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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Breaking Butter Moderators: bert
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  Author    Breaking Butter  (currently 1894 views)
Don
Posted: August 25th, 2013, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Breaking Butter by Erika Whitmore - Short, Comedy - Apparently, the entire nation of Norway was suffering a butter shortage crisis. 5 pages - doc, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 28th, 2013, 5:08pm
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Josh
Posted: August 25th, 2013, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Before I start, it's probably best to upload your screenplay to a file hoster, like dropbox.

Overall, I thought it was clever. Taking a current event and incorporating it into a popular tv show, I could see it as an SNL or web skit. Unfortunately, here's the problem: this event isn't very "current" anymore. Of course, someone could pull this off as a stand-alone sketch, but this story is from 2011. Creating this a couple of years ago would have resonated with the times, and it would work out so much better. But I still hope it works out.

On page 2, you have this parenthetical going along with Olaf Lars Olafsen's first lines: (Taking one hand out of his black leather glove, revealing a grisly pointer finger, worn to a stump, which he casually uses to grind down the still glowing tobacco coals in his pipe before placing it back in his mouth. He then speaks with a heavy, whiny Norwegian accent). This should all be put in the character description before it, as the description is pretty thin: Olaf appears as though he were hewn from rock, a mountainous, immovable, unyielding man who’s legendary strength and fearlessness was as apparent as the battle-won scars across his weathered face.
Mostly abstract.

Although the concept is clever, this is a little light on jokes. I didn't think anything in particular was hilarious (Olaf's reaction to the lab butter was very funny, however). Just try to fit some more stuff in, that would help this piece immensely.

Also, instead of a word document, write your stuff in final draft or something like celtx. It'll always be formatted better and it would be professionally more appealing.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 26th, 2013, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Erika,

I'm going to put my eternal allegiance to Breaking Bad aside for the moment and talk about your work.

Your formatting parenthetically is incorrect, and makes the dialogue extremely difficult to trudge through.  Detach these from your dialogue and it will make for a better read.

You are an EXTREMELY TALENTED writer, with the creativity to match.  The way you described Olaf was one of the best character introductions I have ever read.   Line after line, I was amazed at how well you took a spoof and turned it into something quite remarkable.

Did I mention I have an eternal allegiance to Breaking Bad?

Your dialogue regarding Walt and Jessie was spot on, and I think the humor would translate on film well.  This is a well crafted fan fic, bravo!

I'm interested to hear from you and talk about this piece some more.  It's a bit dense for a script, but wonderful nonetheless.  Do you have any other works?  I wouldn't mind reading it at all.

"..and yo, like Swedish dude, or whatever, it spreads GREAT on MAD STACKS of toast too, yo!"

LOL!

Later,

Johnny
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LC
Posted: August 26th, 2013, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Intrigued to read this because of the ringing endorsement from Johnny, re character description, and because I'm another huge fan of BB, however I can't open this because of your word doc. and incompatibility.

To reiterate what Josh said, download Celtx or Trelby, both are free screenwriting apps. which'll make your script look Pro and will make writing a lot easier.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 26th, 2013, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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When I opened this in word doc. the background image seriously interfered with the read.  Strange, when I threw it on my iPad, it was barely noticeable.  That background image needs to go.  

Also, I noticed a couple mistakes in grammar, who's/whose...but for what it is, I think it was really creative for a few pages.  The formatting on the other hand, yikes!

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  August 26th, 2013, 10:05pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 27th, 2013, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I've recently discovered Breaking Bad (I know, where have I been!) and I'm on season two but, formatting issues aside, I really enjoyed this and it's a great piece of fan fic. I'd like to see some more.


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