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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Witches Can't Fly - OWC
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  Author    Witches Can't Fly - OWC  (currently 2707 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Witches Can't Fly by Thirty-Five - Horror - A young witch is hired to raise the spirit of a dead woman, but things don't go according to plan. (PG) - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

You have some good lines in this, but for the most part the dialogue went on for too long.

There isn't much of a story here, either. You could easily trim this down to six or seven pages.

I can appreciate the twist, but at the same time, I just don't buy that Raven didn't see it coming. She just mentioned that you need an already dead body to bring somebody back to life, so who did she think they were gonna use?

And lose the copyright notice at the bottom of every page.

Anyway, I still enjoyed this. Needs some work, but a nice effort for a week.

Hope this helps...

Will
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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I've said this a few times and I';ll say it here too - this ain't no horror script.

It actually reads like a comedy or even a pisser.  Way too much chattering that may be funny to some, but for me, got irritating quickly.

I see no story here and I really don't even understand what went on and why.

Not for me, sorry to say.

Good job entering a script.
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Neighbour
Posted: October 19th, 2013, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Things I have problems with:

RAVEN
You have to be born a witch. Or a
warlock.

I think that line could have been said better. I feel this is just a reference to the topic, and to me it comes off bluntly and a bit lame. I feel "It's just something you're born with." or something like that would have sufficed.

I also don't like the serial killer line. Seems pretty ridiculous for a woman to ask a question about raising the dead, and then attack a woman who is helping her after getting a response.

Also it says "it we were trying to raise a man" should be if, obviously. Just a little spelling error, so that's no biggie.

I think technically speaking, I personally didn't notice any problems with the writing. It flowed well but I think the dialogue here got pretty lame after a point. It seemed like you were trying to make some profound statement mixed in with slapstick comedy in some lines.

Neither of the characters were very likeable either, in my opinion. Raven was too childish and seemed a bit forced. And Devere just seemed like a plain ole bitch.

The twist could have been handled a bit better. I think with more pages you could have done it and am going to guess it's the culprit for that problem.

But this wasn't bad. Definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and it was better than mine as well.


A bad writer, trying to become decent...

Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.

Practice will hopefully pay off for my writing.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2013, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Witches can't fly

Logline - seems a decent idea, much will be in the execution

No title page - this won't affect by opinion but I would say I prefer scripts to have one.
Slug - needs a dash by night
Why CAP autumn wind?
Oh I see, lots of caps. Be careful not to do too many. They should be left for special I moments IMO
I wouldn't use the future tense , ie will do something.  Better to says she does something

Finished

Not very horror.

It was light hearted, a simple blast of fun, more of a sketch.

For this to work for this competition it needed to be darker, with probably a violent and ironic ending.

Grade D - reflects the fact this is not a horror script, IMO, as it should be.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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nawazm11
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Dialogue isn't very good I'm afraid. Needs a lot of work. It feels like it's trying to be hip and cool but it reads like a b movie.

This might be a pisser, I can't tell. It wasn't funny, even though it tried to be. I didn't find the dialogue amusing, everything basically dragged and dragged and dragged... Until we finally finished. I could've read the first 2 pages and then the ending and it would've made sense. None of that chitter chatter lead to anything and could be achieved in way less time. Needs work.

Grade: D-
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SAC
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Sorry to say I was out by page 5, and skimmed the rest. The dialogue here just goes on forever while she's trying to raise this dead person. It really was tedious. Perhaps if there weren't so many scripts to read I would have gone further, anyway...

But congrats on entering!

Steve


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EWall433
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Pg. 2 Writing was going fairly well until, “Miss Devere will circle the grave”. Action lines should be stating what ‘is’, not what ‘will be’.

Pg. 5 The dialogue started out good and I was initially getting a feel for these characters, but by this point I’m getting impatient. I hope something happens soon.

In the end this didn’t fit the horror requirement. It took awhile for the story to kick in and once it did everything ended kind of abruptly. Most of the dialogue was wasted on me and the ending left me wanting. Maybe if we knew more about this Ashley Michaels person and why they were resurrecting her in the first place.

On the plus side, the writing was pretty good. I just wish more had come from the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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Nomad
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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A few notes as I go:


  • "Gleaming dully" sounds contradictory.
  • Is Raven the slave or is the patron the slave?  The way it's worded right now sounds like the patron is the slave.
  • Having Raven state her age sounds unnatural.  Just tell us that Raven is 19 in her description and have her say that the dead girl "was my age".
  • "Touché" makes it sound like they're having this conversation over coffee, not in a cemetery getting ready to raise the dead.  All the dialogue sounds like they're, "you know, kinda like, they're just, you know, like, teenage girls texting back and forth, you know, like, you know".
  • The outside of a pentagram IS a pentagon.  Typically pentagrams are associated with evil, so a pentagram would be worse than a pentagon.  Correct me if I'm wrong.
  • Pg. 7  I'm seriously thinking about gnawing through my wrists because this "OMG LOL" dialogue is killing me.

