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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tony TV Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 16th, 2013, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tony TV by James McCormick - Short - An unscrupulous journalist uncovers the secret of a health guru’s seemingly eternal youth but quickly realises he’d have been better off never knowing. 13 pages - pdf, format


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Nomad
Posted: August 16th, 2013, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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James,

A few notes as I go:


  • Pg. 2  "BARBARA (60), candy floss hair and pearls with her
    beauty troweled on strokes a small, dozing poodle in her lap."

    It took me a few tries to understand this description, and once I did, I liked it.  Unfortunately it took a couple times.  I'm from The States and we call it Cotton Candy here.  Then there's the matter of the comma placement.  It should be after "on".  As it reads now, Barbara's beauty is "troweled on strokes".
  • Pg. 2  "Any idea who that could be?"  This line of dialogue isn't needed.  A simple look from Barbara and a shrug from Tony would get the point across.  The dialogue doesn't sound natural either.
  • Pg. 3  (Looking at Tony)  These parentheses need to be on their own line.


I finished the script but it just didn't read smoothly for me.  I'll just chalk it up to cultural differences.

The story seemed forced toward the end, especially the exchange between Kemp and Barbara.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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stevemiles
Posted: August 18th, 2013, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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James,

SPOILERS.

I do like the idea, but I think you could work a little more tension/horror into the pay-off rather than jump to the final scene where we assume Kemp is now an android too.  It’s a lot of set-up, for a rather flat finish.

Writing wise you could cut down on your action lines without hurting the story.  Page 3 stands out in particular.  Here you break up every piece of dialogue with a line of action.  I can understand using this approach to interrupt large chunks of dialogue or if you’re trying to control the pace of a scene; but (IMO) if it’s a small character action/gesture not essential to the scene (or character nuance) then ask yourself what you stand to lose by taking it out.  Often it helps smooth the read and help for a more natural flow to the dialogue.  

Hope this helps.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Ugo
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hello James

so i am guessing Kemp is a robot...a nice twist

but you have way to many actions and your dialogue is to long...

Good luck with your Writing

Ugo


check out my scripts here....let me know what you think

https://www.dropbox.com/s/amkdn3svt5rernq/last%20hope.pdf?dl=0

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James A McCormick
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ugo, Steve, Jordan,

thanks for the feedback. Guess this one needs some reworking.

your comments are much appreciated

James
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