Too Late For Good Deeds by Steve Cooper - Short, Horror, Thriller - A hit and run driver, consumed with guilt, starts to exhibit the same injuries as his victim. 12 pages - pdf, format

Very well written, although the ending left me somehwat bewildered.  I enjoyed the read, nonetheless.   Good job.

On a sidenote; this premise is strangely similiar to Kevin and Dena's script "Karmacide".  

Hopefully the writer actually shows up.  I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

The similarity is not a coincidence. These were written for a challenge at another website. The basic log was given to the writers. So more of these scripts will pop up.

Quoted from KevinLenihan The similarity is not a coincidence. These were written for a challenge at another website. The basic log was given to the writers. So more of these scripts will pop up.

Ah-ha.

Code Rain falls on the city.

I'd just stick to, Rain falls. Maybe describe how it is falling. I think that would work much better. Rain falls lightly, or something. Mentioning the city is superfluous information.

Code A DJ gives his opinions on the world over the radio

.

Nothing wrong here, but it would be nice to have some ironic dialogue on the radio here that is turned down by one of the characters as they begin speaking.

Code DAWKINS Son, I was doing this sort of thing when you were jerkin' off to Playboy in senior year.

I think the 'in senior year' is a little overkill. I realise it's dialogue, it just comes out as a bit of a mouthful. The only people that jerk off to playboy are seniors. For me, when you were jerking off to playboy, already says it all.

Code A BUZZING from his cell distracts him, he steps into the -- BEDROOM And grabs his cell off the bed, brings it up to his ear.

Do you think it's necessary to start the final line of action with a capital letter? It bugs me for two reasons... the first is that you should never start a sentence with And, unless it's in dialogue... also, the sentence it runs off from has not finished yet. Nothing wrong with how you've done it, I understand it. It's just aesthetics. I suppose most people wouldn't even notice.

At this point, I'm finding it difficult to believe that two seasoned detectives, who know crime just as much as criminals do... if not better... would take their own car on a robbery. Doesn't ring true.

Code Haywood watches them and knows it's only a matter of time.

This is tell. No real need for it. The action will already tell us all we need to know and you've done a good job so far, no need to ruin it with this tell.

Code HANK WILLIAMS plays on a dirty jukebox.

It took me a couple times to get this. I know Hank Williams is a singer, but the way you've done it here makes it look like a new character intro. It could quite easily be a new character called Hank Williams, I imagine it's a fairly popular name. I think just capitalising the initial letters would be enough here, as it stands I found it confusing.

Where does the sudden injury come from? I don't get that part.

You're a good writer, this is a well-written piece. Unfortunately the story doesn't work for me because of the car. It's such a stupid move and they already know that if caught they will get a long time inside. Then there's the mysterious injury that springs from nowhere... his partner just happens to be the guy that finds him... way too coincidental.

Loved this the first time I read it and still do, Steve.

My main gripe originally was that it maybe didn't fit the horror genre but now that doesn't matter really.

It's very well written, especially when you consider you were on a short time scale.

Hey guys,

Thanks for taking a peek at this, much appreciated. I also want to thank Don for posting.

Quoted from NickSedario Very well written, although the ending left me somehwat bewildered.  I enjoyed the read, nonetheless.   Good job.

Thanks for compliment. Sorry the ending left you confused - you're not alone on that one. If anybody cares, Haywood leaves because he knows he's gonna suffer the same fate as Dawkins. Dawkins chose not to try and save the kid so he suffered the consequences as in the logline, this then carried over to Haywood when he chose not to save Dawkins.

Quoted from NickSedario On a sidenote; this premise is strangely similiar to Kevin and Dena's script "Karmacide".

Yep, it was from a challenge where he had to write a story around the same logline. Funny thing is, I've never read Karmacide - Dena's script (didn't know Kevin was involved) was called Split Decision... must have changed the title.

Quoted from NickSedario Hopefully the writer actually shows up.  I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

I'm definitely around - my fault because I forgot to put my username in with the script. Thanks again for the read, Nick. Please let me know if I can return the read.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I'd just stick to, Rain falls. Maybe describe how it is falling. I think that would work much better. Rain falls lightly, or something. Mentioning the city is superfluous information.

I agree - thanks.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think the 'in senior year' is a little overkill. I realise it's dialogue, it just comes out as a bit of a mouthful. The only people that jerk off to playboy are seniors. For me, when you were jerking off to playboy, already says it all.

Yep, good stuff! I think you're absolutely right and I will be changing that. It does sound a lot better without "senior year" in the dialogue.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Do you think it's necessary to start the final line of action with a capital letter? It bugs me for two reasons... the first is that you should never start a sentence with And, unless it's in dialogue... also, the sentence it runs off from has not finished yet. Nothing wrong with how you've done it, I understand it. It's just aesthetics. I suppose most people wouldn't even notice.

I certainly don't think it's necessary but I can't help myself I guess. Let's call it preference, I like to start with a capitals but if it really affected my scripts and was being pointed out as a major reason for peeps not enjoying the read, then I would change my style of course.

Quoted from DustinBowcot This is tell. No real need for it. The action will already tell us all we need to know and you've done a good job so far, no need to ruin it with this tell.

Here's a little secret... it's okay to break the rules now and then but don't overdo it. I agree that I could of handled it differently but I think this worked in what I was trying to achieve. Sorry if it ruined it for you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Where does the sudden injury come from? I don't get that part.

