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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Karmacide Moderators: bert
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  Author    Karmacide  (currently 4121 views)
Don
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Karmacide by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Short, Thriller - A hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dena

SPOILERS!

I think you should mention when Luke's on the gurney. It's not mentioned and will confuse readers. lol.

Other than that, really good. I like this story. The urgency, the grayish character (his not good or bad), the obstacles. All good.

However, the ending could be more ominous. I mean, Luke should be seeing the victim he hit with that "WTF" look.  

I would also suggest changing the logline. There's another short similar to this one on here. Definitely different though. This is more of a story about "a man tries to get his wife to the hospital to give birth".

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and reviewing Gabe...Kevin and I wrote this a while back ...it's short and to the point. I think everyone used the same logline I'll change mine up some. Thank you again...if you have anything you need me to read...hit me up!
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NickSedario
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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A breeze to read.  Bittersweet ending.

I liked it.  Despite the fact the Kevin was involved.  

I won't bother spewing out any advice or opinions.   Bottom line, Dena's a pro.

Pretty darn good.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Silverback you are so sweet Tanks tons. Kevin deserves MORE credit on this one than I do

Revision History (1 edits)
Pale Yellow  -  October 29th, 2013, 8:14pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I'm all in favor for short and straight to the point. lol. I've learned that with my shorts. This will naturally get picked up.

Kev's the bartender? Shouldn't he get a proper credit? lol. Like to hear the story behind that.

In regards to reads, feel free to read any two in my sigs. Both are revised. More Than a Killer is new while, The Art of Persuasion is old. You might catch a surprise in More Than a Killer. But that's if you want. If you don't, no problem.

Gabe



Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Gabe. The idea was that it's kind of suicide by karma. He's consumed by guilt, but he's desperate to get his wife to the hospital. That's why he's actually relieved with his last breath, because he sees the healed victim and understands.
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Guest
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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I read this in between a commercial break, waiting for Sons of Anarchy to come back on.

This was a very fast read, not a struggle at all -- action right from the start.

The writing is top notch, even if a tad confusing in some places.
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DV44
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Dena & Kevin -

Entertaining read guys. Quick to the point and loaded with fast paced action. I love the ending with Luke absorbing the victims injuries and the victim in return back to normal. Reminded me something you would see in a Twilight Zone or Hitchcock episode. Very cool.

You guys make a great duo. Possible the two of you will collaborate on another script in the future?

One little error I see: Page 4. Left ankle bent at an impossible (ankle) angle.

Great job and best of luck with future scripts!

- Dirk
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dirk. We actually collaborated on a feature a year and a half ago which we optioned recently. And we recently collaborated on 2 OWC scripts.

This Karmacide one was for a similar competition. We hatched out the plot over skype. Writing is lonely work, and it can really help a lot to sound out ideas with another writer, or even just someone who likes movies.

One thing we wanted to experiment with here was whether we could get an audience to care about a character without any back story at all. I think most of the time we writers tend to want to introduce the qualities and flaws of our character before we jump into the story. That way the audience has bonded with the character before the character's thrown into the fire.

So what happens often, in a feature anyway, is this method is used:

1) create a tone setting scene, such as a kill or a chase, something that does not involve the main character...or which uses a flash forward to give us a taste of what is to come.
2) then have us get to know the main character: his qualities, needs, flaws, desires, erc...and do it so that we care about the character.
3) then have an inciting incident which gets things going.

But we were thinking that there are other ways to make us care about the main character that allow us to jump right in. Thus...the hemorrhaging pregnant wife.

We don't know anything about this guy. But we sympathize with him because of the situation: he is about to lose his wife and child if he doesn't get her to the hospital quickly.

So when he leaves the victim by the road, it is only because he has a terrible, gut wrenching choice. If he delays getting his wife help, she might die.

But he's wracked by guilt all the way to the hospital. If the audience can be made to understand that, they might really feel for his situation.

We flirted with adding a scene to the beginning, in case anyone has an opinion on this. I think a powerful thing that cements an audience's bond with a character is when the character earns it. For example, in the Wizard of Oz. The reason the for the frustration the audience feels with the wizard on the return visit is because they have defeated the witch and earned the right to go home. It's more than that we care about Dorothy and want her to get home. She has earned that right.

So in Karmacide, we tried to think of a very quick way to do that. An idea was this: at the beginning, the husband is racing in the car himself, on the phone with his wife. She has crashed her car on the way to the hospital. She's stuck and doesn't quite know where she is. He is desperately trying to find her.

And then he thinks: they have a flare gun in the trunk. He tells her to fire it up. While she does, he scans the horizon and sees it. That's how he finds her.

The rest of the story picks up from there, with him racing her to the hospital. The difference is that, hopefully, there is a greater sense of him having "earned" the right to get his wife there on time, because he acted cleverly in finding her.

Maybe that wouldn't work, I don't know. Thanks for reading.
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DV44
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin -

I agree with everything you said. Having Luke rush his wife to the hospital instantly made me want him to succeed in doing so. No need for any background in this case since we get the sense of urgency with Marta hemorrhaging. Now if Marta was suffering from a gun shot and wasn't pregnant then I feel there would need some background to the story to why we the reader should care. If she was a bankrobber we wouldn't care unless we had the reason why she did it. Needed the money for some reason but taking the story the route you choose exceded all that. Tough to do but congrats on that.

It's funny to read your reasons to why things set up the way they do in a feature because I'm currently writing a feature and it starts with a few kills in the opening scene than flash forwards 30 years to the present. lol.
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Guest
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin -- interesting post.  In addition, I think I must say this is easily the most fast-paced and readable short on here.  No holding back.

Dirk -- sounds like Carpenter's Halloween.
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DV44
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Guest
Kevin -- interesting post.  In addition, I think I must say this is easily the most fast-paced and readable short on here.  No holding back.

Dirk -- sounds like Carpenter's Halloween.


It does but trust me, it's different.  
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KevinLenihan
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Reaper.

Dirk, sounds like you are using a flashback, which is another way. A flash forward is like a quick scene that takes place in the future of your narrative. Let's say you have a story about an outbreak of zombies and you want to build up your characters before the zombie outbreak occurs. To set the tone you might choose to show a zombie attack scene at the beginning, but it's a tease scene which chronologically takes place later in the story, but which you give the audience a glimpse of now.

Another way of setting the tone is by introducing the antagonist first.

If you post the first 10 here I'll take a look if you want.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Really happy to come home from work and see a few of you liked our lil script Makes my day. I'm just the fairy that flutters about sprinkling fairy dust Kev is the heavy hitter and the brains of this duo.
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