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Beyond the Mountain by Brad - Short - A small party of Neanderthals escort a mother and child beyond the mountains into forbidden land, seeking out the help of a reclusive mystic healer. 17 pages - pdf, format
EXT. FOREST - DAY
A deer grazes on the foliage of a damp and misty forest. The
sky is overcast and a light fog carpets the forest floor
around him.
Drop the words 'around him'.
Code
GAW, a very large Neanderthal, is stalking the deer,
preparing to make his move. He snaps a small branch and the
deer becomes alert.
GAW, a very large Neanderthal, stalks a deer. A dry twig snaps underfoot. The deer's head rises sharply.
Avoid words like 'starts to', 'begins to', 'suddenly' and 'is'. Also give us an age for GAW, he could be anything from 12 to 40. Also no idea what he's wearing.
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The deer scans the forest and then begins to graze again.
Gaw lunges forward out from the brush.
GAW:
Hah!
The deer bolts.
A seasoned hunter would surely know to shut the feck up before trying to kill a deer.
Code
Gaw chases after the deer, he throws his spear and just
misses. He whistles out, pursuing the prey.
You didn't make any mention of Gaw carrying a spear in his initial description. The final sentence makes no sense, grammatically. How does the spear just miss? There is room here to build images, make the writing more dynamic.
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MOGE, an adolescent Neanderthal, hesitates and then jumps
out from behind a tree.
MOGE:
Hah!
The deer quickly reacts and changes directions.
No real information on MOGE either. Help me see him. Again with the final sentence you could leave out the words 'quickly reacts and'. Personally I'd get more inventive with the descriptions here. This is the first page, you should be setting the scene.
I've got to go. I may check again later. Good luck.
Cool man, thanks for the feedback. I did this one focusing on actions, thats probably a good reason why the characters aren't very developed on the page. I'm sure there's a crapload wrong with this one!
Thanks to everyone who took the time to try and read it, I'd really like to know what's missing so I can avoid similar mistakes on my next.... And of course, progressively get better...... Hopefully......