SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:04pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Demons Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Demons  (currently 1525 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2014, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Demons by Adam Blockton - Short, Sci Fi, Horror - After twenty years, Julian returns home after the death of his father. As Julian cleans the farmhouse, to get it ready to sell, he discovers clues that remind him about "The Hopkinsville Demons" a local legend from the 1950's about monsters who would take kids in the middle of the night. He finds journals and 8MM films (along with a mysterious, metal door) that begin to make him wonder if the stories were true.   16 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
realxwriter
Posted: February 3rd, 2014, 9:51am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.04
Every horror/mystery fan, not reviewing this, is missing an absolute gem. I liked the script. So much potentials. But feedback is anything but kind, pointless words, so let's get down to business.

//////////////////////
///SPOILERS///
////////////////////

Logline:
A father, cleaning an newly inherited house, finds that he may lose his family if he doesn't solve the mystery of his mother disappearance when he was a child.

Summary:
After inheriting a house from his father, who kicked him out when he was young, Julian has to clean and prepare it for sale and leave as soon as possible. But when he finds a footage of a shootout that took place in the house decades ago, he starts to investigate what really happened the night his mother disappeared. With the help of his father and grand father journals, Julian realizes that whoever been hunting his family for generations, still needs something from them. Something that might put an end to this demonic threat, before his wife and son arrives.

Overall:
It's certainly a good piece of horror. I like the atmosphere, the mystery, and the ending. However, the characters needs more work, and the wrong pace is damaging the structure and giving this concept less suspense than it deserves.

Style:
It's clear and fairly straight to the point most of the time. But it's better if you stick to present tense: "has been cleaning" and "is throwing" for examples could have been avoided. But there wasn't really anything that stood out and took me out of the story, which is a good thing.

Dialogue:
You seem to know what you're doing. None of the lines was memorable or anything. It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either. But the essence of the problem is the character himself. I'll be addressing that in a moment. Also, some lines when he was talking to himself and explaining things to us was really unnecessary and felt a bit on the nose. Like: "Hopkinsville Demons..." and "This isn’t his handwriting. My Grandfather."

Characters:
Julian was an ordinary fella. Very ordinary actually. His lines was predictable. There was nothing witty, humorous, or interesting about them. For example:
Code

I have a gun. I’ve used it before
and I’m not afraid to use it again.


Everybody says that. Yes, it's a common thing to say for intruders, but Julian was always saying common things. Another example:
Code

Hey babe. Sorry I missed your call.


I know what you're thinking: what else to say? But Julian didn't have a chance to talk much but every time he opened his mouth he said what regular Joe would have said. Give him a personality. His own set of words. Russel was the character with the best lines in the whole script. You need to make your characters stand out from the crowd.

Structure
Here lies the real problem of the script. I'll summarize it like this:
A slow march toward Julian realizing the imminent threat, then a quick a jump to the solution. I felt only a jolt of suspense during the whole script.

What you need to do:
Julian will start investigating the mystery early in the script. As he does so, signs of the possibility that they may be after his son too will flicker every now and then. By the middle of the script, Julian have no doubt that his son is next.

Now, he must know what they're really after. From that point, the mystery has stakes to it. You get the ticking bomb effect. His family is on their way, and he has to solve this puzzle. Make as close to danger as possible during that second half.

Don't make the solution as clear as day light. I mean his family wasn't smart enough to realize that returning the body may solve the problem? Give me a break. So the body is hidden somewhere. And Julian last hope is to actually find it.

Maybe a crazy priest took him to a church, this is why the demons couldn't retrieve it. What matters is Julian struggle toward the solution needs to be as hard as you can make it. He may even be a little late. So they take his son before he finds the body. And after he gives them what they want, he will just hope his son will return.

Conclusion:
Stuff as much suspense as you could in this story, and make Julian a well rounded character with his own personality, and you will have a winner.

Good luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006