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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Devil Be With Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    Devil Be With Me  (currently 1293 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devil Be With Me by Lee Cordner (leegion) - Short - A Demon Hunter attempts to rescue his sister from the Devil, but must go to Hell in order to do so.  19 pages - pdf, format


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Leegion
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Ah, thanks for uploading Don!

Put some time into this, like 6 months worth, and it serves as the prologue to a feature.  There are 2 plots:  Rescue Abby (short) and Hell Rises (feature).  

This works for both, as it sets up the feature and gives you some development for the characters, that will also appear in the feature itself.

My shorts have not been that convincing, most have been catastrophes, but I'm hoping this lights the way to the feature and leaves you wanting more.

Feature is coming in October, hope you enjoy the characters and story.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Lee, I gave this a quick look and have some comments for you.  As always, please take these comments with some grains of salt and understand these are my personal opinions.

Your opening line is troubling and I actually had to read it several times to understand what you were trying to say.  First of all, you know the way you intended this, but you made a major blunder by using "motel" vs. "hotel".  I'm not familiar with any "5 Star Motels", as motels by nature are shitheaps.  The bigger issue here is something I frequently note - say what you mean and don't try to get cute, as the results are often the opposite of what your intentions are.

Your next passage also has an issue - "Dingy cars occupy every available parking spot. Yet no lights are on." - Why is this 2 separate sentences?  What do the lack of lights being on have to do with the cars in the parking spots?  Maybe more importantly, why would anyone care if every single parking spot is full...why would every single parking spot be full?

Next passage, again, has an issue - "VACANCY in broad neon lighting flickers on and off upon a rusty old sign barely held together." - The main issue is that it's awkwardly written...awkwardly phrased.  "upon" doesn't work here.  "barely held together" doesn't work here.  But, maybe more important, as above, if every single parking spot is full, how could there be vacancy?

OK, enough of the petty nitpicky tsuff, but I think if you read everything out loud, you'll understand what I'm saying and you'll find a whole lot more awkward phrasings throughout.

Damn...not enough, apparently, as I have to address the next passage under the new Slug.  "A motel room." - Uh...yes, we know it's a motel room.  Although you didn't literally repeat the Slug in the opening line, basically, you did, and that's always a problem, as it's repetitive, unnecessary, and annoying.

The next passage is awkwardly written again, sorry to say.  "The carcass of ABBY" just doesn't read well at all.  "youthful 26" - this description doesn't line up well with a carcass.  "ragged sheets" - not sure what this infers, actually.

I'm sorry, Lee, but I'm going to continue quoting line by line, because Page 1 is so important and IMO, you're doing yourself a huge disservice the way you're jumping out of the gate.

"Bone charms dangle like wind-chimes around the bed. Gently sway in the breeze." - "bone charms"?  Huh?  What does that mean?  Gently swaying in what breeze?  Why would there be a breeze in the room?  Also, understand, the way you wrote this (and a bunch of lines that follow) is a problem, as "Gently sway in the breeze." is not a standalone sentence.  It's a fragment that's missing a subject.  Many write this way for some unknown reason, but it reads poorly and there just isn't any reason for it, IMO.

The description of Geoff is very awkwardly written with those double dashes.  Just not the right way to do it, bro.

And then the following line is a perfect example of what I just said above - "He gazes at himself in the mirror.  Closes his eyes." - Why do you have  "Closes his eyes." as a separate sentence?  I'm curious.

"Reaches into his shirt...", "Places the cross...", "Sets the cross..." - Again, all missing the subject, which makes them read poorly and can actually cause confusion if there are other possibilities of who or what is doing whatever.

"sawn-off shotgun" - Here, in the US, we call it a "sawed-off shotgun", but I understand in the UK and AUS, it's what you wrote.

OK, I'm going to leave you with a comment on Page 2.  You write, - "Geoff shoves a rucksack into a trunk, slams it shut and looks around."  For the life of me, I can't visualize what you're intending here.  So, Geoff has a rucksack in his arms and there's some random trunk laying on the ground, and he shoves this rucksack into this trunk, and that's the scene?  I have a feeling there's more to it, but I'm curious.

Lee, I hope this makes sense and helps you going forward.  Take care.
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Leegion
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

Thanks for chiming in, bud.  Always appreciate input from you.

The "trunk" thing, I thought that was the American way of describing a car boot?  Like the back-end, or am I mistaken?  He's shoving the rucksack into the car's trunk, then he looks around, etc.

Motel room, motel lot, etc.  Still getting the hang of how to describe things in truth.  I might just leave everything to chance, as in not describe where we are, a motel room is a motel room, right?

I'll try to address the problems, just know I'm reading your work "Unforgettable" and Phil's "The Devil's Jokebook" as examples of how to extend my visual style.  

I actually learnt quite a bit from yours and Phil's collective works, so I am attempting to write in a similar way to the both of you, maybe I'm doing it wrong, I don't know.

Nontheless, thank you for the input, be sure I'll learn, and keep learning from my mistakes, of which there are plenty.

Lee
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion
The "trunk" thing, I thought that was the American way of describing a car boot?  Like the back-end, or am I mistaken?  He's shoving the rucksack into the car's trunk, then he looks around, etc.


Yes, you are correct, but look how you worded the sentence.  "Geoff shoves a rucksack into a trunk." - the key word here being "a".  Doesn't work like that.


Quoted from Leegion
Motel room, motel lot, etc.  Still getting the hang of how to describe things in truth.  I might just leave everything to chance, as in not describe where we are, a motel room is a motel room, right?


The key here is repeating your Slug in your opening line.  It's a rookie mistake that even Pros make.  The key here is that oncve you properly set your scene with your Slug, we know we're in a motel room, so when you repeat it, you're wasting those words.


Quoted from Leegion
I'll try to address the problems, just know I'm reading your work "Unforgettable" and Phil's "The Devil's Jokebook" as examples of how to extend my visual style.  

I actually learnt quite a bit from yours and Phil's collective works, so I am attempting to write in a similar way to the both of you, maybe I'm doing it wrong, I don't know.


Sounds good.  I sent you the latest draft incase you're not that far along.


Quoted from Leegion
Nontheless, thank you for the input, be sure I'll learn, and keep learning from my mistakes, of which there are plenty.


It truly is 1 of the best ways to learn - by our own mistakes.  We all make them, so you're far from alone, my friend.
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Leegion
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for sending the latest draft, man.  Appreciate it.

As for slugs and such, I'll try to set the scene properly.  Maybe in the slug I could say "dingy motel", which then cuts away meat from the action lines.  As we'll already know it's dingy and I could cut straight to the action.

"A trunk", should be "the trunk", should've changed that.

Live and learn.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion
Thanks for sending the latest draft, man.  Appreciate it.

As for slugs and such, I'll try to set the scene properly.  Maybe in the slug I could say "dingy motel", which then cuts away meat from the action lines.  As we'll already know it's dingy and I could cut straight to the action.

"A trunk", should be "the trunk", should've changed that.

Live and learn.


I wouldn't necessarily recommend using "dingy" in front of motel in your Slug, but it's not a bad thing either.

As for that pesky trunk, you need to be clear that you're referring to "the" trunk, of "his" car.  I don't think you mentioned anything about a car being in the scene, and the pint I'm trying to hammer home is that to write visually, you need to "show" us exactly what's in the scene - what the important things that are being acted upon, that is.

If he's doing something to a or the car, you need to clue us in on that.  This stuff may seem very unimportant, but without a word here and there, or by using a different word here or there, it really does make a big difference.

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