Take Me With You by Chris Joslin - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A New York City DJ struggles with intimacy, death, and depression in the weeks leading up a world changing event. 29 pages - pdf, format

Chris,

A few notes as I go:

• Keep your title font at 12 pt.
  
• FADE IN: should be left justified at the beginning.
  
• There's no need to tell us useless information in your first slugline (BURROUGH UNSPECIFIED) Just tell us where we are.  Don't tell us where we're not.
  
• Try to avoid using the present progressive tense (<---Thanks Phil)
  
• The back and forth banter between the DJs almost works for me, but it's a little too cheesy.
  
• Unless you're directing this, leave the camera directions out.  Just tell the story and let the reader imagine where the camera is.
  
• There's no need to tell me where the title fades in and out.  Let the director figure out where he wants to put the title.
  
• Use "SUPERIMPOSE:" or "SUPER:" When displaying text on screen.
  
• Don't use "we see" or "we hear" unless it's absolutely necessary, which is rare.
  
• Your action lines are overwritten and fragmented.  You can combine the first paragraph in Jake's apartment to something like this:
  "Lucas, 28, sits on a dirty couch playing video games with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.  The light from the TV pushes through the dark, smokey room, illuminating a look of aggravation on his face."
  
• Only capitalize the entire name of a character when they're first introduced.
  
• What does "DJ gear" look like?  Modern DJ gear, otherwise known as a laptop, looks like any other laptop.  Even the appearance of headphones doesn't indicate a DJ anymore.  I'd put a sticker on a worn laptop that says, "God is a DJ" or "My cat wants to be a DJ".
  

That's all for now.  

If you're active on the boards I'll continue.

Jordan

Nomad,

Thanks so much for the feedback. Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I am directing this. I start production this summer. Put it up on here to get other people's input regarding dialogue and characters.

Thanks again,
C