Meter Maid by Athol Forsyth - Short, Drama - A bad day for a Meter Maid.  3 pages - pdf, format

Looks like it's called 'Billy The Bomb'. Aside from that, poor. Nothing really happens.

There is not a great deal to say about this one, given its brevity, though I would hazard a guess as to who inspired the character of Billy haha.

The title does not match that of the script, and I wonder if the Warden was originally a woman and you elected to change the gender.  I agree with that choice, if so.

I would say the Establishing Shot is unnecessary, particularly as you do not describe the shot.  An establishing shot is most often for something specific anyway, and as your story could take place on any street, I think your opening slug is adequate.  Some will get their knickers in quite the twist if you neglect to add Fade In, but I remain ambivalent to that issue.

The dialogue for the Traffic Warden is a bit flat, and would perhaps benefit from a bit more aggression as opposed to that of an utterly passive victim.

The final twist is unexpected, but is so unexpected that it almost strains the credulity of the piece as a whole.  But I also concede there may be some subtleties in this overseas scenario that elude me.

Perhaps you might consider having Billy lift the radio and respond to the call -- as an officer of the law -- letting base know the threat has been neutralized.  Or something like that.  Just a thought.

You have squeezed a complete story into two pages, and Billy comes off exactly as you had intended within this small introduction, so I would say this piece succeeds at what you set out to do.

007-   I don't see why you think nothing happens. it's a 2 page script and I think I've squeezed in quite a lot in that time. The Billy the Bomb title is a mistake, I'll change that.

Bert-  I hear what you're saying about the establishing shot and I'll remove it and add in Fade In.

The Traffic Warden was always a guy,  they get called 'Meter Maids' whatever the gender, in fact it's more offensive if it is a guy.

Traffic Warden's are mostly flat people but I agree that it would look better on screen if  he was more aggressive so I'll work on that.

I'm not sure what you mean  'The final twist is too unexpected' I thought that was the point in a twist?

I like the idea of Billy responding to the call so I'll use that too.

Thanks for the constructive criticism and I'll work on what you say.

P.S. how do you copy and paste in blocks like what I see everyone doing, I can copy and paste but not the way I see others do?, if that makes any sence

Quoted from AtholForsyth ...they get called 'Meter Maids' whatever the gender...

That must suck for them haha...I had no idea.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm not sure what you mean  'The final twist is too unexpected' I thought that was the point in a twist?

You should not see a twist coming, sure, but it should also be organic to the story and what has gone before.  For me, the twist here was a complete 180 for Billy.

There was nothing where I looked back at the story and said, "Ah, I should have seen that coming," if that makes any sense.

Quoted from AtholForsyth P.S. how do you copy and paste in blocks like what I see everyone doing

You use the "quote" button on the upper-right, or alternatively, do it yourself using the code for it.

It looks like this:  [quoteX=AtholForsyth]Bert is the greatest writer I know![/quoteX]

Except without the "X"s I have inserted to disable it.  Remove each X, and it does this:

Quoted from AtholForsyth Bert is the greatest writer I know!

Why thank you.  I'm blushing.

Quoted from bert I suck at writing, you are way better than me.

I think I got it haha

Hey Athol.

I'm on the fence with this one.  It kind of reads like a scene plucked of a longer short or even a feature.

I actually think that the dialogue could have been cut out completely with some reworking of the surrounding action lines.  Bert suggested Billy the Bomb (love the name) could have responded to the meter maid's call.  I think that would have been a great way to end it with that being the only spoken piece of dialogue.

It may be strange with how the scene would play out without the talk:  Meter maid issues ticket, Billy the Bomb rushes in, kicks meter maid's a** and drives off.  In that case, I still think it could work with the badge and that once bit of dialogue.  Just my thoughts though.

Take care.

Johnny

Spot on John, it is a scene plucked from something I wrote about a friend of mine who has been left with PTSD after serving in the army for 22 years working in bomb disposal. The short was to be called 'Broken by War' but was going to be too difficult for me to film as a first project so I pulled the plug.

Anyway I've changed the meter maid scene now so Billy does answer that call and it works better, thanks for your thoughts.

Below is how the story did end just incase you were wondering.


BAR. INT - NIGHT
KENNY, RICHY AND YOUNG JOHN walk into the bar with suits on holding baseball bats.
KENNY MECHIE
Oi Billy fancy seeing you here. Victoria get over here.
Billy looks at Victoria
BILLY THE BOMB
Oh Victoria you were in on this? Well played, but I know the 3 unwise men put you up to it so I’m going to let you go.
If I was you I would walk right out that door and never look back, that goes for everyone.
Victoria walks past the monkeys, looks back at Billy. Other customers follow along with the barman.
KENNY
So Billy where were we?
The monkeys all grab their bats and start to walk forward.
Billy stands up,  pulls a gun out and points it at kenny
BILLY THE BOMB
Now why would you fucking monkeys bring bats to a gun party?
Monkeys stop in their tracks.
BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D)
I’ve been waiting on you ladyboy’s  for ages but at least your here now.
Tonight’s the night I meet my demons and it looks like you fuckers are coming with me.
Billy opens his shirt to reveal wires connected to a bomb round his waist.
He puts his gun on the table and pulls out a detonator then puts both of his hands in the air.
BILLY THE BOMB (CONT’D)

Fuck you demons.
Flicks the detonator switch, lights go out.
                     ~The end~

Hey Athol;

I have to agree with the feedback suggesting this is more like a scene than any other. That being said, I decided to play this out with a few changes.

