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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In A Night Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2013, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In A Night by Chidi Felix - Short, Drama - A baby was dropped at Mr. & Mrs. Stanley's stoop by a baby kidnapper, Miss Jane. 21 pages - pdf, format


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Crashbang
Posted: September 6th, 2013, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Righty then. The script was interesting while at some points being a bit clunky to read. Eg:

STANLEY
He could have possibly made a lot
more in court--

Do you need the possibly in there? I'd say probably not. There are a fair few examples in the script of this, to the point I'm actually wondering if English is your first language. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly readable. It just doesn't sound natural. What I would say is for you to read the script out loud - if you find things that aren't natural to say then edit them accordingly.

Also, don't mention that Jane is a kidnapper in the logline. I'm kind of lucky I didn't read that part because otherwise it would have spoiled the ending.

It was an interesting read, but just clean up the dialogue a bit.
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ChiboyMuoneke
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot.
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