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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Cape Disappointment - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    Cape Disappointment - OWC  (currently 2430 views)
Don
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cape Disappointment by A - Short, Fantasy - On vacation, a boy must choose between his family and ushering in a new era for humanity. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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pale yellow
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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OH Lord...this was a really good story until the end. LOL


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crookedowl
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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*** SPOILERS! ***

Another entry? I thought that was all of 'em. And since the author's name is A, is this really the first entry?

Anyway, this one was good. The characters were entertaining, but it got a bit less interesting when the giants showed up. It got a little too unbelievable too quickly, but I guess that makes sense given the ending.

I have mixed feelings about the ending. In some ways, it's good, and pretty funny. But at the same time, it means the rest of the script doesn't matter because it was all just a dream. It's almost like you ran out of time and slapped something on to finish it. Doesn't really fit the tone of the rest, either.

There's not too much to say about this one. Others might catch some technical issues, but I'm just looking at it for the story.

Nice job with this one.

Will
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NickSedario
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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I got a kick out of this one.   Hat's off to the writer.  But Pale Yellow was right... "Oh Lord".  
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DV44
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Ha, ha. Loved the ending! Hey seriously, the #2 giants dialogue was a bit on the nose if you ask me. I kid, I kid.

Good stuff. You didn't really hit on the R rating but it was good regardless.

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

- Dirk
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LC
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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This one seems to have gotten lost in the crowd. C'mon guys!

Thought I'd read everything too. Anyway...

I was with you until the Giant turned up - that somehow felt out of place with the character of Cori.

A few awkward phrasings and turns of phrase, throughout...

'Two trees have natural alcoves in the trunk, where she goes to sleep
standing up.'

I don't know how we'd know this fact quite apart from you 'telling' us.

...and I cringed at the 'grinding' description towards the end. Also, a cheese factory? What every kid dreams of visiting, I imagine.  

Seems like you put quite a bit of effort into this one and maybe some research?

Overall it is quite convoluted but then that's what dreams (wet) ick! are made of I suppose.

Again, something different here... I'll say no more.  

Libby


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Don
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from crookedowl
*** SPOILERS! ***

I thought that was all of 'em. And since the author's name is A, is this really the first entry?


It got lost in the shuffle.

Don


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Heretic
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Ah haaaa...

As I go:

And a Simpsons joke to start us off...

Hahah the "cheese factory" line is perfect. Poor dads...

Man, these kids f***in' suck. Whale skeletons are the awesomest. Surely awesome enough to temporarily pique the interest of even the most technology-blasted child? Maybe not.

The joke that popped into my head here was:

"BEN
The girl in the fog. She was wearing clothes from like the 1960s or something."

^ Dunno. Just seemed to fit with the dynamic you've created here.

LOVE the description and imagination put into the Giant. Not sure about "fur and scales for skin" -- fur goes on skin, after all Really cool design, though.

I think the evolutionarily-confused Giant rubbing a small boy's blood all over a naked 19th century woman is my absolutely favourite moment of this entire challenge.

I guess maybe you don't have the space for it, but I wanted to see Ben be impressed with his man-body a bit. That's always one of the great moments in Big, 13 Going on 30, etc, the kid first trying to control the physicality of an adult. Those are sillier, of course, but some sense of that here could work, I think.

Thoughts:

...ran out of time?  

I laughed. I would actually laugh quite hard if I saw this in theatre, too. If some insane millionaire decided to film this for fun, I'd buy a ticket for sure.

I'm actually not dissatisfied by the ending in a story sense, really. Where else was that really going to go that would have been more interesting? May as well have Jennifer Lynched it, really.


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Somebody took a "giant" old piss here, huh?  Actually quite surprised at the fact that a bunch of peeps took a piss with their entry.

And it's too bad as the opening was quite funny and the dialogue well done.

Love the fact that the giants were the only thing that giants aren't - over 6 feet tall...really?  Wow, that's giant!  WTF?

Obviously not even intending on meeting the parameters here, but it is quite funny.

I assume these characters are from some Nintendo DS game?

Sorry...can't say great effort, as you didn't try and meet the challenge.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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nawazm11
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Page 5 - Major lack of clarity here with the writing, be a little more specific with who is who, use their names if you have to. This is about the fourth time in the script that I've seen something like this "The giant keeps walking, but ANOTHER GIANT, same features, grabs him." That makes me think the first Giant was grabbed since the focus of the sentence is on him. Writing needs a few fixes so far.

Page 6: I don't buy how easily this happens. I mean the kid just got two cuts on his chest - but he didn't do anything. Then, when a mythical giant offers him a woman that's supposedly from the 1800s, all he can muster up is "okay"? Totally does not work for me.

Page 7: Exposition sounds very very off, it's not handled well unfortunately.

Oh, come on, really? It was all a dream? That's all you have? Wow... Okay... You do realize nothing in the script mattered now so basically, I could've skimmed the whole read and we would've been at the same position as we were at the end. His discovery isn't miraculous nor does it have the power to change the world forever.

Edit: Felt I was a little harsh. I thought the ending was cute but definitely not how you want to go. Good luck if you choose to rewrite this.

Grade: D

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
nawazm11  -  July 18th, 2013, 10:08am
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trickyb
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Some really good things in this script, I didn't mind the ending - something different

Good work on entry

Michael


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing the writer is a fan of the simpsons. Not usually a fan of the "it's all a dream" gimmick but the pay off was funny. I don't know if six feet is a giant, maybe 16 feet. Other than the ending it was kinda "meh" for me. It was well written and amusing with the final reveal, but other than that it didn't really work for me. Still, good work on completing the challenge.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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I’m really torn on this one. It had potential but was spoiled by the ending YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO! Which is a pity because up to that point I was charmed by the weird, strange but kind of sweet story that was unfolding and I liked the imagery of the giant Indian things

Apart from that there’s some issues with the action. You need to focus on writing what the camera can see and how we can see it, not how the actors interpret the characters emotions at the time.  The action is littered with this, examples - “Eldon resents his son’s attitude” “Ben’s not amused.” We need an action to show resentment or lack of amusement.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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stevemiles
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, though I would say it felt rushed in places with some of the action, particularly during the giant’s ceremony, straying towards reading as an outline rather than a more concise sequence of visuals.

Not sure of the tone here.  Ben seems rather calm considering he’s been tied up by a giant, cut open and married off to a veritable ghost...  Though I guess given the ending...

And so the ending. Really?  My guess is you ran out of time, which is a shame cause with a little more work this one could have been a decent shot.  Especially as it seems you researched some of the giant’s terms from Chinook jargon.

I’d say this was pretty skookum overall and the ending gave me a laugh regardless.  I kind of sympathized with poor Ben...  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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ReneC
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue starts off okay but degenerates into on-the-nose territory when it comes to the father-son conflict. Half the script is about the family's boredom, we get it.

The writing's pretty good, I like the scene descriptions, got a real flavour for the locale. Good job on that stuff.

A giant over six-feet tall...can you call that a giant? Fantasy features aside, it's just an above average human height. Still, it got my attention, and the story finally begins. Ben has no reaction to being bound and cut, he just sits there. And why did they choose him? If Cori's been there for such a long time, what's so special about him?

The ending is a groaner. Fun bits that had me wondering, but not enough here to be a contender.


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