SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 12:46am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  John Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 17 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    John  (currently 809 views)
Don
Posted: October 31st, 2013, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
John by Joshua Good - Short, Drama - Dealing with the loss of his wife, John must conquer his past in order to set an example for his traumatized son.  - txt, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
SAC
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 6:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Joshua,

Hope you show here. I read this. PDF is the way to go when submitting this. Your format on this is absolutely haywire. Maybe something in the translation, I don't know. But not many folks will read this the way it is. There are free software available. They say to try Celtx or Trelby.

Anyway, your action blocks read more like a novel. You have many unfilmables here. Remember to write only what the camera can actually see. If you need to tell us something, let your characters do it. Or show us some other way. Show don't tell.

Your dialogue got a bit wordy, but otherwise was fine. I'd say that was the strong point of this piece. You had pretty interesting subject matter going here, but it feels like it definitely needed some closure. The way it ends is ironic, but where does it leave is? What of Harris? John? A lot of unanswered questions made this feel very incomplete.

I'd have another go at this one as I feel it does have potential. It def needs to be formatted properly. The best advice isntonread some other scripts on the site and get a feel for how they are written, and how they convey with words what we see on the screen. You'll find a lot of good examples if you look around.

Good luck!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
SilvaSly104
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Life is Art

Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Joshua

Very engaging piece. I read from start to finish and enjoyed it quite a lot. Also liked the ending a lot. Sometimes we give advice to ourselves that revenge is never a good thing, but when the opportunity finally presents itself, sometimes the anger is too much that you have to seize that opportunity. Definitely learnt a lot about John's character.

A suggestion...not really a big deal, but I would suggest a different title for your script. Something that sheds some light on the emotional content of this piece. I think 'John' is a tad too bland for a title...but again, not a big deal at all.

Great job, Joshua.

-Silva Sly-
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006