The Young Bully by David Chatmon Jr. - Short, Action, Adventure - A six year old boy grows tired of a 10 year old bully taking his lunch everyday, so he devises a plan to stop him.  18 pages - pdf, format

OK. I'm going to give you some help. Until you clean up your writing, nobody is going to be able to read far enough to get at your story, which may be good for all I know.

Code INT. ART’S HOUSE - DAY ART (6) is sitting at a kitchen table as his mom BETTY (35) is making breakfast. His dad NICK (35) walks into the room. NICK Morning Art! Mom! Nick pours himself a cup of coffee. ART Good morning Dad. BETTY Morning Nick. Nick takes a seat at the table. BETTY (CONT’D) Who wants eggs? ART I do, and some bacon too! BETTY Coming right up. Betty dumps some eggs, a strip of bacon and some toast onto a plate and places it in front of Art. BETTY (CONT’D) How bout you dad? NICK Nah, I’m gonna pass on breakfast today, just coffee for me.

The whole above section could be cut from your script. This is a short, you're not writing a soap. Even with a soap there must be some dramatic instance within the scene... It's not that they're having breakfast, it's that there's no pay off for sitting through it. Find the dramatic need of every scene, if there isn't one create one. Use the scene to tell us something about the characters or have a plane crash into the house just at the point the viewer is about to switch off. If there isn't any drama in your scene, cut it.

Code INT. BUDDY’S HOUSE - DAY BUDDY (10), is lying in bed with a pillow over his head as his alarm clock is blaring away. TRISHA (40), Buddy's mom, is in the other bed room.

You did this in the last scene too, but it's easier to point it out here... rather than write:

BUDDY (10), is lying in bed with a pillow over his head as
his alarm clock is blaring away.

try this instead:

Buddy (10), lies in bed with a pillow over his head while his alarm clock blares.


Your should always use the active voice. Research, using the keywords active voice and screenwriting.

Hi, David.

Other than the stuff Dustin has picked up on, I'll try to offer some advice.

I found the story to be quite samey-samey and boring. I mean, how many times have stereotypical bullies been done? I guess it could work as a sub-plot or something, but even then, I've seen it all before.

Just to pick up on Dustin's comment about drama in every scene, I think it would be more effective if you showed Art being miserable and reluctant to get up. At the moment, he seems quite spritely for someone who's getting bullied. I know that if I were in Art's shoes, I'd pretend I was sick or something. Just a thought anyway.

Hope this helped.

Agree with the above comments. Sub-plots can help you making the story more dramatic and exciting. Make the characters have deeper emotions or some secrets or some past. Just a thought