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This isn't going anywhere and it's very awkwardly written. So many fragments that don't read right, and numerous examples terrible sentence structure and run-ons.
Lily is intro'd with blond hair and fair featured, then at the bottom of the page, she's described again, completely different, with jet black hair and eyebrow piercings. Did I miss something?
There's just no story forming and I'm not going to waste anymore time here.
As pure as the driven snow? I'm not exactly sure what this means.
"-- 25 going on 10" Does this mean she looks as if she's 10? Is that even possible for a 25 year old? Not a good start, I'm afraid.
I can already see myself mixing up Lily and Mary.
"You're reading dark things." Dialogue was going fine until this, this does not read well at all.
The usernames on the laptop are cute more than anything, which really breaks up the tone of the story.
This was fine, a poor start but it does pick up later on. I didn't like the dark humour element, unless that wasn't on purpose? Ending doesn't make much sense, what does she achieve from going with the demon? Did I miss some subtext? Yeah, her life is shitty but I'm not sure if going to hell(?) is any better. There was a nice feel to this script though and I can tell you had some fun writing it.
Writing does need some work though. Definitely need more consistency.
The scene with Lily and Irwin grabbed my interest. At first I thought he was a creeper and the reason she was into this stuff. Like maybe he was a pedophile. When she conjured up the demon, for me it happened to easily.
I didn't like Lily too much. Maybe if there was more abuse it wouldn't have bothered me that she killed so many people. But Irwin and her sister, they didn't really deserve it and Janis, she was a jerk but not sure it was murder worthy. And Pastor Quinn? I got a vague idea there was an issue, but wasn't sure. He was blown to bits. If he did something bad to her, fine. But if she just goes on some bratty killing rampage, then it's just senseless killing. Give us a reason to be behind her.
The writing is very good here, generally. This is a writer who knows how to wield a sentence and is pretty comfortable with dialogue. Strictly on the writing, this will probably be top ten.
Regarding the story, well, there are some strengths. I could picture this writer working on shows like Charmed.
But this is actually way, way over the top for me. Something that will be common in witch OWCs, to be sure.
We have a story about a teen dabbling in magic, and out of that we get an old(Celtic?) monster/god swallowing up her boyfriend in his room, rising out of a pool and turning the preacher and others into bone and mush.
The characters don't feel real...BUT...my sense is this writer definitely has the ability to make real characters. So as an exercise, this is not at all a wasted effort.
I like how this started with a pastor and a Christian baptism and parallels at the end. It harkens to history and the turn of paganism into Christianity. There are a few more historical references so I assume the plan was to show how pagan/witchcraft was the common religion before other's adopted same ideas.
The older sister had some good dialogue. I like the Goth aspects as this fills modern witch guideline. This entry does this best so far with that - the internet pressence and computer witchcraft. I wish they had better usernames though.
Another entry with incantations and rhymes. The rhyming could have been better, maybe go Shakespearean? But I liked that we get subtitled demon language. Would be cool to hear. I love that we GET a demon. A historical one. And we get to see it do damage. I like that it is animal-like too. I like the carpet scare. And the found footage style webcam attack. Awesome modernized witchcraft with screen capture. Love it. Only gripe is uneven ending. Love blood baptism, but unclear on motive to kill others beside pastor.
You definitely did research. I like all the historical roots. It adds to the myth feel. Even the character names hint at the larger picture, I think. Lily - Lillith. Janis - Janicot. Cernnunos.
Amongst early favs. Actual horror. Modern spells. Modern witch. Historical roots. Symbolism.
I liked this one. Writing was good and easy to understand. I liked the story which was also told in an easy way to follow. It was definitely horror. I liked the video chat part. I have no suggestions to improve this script. It works as is and I like it.
My only complaint would be Mary's description. What does 25 going on 10 mean? Is she mentally disabled? Acts like a 10 year old? Immature? Naive? What? I guess, I'll have to wait and see her actions to find out. I hate descriptions like that. Especially when it turns out, it doesn't fit the character at all.
Other than that, all I have to say is that it's definitely one of my favorites so far.
This was well-written and it read easily. I liked the character descriptions though I agree with the above about Mary. That description was a little confusing and not really necessary.
I thought the script was really creepy and the blood-red pool was a great visual, I really like how this wrapped up. Pretty creepy stuff. I think you hit all of the requirements here, good read!
The references to lore as 'Fountain mentioned were also a plus for me.
Not my tastes and too dark for me - but I appreciate what was done here. Why did the Pastor go? Why not? He's the mortal enemy of what got conjured up. And the others? Maybe there's collatoral damage in that kind of warfare also. That's harsh but the premise worked for me.
I like the opening action paragraph. I don't know why, but it catches my attention. The first line from the pastor...not so much. This could very well be an actual line from the bible, I don't know, but it was super awkward for me to read, and I had to reread it a few times.
So far the writing in the action paragraphs is a bit awkward at some points.
How did Lily's hair turn black all of the sudden? Is this a flashback? If so, that should be indicated.
This is actually getting better as it goes on. You're managing to fit a lot of story into a short amount of space. It's impressive.
Finished and I actually thought that was pretty good. Like I said, it seemed like a lot happened in such a short amount of pages. Also this seems like a cross between Paranormal Activity/Sinister in some parts and I could definitely see this as a feature.
I thought this was a good effort. Just listen to others and try and refine it as much as possible.
A bad writer, trying to become decent...
Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.
This was a pretty decent story. The characters were set up well without being over done, and your dialogue read very well, I thought. I wanted to keep reading. That was good.
There's really not much bad to say here. I guess I'm big on suspense, as I think it's a key element of horror. There wasnt much save for the scene when the beast appeared and killed Irwin. I guess her spell, in the end, didnt really take, huh?
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The writing at the start of this was a little awkward in places, (happy to elaborate if you like) but it seemed to find its flow as it went. The lack of a flashback indicating the time jump didn’t help and it took me a second read to connect it all.
Story held my attention and overall I was pleasantly surprised with the ending. Thought it was handled well by concentrating on Lily and not the carnage being wrought around her. There’s also something surreal in the final image of Cernunnos and Lily disappearing into the pool together.
What’s missing for me were Lily’s motives for all this. The conflict between Lily and her family (and their beliefs) didn’t seem established enough to warrant her actions. Hard to get a feeling of her 'troubled' home life when everyone around her seemed genuinely concerned for her well-being -- though perhaps I’m missing the point of the horror here... But then, what’s in it for her? Give us a sense of her reasoning, however twisted it may be.
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