Under Cover of Darkness by Thomas Byrne - Short, Thriller, Film Noir - Set in 1940's Boston, New York, an undercover officer comes dangerously close to being discovered by the ruthless crime boss he's trying to take down. 4 pages - doc, format

Big lack of atmosphere here. And other problems. But atmosphere's up there for this type of script.

Hi Thomas,

The voice over was not really needed as you repeat the same information in the next few lines of speech.
There were several times you used the word your when it should have been you're, and it would be an easier read with a little more punctuation. I have started using final draft app on the ipad to write scripts, and the downside of that is that its predictive script can be very inventive, and make a hash of spelling words like its and your.

I know there are only four pages, and believe me, I like brevity, but it felt like there was a beginning and an end but no middle, really, so a little bit rushed.
It might help the twist if you place the gangster's niece in an earlier scene, otherwise how did she discover him as an undercover cop?
Do the end credits imply this is based on a true story?
Anyway, good luck with it.

H

Format issues, couldn't get through it. Use free screenwriting software, it'l format for you.

Hi Thomas

First things first. There is a free scriptwriting program called CeltX that is free for download on its website that might be of use to you.

From what I read, you seem to have a great story that could be fleshed out in an even bigger story. Sadly, because it felt incredibly rushed, I couldn't get a feel for what it is you are trying to convey with this script. It is insanely rife with plot holes and characters that are not fleshed out properly. In the end, it was a very big letdown.

This needs some serious work, as in, it is not a story meant as a short, but as something more. Keep at it, though. I'm sure you will do something great with it.

-Silva Sly-