Dawkins is slowly suffering the same fate as the kid he hit - I have no real scientific reason why he would suffer the same fate. I guess I want the reader to enjoy the story and not think of reasons why, yeah, I'm that kind of writer and want people to accept my stories without questioning them.

Nah, Dawkins and Haywood are not good guys, they've cheated, stole and killed... this is their comeuppance - Dawkins had a chance to save the kid but didn't and he gets his karma payback in the way of suffering the hit and run driver's injuries.

Quoted from DustinBowcot You're a good writer, this is a well-written piece. Unfortunately the story doesn't work for me because of the car. It's such a stupid move and they already know that if caught they will get a long time inside. Then there's the mysterious injury that springs from nowhere... his partner just happens to be the guy that finds him... way too coincidental.

Thanks. I can understand where you're coming from in regards to the car, it is kinda a stupid move. In my mind, Haywood was a confident guy focused on one goal, and both men had been pulling these kind of jobs for sometime. Them hitting the kid wasn't in the plan, and this is what got homicide involved and made the investigation bigger, and finally led to their downfall. On the other hand, maybe I only had 12 pages and needed to tie the story up somehow, so the car was a way to up the ante on our guys and then give Haywood a decision to make over Dawkins when he discovers him.

The injury I explained above hopefully. His partner doesn't just happen to show up and find him and it's not a coincidence at all. Dawkins is a drinker, he was drunk when Haywood saw him earlier that day - now Haywood may be a bit of a bad guy but he is also a detective (not very good one, as we established with stupid car move) and he used these detective skills to track down his drunk partner to a bar. They had things they needed to talk about, like: "I think we're fucked partner" Obviously, the mysterious injuries changed the thought process a bit when he arrived.

Thanks for the read, Dustin. You've made some great observations and found a massive plot hole (the car) that I will have to look into and see if there is another possible way to go about this. Cheers. Please let me know if I can return the read.

Quoted from alffy Loved this the first time I read it and still do, Steve. My main gripe originally was that it maybe didn't fit the horror genre but now that doesn't matter really. It's very well written, especially when you consider you were on a short time scale.

Hey Alffy,

Really appreciate the double read and compliments. I absolutely agree with you about the horror comment.

P.S Is the little nipper with you yet? Congrats anyway - life won't be the same again, mate.

If ever you want to bang heads, pm me. Ideas are something I am never short of.

I do think you need to work in the karma angle a little better too. The injury really does come from nowhere, I had to double back to make sure he hadn't been diagnosed with a severe case of leprosy or something, lol.

Maybe the kid can raise a ghostly finger and point at him or something? That may help deliver the message... also something instantly happening to the cop as the kid points his finger, like a hair line crack seeping blood on the cop's face... just to help drive it home. There are quite a few ways you can get around the car too...

Anyway, I think if you tackle the karma concept better this could be a nice short film to make. Cheap enough to produce and a heavy message attached. What more could an aspiring producer want?

Not really a post about your script but, no the little bugger doesn't want to come out! lol

What's up, Coops? Only just saw this now. I never get to read many of your scripts.

Ha, the chances. In the rewrite of Grace, I have Jeremiah's last name to Hayworth.

Good stuff, an easy read, didn't find any mistakes which is always a plus. Nothing majorly wrong here but the ending didn't work -- for me at least. It's a hard one to explain but considering how the script was panning out with the detectives searching for the robbery, I felt as if the focus kind of switched abruptly to Dawkins' development. Which is all fine but it makes the outcome a little jarring. It's a hard one to explain. And the more I try to suggest something, the more blanks I draw. There's obvious thought behind Dawkin's monologue/backstory and the cancer part was expected but only because it works.

In the end though, it works and that's what's important. Nice work!

Thanks again, Dustin.

I appreciate you chiming in and I agree that there are plenty ways of going about this although I will admit that I’m not a fan of the ghost idea – just not my thing. I will attempt to hint at this a little more clearly in a future draft.

Thanks again, buddy.

Quoted from alffy Not really a post about your script but, no the little bugger doesn't want to come out! lol

I know what you’re going through, Alffy. They decide when they’re ready and you don’t get a say… wish you the best with it. Is it a boy or girl?

Hey Mo,

I appreciate the read, buddy. I agree with you about the read being a little jarring – I was trying to fit both cops’ stories into a short space, and if I’m honest – Dawkins was the one I more cared for so I concentrated on his story near the end.

I liked his character; he was the one that had the dilemma of saving the kid or doing what he’s always done. How to show the consequences of this, well through his injuries, but I also thought that a simple backstory of how he never actually intended to be in this world was adequate and gave more impact to his story. Dawkins whole life was by chance or accident which I thought was more tragic, add into the fact that for first time in his life, he wanted to be the cop but it was too late (like the title) to believe he could change or do the right thing… that time had passed.

Cheers for the read, mate. Much appreciated.

Hey Stephanie

First off, welcome to SS. I can tell by the way you write that English might not be your first language.
Luckily I have 10% discount on Rosetta Stone, just pm me if you're interested.

Now onto your script.

Page 9

She actually liked men
who played football... well that's the whole Villa team out

The crooks at the start seemed to take it all very easy, I thought they were gonna come back into at some point. A lot of hard work for nothing.

Also the mysterious injuries seemed to appear without any questioning... especially from cops.

So Dawson hit the kid, but Haywood is running away???

Nice to see Haywood leaving his dying wife at the end, instead of maybe taking her... I would have done the same thing

Besides all that, this was great piece.
Your action/descriptions are excellant and the dialogue was spot on.

Nice work newbie

Mark