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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Test Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 13th, 2013, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Test by Brian Wareham - Short, Espionage, Spy - A government agent, attempting entry into a black ops kill unit, is sent on his first mission. 15 pages - pdf, format


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James A McCormick
Posted: November 9th, 2013, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brian,

Formatting was very good and your character introductions informative and concise. It also felt like a script rather than prose which is sometimes the case. (Although one quibble is that you use the adjective "anxious" and the adverb "anxiously" when you should show this rather then tell us).

Overal I found it an entertaining but I have one or two problems with it:

- The beginning is heavy on exposition (maybe this is okay with a longer script but not with a short where it takes up too much time). This brings me on to the next point.
-The first seven pages are the set up, this is far too much in such a short script
-The initial dialogue seems a little too on the nose. I personally feel it needs to be reworked and polished and if you wish to keep the script so short it should be woven into the action (IMO)

But, like I said- an enjoyable read- you should think about developing this into a longer work.

Hope this helps

All the best

James




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