First; I imagined it was a scene from a Guy Ritchie film (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch)

Second; I cast Vinnie Jones as Billy the Bomb. Actually, Jason Statham or Vinnie Jones would work.

Then I changed up the ending just enough, that it could actually be sifted right into any one of Guy Ritchie's movie's without missing a beat;

Billy jumps in the Mustang, takes a cigarette out of a packet
on the dashboard, and lights up. He takes a big haul, hacks, and glares at it like it made him angry.

Billy the Bomb
"This is not me brand"
(looks around car)
"Oi f*ck... this is not me Sally either"

Anyways... cheers for entertaining us.

Reads like something from an adult Beano comic, I'm sorry to say.

After our earlier altercation, I wanted to like this one, just so that we could be friends. However, it's really bad. I got to page 2 and I was out.

I'm not sure why the Americans like this, maybe they're just humouring you because of your choice of slang in dialogue. None of it seems realistic to me and is actually quite childish. Puts me in mind of my 'tin of beans' story.

In my honest opinion... very honest, because you deserve it... if you want to work in film, then stay behind the camera, or even on camera, keep away from writing scripts.

Quoted from DustinBowcot through straining so much, farts loudly, echoing around the toilet bowl... then follows through.

You say that mines reads like something from an adult comic book and you come away with something like that. Toilet humor at it's worst.

Some people can do humor and you aint one of them, me on the other hand can.

You have said before how much you dont like my work so do us both a favour and don't read anymore of it and keep your opinions to yourself,

I don't mind people telling me where I'm going wrong but you have nothing positive to say so just stay away.

Quoted from AtholForsyth 007-   I don't see why you think nothing happens. it's a 2 page script and I think I've squeezed in quite a lot in that time.

Well, not enough happens that matters.

Bert's right about the final twist and having some element of foreshadowing. This could be quite simple, so that when we first see Billy, he's taking his cigarette out, but can't find a lighter, but then as per the script finds it in the car and we see the ID.

You've not got any motivation for either character - the Traffic Warden isn't only flat, but he's innocent. We'd all like to clobber a Warden, but preferably an a$$hole of a Warden - so maybe have the Warden target the car a bit more - the Warden spends time going through the boring bit of dialogue, so there's room for him to be more interesting if the dull were cut, and replaced by maybe some jealous rant or something - that would give Billy the excuse to clobber him & make the whole thing a bit more satifying -- at the moment he's got no reason to attack the Warden and this detracts from the story: there's just no reason to be on Billy's side.

Athol,

While not terrible, I do believe it needs work. The traffic warden needs a description and an age, unless I missed it. And most of your action blocks seem like they can use a touch up, meaning you could probably cut off a few words from each and find a way to shorten then, yet give them the most visual punch you can muster. All that while balancing your syntax. A laborious effort indeed.

I don't think your dialogue was bad at all. In the case of the warden I think it was pretty good. Not as good in the case Billy The Bomb. His was very stiff and on the nose really. The Warden's came off somewhat the same, but I could picture that kind of talk coming from a proper Brit.

This seemed more like a social commentary than anything. You're talking about bullies here, yes? And senseless violence. Definitely a topic that's worth exploring on some level.

Decent little twist at the end, but not enough to make this entertaining or to give it punch it needs. Hope I helped. Welcome to boards, BTW.

Steve

Quoted from AtholForsyth You say that mines reads like something from an adult comic book and you come away with something like that. Toilet humor at it's worst.

Why are you spelling humour the American way? I will agree though that that 'joke' isn't very good.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Some people can do humor and you aint one of them, me on the other hand can.

You're probably right. Although I'm not so sure you can do either. Your writing being comical and actually being funny are two different things.

Quoted from AtholForsyth You have said before how much you dont like my work so do us both a favour and don't read anymore of it and keep your opinions to yourself,

I'm not sure if there is one here, but most forums have a block function. So you won't see my posts. Before this script, it was only one script I didn't like. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like all of your work. Now it is just two scripts.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I don't mind people telling me where I'm going wrong but you have nothing positive to say so just stay away.

I have told you where you're going wrong. IMO, you should work alongside a competent screenwriter or your films will not be very good. Writing is a separate skill that you can't just learn, generally speaking.

A poem for Dustin Bowcott.


Dustbin Nocock a little parody.
About a A class writer,  take no prisoners wannabe
Get out of my venue and off of my stage
I'm Dustbin Nocock the Captain of the page


Your Script don't make the grade like mine
As I toss yours down the waste disposal line
You're wasting your time and that's fact
Because I say so and that's that

I need an emotional recharge, I'm a social disease
As I sit here hating with my pants at my knees
I'm a keyboard hitman, they keys are my gun
I'm top banana run boy run

A poison pen or a poisioned mind
As I spit on any line that's not mine
An icon on my home made pedestal
I'm a lyrical genious with a mouthful of genitals

And when I go to sleep I dream of me
With a head full of diamonds and a bed full of pee
Copy and paste for all to see  
I'm Dustin Nocock a writer wannabe