Snuff by Zaim Oneeb - Short, Thriller - A psychotic man's attempt at a snuff film goes horribly wrong.  7 pages - pdf, format

@Zaim,

Not sure if English is your first language, so I will not speculate on that, all I'lll say is you have quite a few grammical issues, but since I don't recognize you as being a regular member... I'll focus on the story since I read it.

-- First the PSYCHO, give us a brief description, something about the essence of this charcater, as well as SAM.  As is right now -- neither were very visual.

-- Sam's reaction when Psycho kicked in the door just didn't ring true.  Unless you're passed out, or in a deep sleep... most people would know it immediately and react according.  Heck, she was sitting right there in the living room.

Second, usually if a door gets kicked in, more times than not the bad guy won't crawl, yet you had him (Psycho) do just that.  I tried to understand why you went down that road, but in the end... it just made no sense to me.

-- I think you took the easy way out by having her boyfriend, JAKE show up at the last minute.  This SHOTGUN APPROACH was just to convenient.  I think this would play better if it were just the Psycho and Sam... and eventually having Sam turn the tables on him.

-- Dialogue needs work.  Although I have to admit some of it made me chuckle.

Quoted Text PSYCHO (CONT.) I’m gonna carve her up real nice. So stay tuned after this commercial break.

Anyway, the writing needs polishing and the story needs work.  JMHO.

Good Luck

Ghostie

@Ghostie

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Yes, english is my first language. I'll have to have a look over for the gramatical mistakes. As for the story, since this is a first draft i only came up with it and wrote it in about an hour-ish.

As for taking the 'easy' route. The main trouble i have with writing is building to a conclusion. I know that sounds daft, but i cant seem to write a decent ending! I wanted this is be short in length, and in one location so it would be easier to film as i do plan on making it sometime this year.

-Zaim

Glad I could give some of your work a read my friend. Just some notes as I went through some of it.
Being a huge fan of snuff, torture, porn and gore, I decided to give this a read.

Drop the period behind SNUFF on your title page. Not needed.

My advice is to come into that first scene building it up just a bit. Have him slowly, quietly come over the fence. Crouch him down behind a bush. Have him whispering, then maybe duck as a car passes by. In other words create the scene as a stalker would.

Don’t have him hurry anywhere in that back yard. He needs to be a slow sneaky basterd.

Also, if you show a video scene, it is good to set it up as-
INSERT VIDEO IMAGE- Show SAM making some food in the kitchen.
BACK TO SCENE:

And when you do that, make sure to have him/her point the camera back to themselves to say, I’m gonna carver her up...

Sam hears a loud noise?

You need for the noise to be apparent to the reader and her reaction should be an action.

In the distance, a loud noise. Sam jolts from the sound.
Also pay attention to your movements throughout the house. As you move from room to room, you need to identify it with a new slug.

Sam gets up and goes to the kitchen.

That’s when you need a new slug showing Sam in a new location.

Then when Sam runs to the front door, another slug.

You gotta watch out for the ‘on the nose” stuff as well.
            PSYCHO
I hope you don’t mind but i was
watching as you slept. It was
pretty peaceful.

First, you lower cased the “I”.

But more importantly, work a little bit on how he is addressing Sam.
          PSYCHO
I watched you sleeping today. It was
pretty peaceful.

Get it to the point. Make it creepy.

Also, stop Capping the main characters. You only do it when you intro them.

That’s a start. If you’re around, I’ll be happy to jump back in and discuss your work some more.

Take care

Shawn..><

The logline was interesting.

If Psycho is his name then you may as well use it, ideally when he's talking to the camera so then the audience will know his name, or his 'snuff' name anyway.

The script format needs work. Check out some scripts or script format guides, there are plenty on the web. The grammar has already been commented on.

The story didn't grab me. It's a young guy's twisted fantasy and that's fine I just like more surprises and originality in my stories but that's just my personal taste.

Keep on trying, that's the important thing.

Mark

I agree with all that's been said here. I just wanted to add that there's a lot that just seems a bit too convenient. Jake the boyfriend shows up. Sam gets her hands free. Sam gets a peice of glass. Sam stabs Psycho. By the way, why does Jake simply assume that she's in trouble? We have no idea how long they've known each other. How does he know that she's not into some kind of kink. They don't live together. He's come over to apologise for something. I was fully expecting him to walk away in feat that he might be interrupting something.