This has to be the most well written bad script I've read so far.  Technically there isn't too much wrong with it, but the story is painful to read.  

Couldn't Miss Devere just zap Raven with lightning as soon as they got to the cemetery?  I would have liked that a lot more.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
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MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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LizzAyn
Posted: October 21st, 2013, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't grab me.  The plot was muddled and Raven is completely unsympathetic.  The dialogue was on-the-nose and went on much too long.  Also- FADE IN should be left justified.  However, it's always hard to put your work out there to be judged and I sincerely commend you for that.  Keep writing.  
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ReneC
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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I like this. Lots of subtext and foreshadowing, elevating the dialogue considerably. It does go on a bit long, too many returns to the "Death Inc" idea and not enough character from Miss Devere.

Definitely some writing issues, already pointed out so I won't harp on them further. I like the craigslist element but that's the only modern aspect to the story, it could have taken place any time. Also, not a horror, maybe a thriller.

I think this has potential with a rewrite. Good job completing the OWC.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read any replies so excuse me if I repeat anything or take note if a few peeps are writing the same feedback

The parameters asked for modern Witches horror... I guess the mini cooper and Craiglist mention made it somewhat modern as for the horror... zero

The dialogue was pretty tame and on the nose, for example the opening scene when there are only 2 characters and both mention each other's names whilst talking to each other, they know who they are.

There were a few funny lines if that was the intention, but there were also a lot of repetitive lines, naming the company about raising the dead, for one.

As far as storyline goes it was pretty straight forward and ended as if you ran out of ideas.

Develop your characters a little better, create more than a scene.

You should be proud that you got an entry and completed the OWC now you have time to work on it.

Mark


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James McClung
Posted: October 22nd, 2013, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Man, if there's a script amongst these entries that holds your hand from start to finish, this is it.

Miss Devere isn't a character; she's a foil and here to ask questions so Raven can explain the plot, down to every last detail. Her dialogue is so heavy handed, she even begins some of her dialogue with phrases like "Let me guess..." or "Tell me, Raven..." If you're going to spoon-feed the reader this much, at least *try* to make it not so obvious.

And despite the blatant exposition, you still manage to make Miss Devere just a flat out weird character. I mean, she doesn't bat an eyelash at anything Raven says. Even though she's not a witch (pretending not to be a witch), she behaves as if every single thing that happens in this graveyard is normal. Kind of gives herself away, really.

As for Raven, her character grows increasingly insufferable as the plot moves along. Her dialogue wavers between pretentious and just flat out poseur-ish. And she has a tattoo of her kitty... watch out. Badass witch right here.

Jokes a plenty throughout as well. Almost none of them are funny. But that's okay. A select few scripts submitted actually have been funny. Still, it seems like Raven's character is meant to be really sharp-witted and generous with her zingers but it all just makes her seem more fake.

Strangely, the action paragraphs are written more or less acceptably. Nothing here that a standard rewrite wouldn't fix.

No horror to be found here. The ending is obviously meant to be a comedic one but if there's supposed to be a blend of some sort going on here, there isn't. I'm not sure if that's the jokes or just how overly explanatory everything is.

Sorry. Didn't care for it at all. Actually wondering if this isn't supposed to be a pisser. Hope not.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Witches can't fly

Hello.

For me dialogue has got even not half the power as movement, action, physical interaction. Just want to say to you because...hm...you write interesting... no doubt... but it's not the elementary stuff I want; you're hiding this from me.

And I'm disappointed of your choice to shoot, ya, a conversation film.
I think it's just too much. Questions and answers and all that...

You have so nice images, if you try to show: She tosses the empty urn against another grave .  In my head I hear a CLACK-TONE. That picture that clack-tone brings something alive.

Images, audio-tones,
What's more emotional? Characters disrespecting the death by throwing an urn against the grave of another death like a coke-can into the garbage, or dialogue? 2 disrespected lives in one picture. It gives a horrible impression. Ask yourself. Dialogue can be emotional, build empathy, sure, but not as much as movement in which case ever, and for sure not in such quantity.

Write action and not just dialogue. Even if I disliked that fact, you did solid work.



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mmmarnie
Posted: October 26th, 2013, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Please, please, please turn off the title and copyright on the bottom of each page.

RAVEN - Well, no. I had to deaden’em some. (funny and a unique voice)  

MISS DEVERE - Isn't that how serial killers get their start? Jack the Ripper got his start that way, I hear. (I'd choose one of these lines. Both come off as repetitive)

How to kill an orphan: Raven reaches into the bag again and pulls out a small brass
urn. --  Raven reaches back in the bag, pulls out a small brass urn.

RAVEN - Hey, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, right? (another great line)

So, lots of dialog in this story. Some good but some, not so good. The story itself was cute, good twist at the end but NOT at all a horror.

Congrats of completing something for this OWC.



boop
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