Our Wings by Joe P Berridge Beale - Short, Comedy - What if everyone was born with angel wings and could fly, but lost their wings as soon as they had sex? Follow a pair of friends, the winged Seraph, and the wingless Erin, as they experience the perks and downsides of this alternate world.   17 pages - pdf, format

Hey Joe-

No cover page wasn't a good start, but I kept going for a few pages. The format is a major issue, and detracts from the read. Check out the free software from Celtx.

The dialogue also reads stiff. Read some scripts to get a better handle. There's plenty of good ones on this site.

Hang in, Joe.

Best-
Bogey

According to the star system and what I've seen of other people's work, the formatting is fine. In what way was the dialogue 'stiff'?

Hi Joe,

Formatting is not bad in that I could read it but it is so much easier to read when formatted by proper screenwriting software. Having the parenthesis in the right place, all the margins aligned to industry standards etc. may seem like minor touches but make all the difference. You need to bear in mind people who read scripts for a living go through thousands of them.  Anything that doesn’t look 100% professional is thrown away without giving the story you are trying to convey a chance.

First drafts of scripts don’t include camera shots. This is usually added towards the end with the Director and Producers involvement. Instead of telling us what the camera is doing describe what the audience can see in the present tense. For example  instead of ‘ANGLE ON SERAPH'S WINGS just say “Seraphs Wings twitch against the cold.” Use the estate in your script to describe the action and help break up the dialogue. There is a lot of dialogue, adding more locations, more of the two friends playing and their day-today activities, some flashbacks – these may help.

The dialogue is OK but nothing which had me riveted or laughing. A comedy script which is relying heavily on the dialogue needs both elements. There was some nice touches, the belly button reference, Charlie’s Devils, the Angel Gabrielle being an immature punk douchebag (if you are going to use him then tease the STALKER for a bit but then reveal him and refer to him as such in the script from that point on, that joke could be easily missed otherwise). These are all aspects you can grow on and develop.  

I hope my comments help.

Mark

I'll try to chime in as much as I can here without repeating previous comments.

The opening description is 5 lines long. A rule of thumb is to always keep it to 4 lines max. Although, it was only once so it's not that big of a problem.

I agree that SOME dialogue is stiff, but I don't think all of it is. One thing that bothered me, however, is how much consecutive dialogue there is without a break. It doesn't have to be anything significant either. Maybe the odd playful poke or facial expression? Something like that. Unless, of course, if they're just sitting there doing nothing, ignore everything I just said.

That's all I got. Have fun.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hi Joe, Formatting is not bad in that I could read it but it is so much easier to read when formatted by proper screenwriting software.

Agreed.  The formatting wasn't so bad that it became distracting, you know, like to the point where you are listing off mistakes instead of reading the story.

Quoted from Levon One thing that bothered me, however, is how much consecutive dialogue there is without a break. It doesn't have to be anything significant either. Maybe the odd playful poke or facial expression? Something like that.

I disagree with that assessment.  I used to read that all the time:  break up your dialogue with little actions.  

I stopped following that rule because it disrupts the flow of things.  

Unless you absolutely have to throw something in there so the rest of the scene makes sense, kick such actions as "Joe's eyebrows furrow" to the curb.

It's lame, and I can spot when a writer does it... sticks out like a sore thumb.



--Steve

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hi Joe, First drafts of scripts don’t include camera shots. This is usually added towards the end with the Director and Producers involvement. Instead of telling us what the camera is doing describe what the audience can see in the present tense. For example  instead of ‘ANGLE ON SERAPH'S WINGS just say “Seraphs Wings twitch against the cold.” Use the estate in your script to describe the action and help break up the dialogue. There is a lot of dialogue, adding more locations, more of the two friends playing and their day-today activities, some flashbacks – these may help. The dialogue is OK but nothing which had me riveted or laughing. A comedy script which is relying heavily on the dialogue needs both elements. There was some nice touches, the belly button reference, Charlie’s Devils, the Angel Gabrielle being an immature punk douchebag (if you are going to use him then tease the STALKER for a bit but then reveal him and refer to him as such in the script from that point on, that joke could be easily missed otherwise). These are all aspects you can grow on and develop.   I hope my comments help. Mark

Thanks for the point about the camera work, I'd been wondering about that. Can't really add any more since this is a piece for a 15 page assignment. It's not meant to be an out and out comedy by the way.

Scratch that; I labelled it as comedy. Silly me. It's more of a minimalist fantasy comic satire / slice of life.