Rojo Grande by John Robbins (oJOHNNYoNUTSo) - Short, Grindhouse - A killing machine codenamed Rojo Grande is enlisted for one last mission… - pdf, format

A humble thanks for posting Don!

Tried to get this in before the deadline, but no internet to be found.

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a man, living in a world of increasing technological technology.  Computers.  Aliens.  Gas masks handouts to promote cleaner sex.  Tired of it all and dishonorably discharged, he joins a Peruvian militia only to have the tables turned on him.

Betrayed.  Left for dead.  He wakes up in a Costa Rican hospital, missing his soul...

...and his eye.

Enjoy!

Where Rojo Grande's history is read from a file I found a little stale, almost cliche. So far, I like what I'm reading... but that bit is off-putting. I've seen it so many times before I'm actually not even interested in his past right now, he's obviously a bad mofo. Not sure that backstory is needed, especially not when fed to us the way it is here. To be honest, I skipped past it.

I don't feel the scene where he is demonstrating his ability to still shoot old school weapons is needed. IMO, it's too much. We already have oodles of testosterone flying around... this bit reminds me of something from the 80's.

Code ROJO GRANDE No rank. I do what I want, when I want. I play for keeps.

Oh man... why? A very 80's line. Why would he say that? This guy is starting to make me feel sick. Too much cheese will do that.

Code It's funnel spins endlessly into a candy cane vortex.

Is this a cartoon? I'm thinking that with how over-the-top everything is and now a candy-cane vortex that you're picturing a cartoon when you wrote this. I could see this being a graphic novel quite easily.

Code ROJO GRANDE She's already had the pleasure... multiple times.

Oh... man. I'm surprised none of the other characters are cringing at this point.

Code SASHA It wasn't as grande as I thought. ROJO GRANDE It's not the size that matters, it's how ya cock it.

At least you've noticed and have made a joke out of it here... however it's out of tone with the rest of the script so far.

OK. This script is at 16 pages and they're only just going back in time at page 10. So we've had 10 pages of build up. IMO, this should be happening way sooner. Either that, or cut 6 pages from the start.

Code They tuck into formation and raise their peacemakers.

Why not just describe exactly how they are standing rather leaving it so ambiguous. Are they back to back, side to side? There are only two of them. Tucking into formation implies a larger group.

Code It arches its back in pain

Why did the Koreans program an android to feel pain?

Code He catches one of its blades mid-swoop, RIPS it to bare wire.

How does he catch it?

I almost stopped reading the moment you got lazy and decided not to show the 'epic sword fight'... then again at the 'dun dun dun' moment, you actually wrote in the script.

Code Mucho GUNFIRE.

Sigh.

Obviously this script doesn't take itself too seriously, which is a bloody good job. It also goes on for way too long. I think the concept is a good one, but, for me, the execution falls completely flat.

Well, I really liked this one. It's a shame you weren't able to get it in before the deadline, else I'm pretty sure this would place in the top three at least.

It felt like something Rodriguez would do. Reminded me a lot of Machete and Planet Terror. Good job if that is what you were going for.

I enjoyed the descriptions too. Usually I get bored with them but yours are really humorous and diverse.

Overall, really great script!

good script though i agree why did it take so long for him to go back in time. why not start a little sooner?

good luck in the future

-Ugo

Hey Johnny,

A mixed bag for me, this one.

Your writing style is too showy for me. Way too many extraneous details and over the top asides. Excruciatingly cheesy as well but I guess that’s the point. I try not to harp on stuff like this too much because I know some people like this style but it’s a drag to read for me. I felt bogged down with details.

Not a fan of the dialogue either. I feel like it’s trying too hard to be cool and a lot of it is just weird, like it’s supposed to be super retro or something. Some of it worked, I suppose, and there were maybe two or three zingers that got me but it got tiresome. At some point, someone’s gotta just say something straight up without some uber-macho metaphor attached to it.

That said, I think if you scaled back on some of it, it would fit the story just fine. I mean, it still wouldn’t be my cup of tea per se but it would be in keeping with the spirit of these old action flicks. At this point, it’s just too much.

I’d also change the genre if you resubmit. This is NOT grindhouse style. Kinda the opposite, actually. Big dumb action flicks were more Hollywood than anything.

Nevertheless, I thought the characters were distinct and memorable and you get a sense of all of them pretty quick, which is good. I also thought the action was well written and interesting. The androids were cool and the combat was varied and inventive, which I appreciated.

The story was more or less well crafted -- with the exception of the scene at the ATM, which was random and awkward -- but towards the end, you sort of drop the ball. I mean, the twist is cool on paper but the execution is rushed and kinda brings up more questions than it answers. Rojo Grande also totally breaks character. He drops the cool act in a second and starts acting panicky and emotional. I’m assuming this is supposed to be a bluff but even then, it seems out of character for this guy and anyone who knew him (like his “father” presumably does) would be able to call it.

The bit with Gates was funny though.

I did appreciate the Costa Rica setting though. I am one half Costa Rican so it was cool to see references to Imperial, feral cats, and the like. I have known someone to keep the company of feral cats before. Nice touch, for sure.

Overall, I think it works for what it is but this definitely isn't my thing. I also think the ending is definitely strained and awkward and sort of throws off an otherwise smooth flow. That's regardless of my personal taste, naturally.

Not a bad effort. But not for me.

Hey all,

Thanks for taking the time to check this out.  Anytime I write for OWC, I just let loose and have fun with the write.  I thought this one up after watching the second Rambo film, and wanted to mix a Grindhouse vibe with an 80's action cheesefest.  I thought in some areas I did capture some of it, but I'll agree with James and say that it could've been better.

As for the writing itself, I wanted to take a more experimental approach to see how far I can push the edge without making it feel like a pisser or pissing readers off.

Again thanks for taking time as always and I'm glad that there were some laughs in it.  If I can return any reads please let me know.

Later,

Johnny

Johnny,

Hey bro. Gotta say I liked every minute of this cheesy, aside filled throwback. It's too bad you missed the deadline as I probably would've voted for this.

The only problem I had with it is the build up is so long (but entertaining), and the end reveal is so short it feels a little like its thrown in. However, your build up is cool. Your writing is crisp and Rojo's a pretty slick dude. Your descriptions were vivid and visual. I could almost see the holographic strippers ass shimmering when Rojo's slapped it. Very good writing here.

I'd like to see this Rojo guy again sometime, as I definitely feel this could be the start of something much bigger.

Steve

What's crackalackin Steven!

I'm thrilled you enjoyed it, and yeah no argument on my end about the long build up.  I guess if I brought the goods effectively at the end, everything might have been worth it.

Thanks for chiming in and I'm stoked that you took it for what it was bro.  Maybe I'll do a Rojo Grande holiday special or something lol!