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That Which Cuts Deep by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Thriller - A man plays both sides of the law in a bid to find kidnapped girls, but his actions place his own family in immediate danger. 107 pages - pdf, format
Hi Leegion. I like the look of this one mate... but I don't feel that you go through your scripts on another draft before handing them over. There is a typo on the first page and awkward sentences... like this:
The gun goes off. A bullet rips through David’s shoulder,
sends him on a tailspin to the ground.
sends him on a tailspin? Why not... A bullet rips through David's shoulder, tailspinning him to the floor.
The way you've written it, disrupts flow and really takes me out of the read.
I like the sound of this one... however I feel cheated that you aren't putting in your best efforts. These scripts are nowhere near finished. Polish them to a standard where there are no typo's. Especially in the first 10. Also make sure every single sentence flows properly.
I may still read this one... as it does interest me and you write well. I just want to see your best. If you really put the effort into one script, I bet it would be amazing.
Early on Tony says that Chris is like a son to him but who is Chris??? Is this supposed to be Jensen from the sound of it and you forgot to change the name in dialogue? Does Jensen go by two different names?
Now Sean at the docks is talking to a Chris. Who is Chris?
Ten pages in and I'm lost. The beginning with the funeral and chase scene is exciting. The idea that Jensen killed David is a very unexpected hook that got my attention right away. But after page two I'm not sure whats going on. There is a lot of pitter patter chatter between a bunch of characters that doesn't seem to move the story. You set the bar high early with and the script quickly deflates after. There is a lot going on and I would venture to say its a bit overwritten. Lots of small unimportant details take me out of the script. For example you spend about 3 pages of your first 10 pages detailing Becky's ordeal with her car. Is that really what you want to do while trying to hook the reader?
The set up in the first 10 is great but after that you wander. My two cents.
"Chris" is Jensen. He uses it as an alias, since he's an undercover CIA Agent, he can't very well use his own name, or it'll trace back to his family. Jensen also goes by the name "Adam" in a later scene. He has 3 names, 1 that the reader knows (character), one that the mob knows (Chris) and one Amy (his handler) calls him (Adam).
Becky's ordeal with the car sets up the meeting with Jensen. He can't contact her directly, so he uses indirect means to grab her attention. Impounded Car = Jensen can meet her without raising too many questions or suspicion.
So, yeah. If you understand that, you'll get why I wrote it that way.
Just wanted to provide my input on the whole Chris is Jenson, Chris is Adam, Chris is whoever. I think you should keep Chris as Chris throughout to prevent confusion such as this. Other characters may refer to him as another name but he just nods, or whatnot, then we get the point. No need to rename a character that is not really a different character, if you know what I mean.
That said, I ain't even read it so maybe you did a great job with it. Haha. Will have to check this out.
* Although, Superman and Clark Kent springs to mind so... who knows?
I downloaded the file from the top of the page. Interesting opening, killed by the next five or so pages. Might just be me, I want a constant thrill when I read something. If not, down it goes.
I'll restart from the dropbox version.
*May have sounded abrupt, I just meant I will read it with care. Not meant egotistically.
Pg1: I'd change the scene heading when the guy crashes inside the room to the APARTMENT - ROOM As of now, it's still the same as the original heading minus the word BLOCK. Basically, bad rushed description.
How about making this more dramatic. How do we see this happening?
What do you do to open a window. You use something. What happens if this equipment fails to work? You are in the shiz. This happens here. Why David cannot open it as of now, I have no idea. You are not giving me a visual. You are telling me. This should be a tension moment, right? Let's see it.
Before anyone says it, No, I'm not sayin' every fucking time you mention a window escape you need to describe the frickin' decor. But this is a tension filled moment. It could, probably should, be intense instead of a rushed job. This scene is a rushed job.
Despite that, the scene works. It's a one page scene that does the job. I don't like it, but I like that it works.
No,no, Lee!!! No mate, please, Don't give up. My message has been misunderstood, I'm sorry. In no way am I saying you are shit.
I'm not saying that at all.
I am just being honest as I read. I am sorry, I could have put my points across more delicately but we're only on page one and you can handle a little negativity. Come on dude. Sort it out, mate.
You're gonna have to if you want to succeed in this game. Scriptwriting or novel writing. You're gonna feel destroyed at several points. Name of the game, I'm afraid.
I've read ONE PAGE. I'm offering advise to make it better. It's probably brilliant as it is. You don't have to take my advise, man! It's just my thoughts. But I'm not gonna lie and tell you a load of shit. I think the first page works. It could be better.
I have no evil intentions to destroy other writers! I want you to do well, man. Just man up and learn. You have potential to be a great writer, don't rush it.