...?????

The Adam and Eve thing is so overused and IMO, just doesn't remotely work in a challenge such as this, but since I only read 1 page, I can't be sure.

Thanks for entering.
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irish eyes
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad entry, not too sure if it fills in all the parameters though.

I read it all the way through and thought it flowed pretty easy.

I liked how you played the Adam and Eve scene, by page 6 Adam had super powers woooo

Overall a nice effort for me

Well done for finishing the OWC

Mark


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I didn't have a problem with the writing but more with the story. Sadly it was a WTF is going on here. I thought it was going to be "we gotta stop this timeloop storyline". But then it changed into something that I didn't quite understand.

I think you tried to explain too much. It happens to the best of us.

Hope this helps,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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DanBall
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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This was confusing for a few reasons. I couldn't figure out why things kept repeating at first. Later, I discovered it was Lucifer's doing. If Lucifer can control life and time, how could he be destroyed by "The Glow"? (Yes, that's a ref to The Last Dragon.)

This also doesn't seem like July 2013. The only thing that's July 2013 about it is the downed airplane. Why's there an absence of other people and technology? Is this an alternate/post-apocalyptic July 2013? If it is, then that makes more sense why Adam and Eve are like the first people--again. But it's not immediately apparent, since there's nothing said about it. If it's not alt-2013, then the Adam and Eve concept falls apart, since they won't be the first/only people around. If they are, then it's not really July 2013, whether your supers say it or not.

The geography's off, too. Before reading Wikipedia, I wouldn't have considered the Rockies to be part of the Pacific Northwest. The terrain's just not the same. The Rockies are just mountains, snow/ice, and pine trees for the most part. Eastern Washington and Oregon are more or less desert, but they count as Pacific Northwest because they're in states that are predominantly rainforest, which is what characterizes the Pacific Northwest. You would've been better off to use the Cascade Mountains. As for Mayan temples, those are WAY south of the PNW. The best Indigenous dwellings to use in July 2013 would be casinos.

I think I've got a problem with Michael's speech at the end, too. God created Man for His own delight. He wouldn't want Adam to kill himself and end humanity in order to purify Creation. If things were gonna end so easily, why would God have created Man in the first place? Sure, your way's more dramatic, but it doesn't jibe with the same tradition you're building upon. If anything, God would find a way to redeem humanity. According to Christian belief, that's why Christ was sent. Michael most certainly wouldn't have said "This will not end well." It's okay if you want to shrug off all of that, but you need to establish that you're doing something different so people aren't holding your story to the same rules as tradition.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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