Mm, lot of copyright notices here... Watermarks? Really?
A simple "(c) 2013" on the title page will do. The gigantic watermark is distracting, and the lengthy copyright info on the title page is a little amateurish, to be honest.
Anyway, I tried to get through this one but there are a lot of errors here. No FADE IN, no time indicator on your slugline, and your character names aren't capped when they're first intro'd.
Another thing is that you tell instead of showing. Take your opening paragraph: "...on his way to Auckland for the night", "checks his phone to avoid social interaction". Since a screenplay is a blueprint for a movie, you have to keep in mind that everything you write is something that could be filmed. And there's no way to film half the things you mention in your opening paragraph.
In short -- show, don't tell. Only write things that can appear on the screen.
Keep action paragraphs at 4 lines. Or less, which is great. You've got a 14 line monster, and it made me want to stop reading on page 1.
Get rid of (CONTINUED) at the top and bottom of your pages. It's unnecessary.
And make sure you're capitalizing where you should. Noticed it in some of your dialogue.
Always end with "FADE OUT", right justified.
This one needs some work. Don't mean to sound harsh here.
Read some pro screenplays for a better idea of how it's done. Take care. |