Sam And Friends by Rob McAllister (crashbang) - Short - Sam tries to get useful advice on how to woo a boy.  8 pages - pdf, format

Better cap Sam when you first introduce her. And I think you better start with SAM (10), girly (etc) or SAM, a girly fourteen year old (etc)
I'd also give the boy a name.
I wanted to see what she wants an advice about - I know from your logline but I want to see it, to hear it and you don't give it to me in your first 5 pages. I think that's a mistake.

I also think you could shorten the first 6 pages, cut on some dialog, and introduce the boy much earlier.
You tell us he works at the bar, even show him but he does nothing.
You also did not describe him at all. I wish you did.
The rewrite may work.

Hi Rob,

I like the script. A few suggestions.

First, I think you should clarify the character's age. That would make the story more clear. I'm assuming she is older than 21 because the story takes place at a bar. Second, I think that childish Sam should be a bit more childish. In one line she says "Because we are part of your mind
and so we are merely expressing various elements of your psyche and cannot move beyond the restrictions you place upon yourself!." Doesn't sound childish. Finally, I there are a couple spelling mistakes.

-Emanuel

P.S.
Please review my script. It is called San Diego Criminal. 8 scripts below yours (simply scripts).

Thank you for the feedback guys. I'll get on that script for you Emanuel in the coming days.